The Animal Club Sketch Comedy Collective

My Favorite Thing...

2008-10-12T20:58:00.003-05:00

...about this blog is the number of times I was able to promise we'd hit 1000 posts.

2005
2006
2007
2008

makes me not want to actually hit 1000 posts afterall...

Epic Fail

2008-08-28T22:08:00.002-05:00

Dave Freeman, the author of "100 Things To Do Before You Die", a travel book listing places to see in your lifetime, died today.

"Freeman's relatives said he visited about half the places on his list before he died"

Visa...It's Everywhere...

2008-08-12T21:30:00.003-05:00

Um.....

Michael Phelps just broke the record for most career Olympic gold medals five minutes ago.

Um.....

Visa just aired a commercial congratulating Michael Phelps for breaking the record for most career Olympic gold medals three minutes ago.

Morgan Freeman provided the voice over.

Yes, the 21st century has arrived.

It is possible that the 21st century arrived previously. But, this is the first Visa commercial that proved it for me.

Animal Club Nostalgia: Chinatown

2008-08-09T22:44:00.003-05:00

I was just reminded, somehow, of a truly great moment in Animal Club history. We were in San Francisco for their sketchfest, maybe in 2005 or something like that. During an off-day, we made like tourists and did all the things tourists do in San Francisco; Cable cars, Alcatraz, Rice-A-Roni jokes, Eddie Izzard quotes, Fisherman's Wharf and finally, glorious Chinatown. While perusing wares in an exceptionally shady shop, Shane and I took a moment to take in the music. Decidedly Pan-Asian in nature, the verse was an incomprehensible smatter of foreign language in a standard 1-4-5 pop arrangement. The chorus, however, was entirely in English. And these, verbatim, are the lyrics:

"Don't mess around with me
I'm on a winning spree
Don't mess around with me
I'm on a winning spree"

Then, much as you from this post to your regular life, the singer returned to what I presume to be her native tongue.

This is the manner of thing I cling to when comparing my life to those of the engineers, doctors, lawyers and computer programmers I went to high school with.

An Short Interview With The Kool Aid Man

2008-07-30T16:14:00.004-05:00

An Introduction.
Kool-Aid Man is the mascot for Kool-Aid, a popular drink. The character has appeared on television and print advertising as a fun-loving and jolly beverage provider, appearing to children everywhere sharing his Kool-Aid beverage, and yelling "Oh yeah!". He is a gigantic anthropomorphic pitcher, filled with Tropical Punch Kool-Aid and marked with a fingerpainted smiley face. In 2005, the Kool-Aid Man celebrated his 30th birthday.

Me: Let me just start off by saying that I love your work, Mr. Kool Aid Man.

Kool Aid Man: Please, please. Just Kool Aid.

Me: Oh. Sure. Kool Aid. I love your work, Kool Aid.

Kool Aid Man: Thank you.

Me: What would you be if you weren’t a pitcher of Kool Aid, Kool Aid?

Kool Aid Man: I don't know. Milk.

Me: Yeah?

Kool Aid Man: Oh yeah.

Me: Thank you.

A Postscipt.

In 2000, a new series of commercials were created for Kool-Aid Fierce and the actor chosen to play Kool-Aid Man was Jon Carr. Kool-Aid Man's punchline was when he jumped through the wall while everyone was saying "Oh no!!". Then he comes in and says "OH YEEEEEEAH!".

A year on...

2008-07-23T06:04:00.002-05:00

I just decided I'm sick of this blog not hitting the 1000 post mark. I'm going to email Shane and get the gang back together for 40 more blogposts. Then, and only then, will I be able to re-close the book on this chapter of my online life.

2007-04-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you know that the stories of our absence have been slightly exaggerated, but one thing we can say is true. The Animal Club, as we've known it for seven years, is wrapping it up. It's an amicable seperation. And in many ways, we're still going to be working on many projects together. I like to think of it as spreading and not seperating. And I also like to misspell seperation/seperating (separation/separating). We've got some new territory we want to explore. So, shed a tear if you must, but don't be sad for too long. We move on with fond memories and have no idea what's to come next, but it all seems pretty exciting.

We're keeping the website up to let everyone know what we're up to. It may just morph into something completely different, too. But, keep checking it. Also, we're going to have a crazy last show this summer (tba) in our birthplace, that ol' city o' steel, and were hoping to bring back all former Animal Club members and turn it into a big reunion. We'll obviously let you know about all that as it unfolds.

Biggest complete news we have in regard to this is that we're going to keep this blog going. Because, well, because we're too close to 1000 posts not to. So, please, keep coming back here.

And without further adue, orangutan boxing:

This One Time... At Space Camp...

2007-02-06T11:29:00.000-06:00

I'm sure every blog in the world has better one-liners for this than I do; that's fine. I'm not really in a one liner mood anyway. I'm more in a Daily Show like mood, where you just show the thing you want to make fun of and let it make fun of itself. Without further ado:

Astronaut Plans To Attempt To Murder Other Astronaut For Loving Another Astronaut

But I'd really like to hear what Kathy Scientist has to say about this.

Temperatures?

2007-02-05T10:52:00.000-06:00

So, is it below zero where you blog?

I Mean It's Almost A Month Later, And I'm Still Amazed!

2007-02-02T18:06:00.000-06:00

Holy F'ing God Damned Future Phone!

2007-01-09T22:19:00.000-06:00

Gerald Ford : 19?? - 2006

2006-12-27T15:28:00.000-06:00

Gerald Ford passed away yesterday. To commemorate the occasion, President Bush has ordered a National Day of Shrugging And Vague Recolection Of The Dana Carvey Sketch Where He Was Tom Brokaw Pre-Taping Death Notices For Gerald Ford.

Yes, I've been waiting a month for something worth blogging. Death of a former President? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Five Way

2006-11-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

Bonus points for me because that's a single-and-a-half-entendre. How so?

• This is my fifth blog post today
• This is about a gratuitous quintuple kidney transplant

Johns Hopkins scheduled a five-way kidney transplant - 5 patients, 5 donors. If this was some kind of bizarre coincidence, I'd have been okay with it. It's not every day a transplant surgeon gets to be all, "Damn, we're really getting slammed today". But they did this as, and I quote, "a demonstration to the rest of the world that this is possible if everyone wants to work together."

Bullshit.

That's the same phony psuedo-humility athletes use when they win a title, or mid-managers use to buff up employee moral. This was a transplant unit whipping it's dick out, showing it to the rest of the transplant units across the country, and screaming, "Call me John Holmes, bitches", then coming all over their faces. As if the transplant team at St. Francis in Evanston didn't have an inferiority complex already.

Also, how did they convince the patients who needed the transplants to survive that it would be better if they got their life saving treatment at the same time as four other people? "Well, we got you a kidney, but if you can hold out for like two more days, we're gonna blow some fucking minds!"

I wonder if a rep from Guinness was there. I wonder if they have a record for simultaneous transplant surgeries. And if so, I wonder why. Can't imagine that started many bar fights.

Well, I'm off to protest Johns Hopkins for being transplant-unit bullies. If you want to join me, I'll be simultaneously smoking six packs of cigarettes, guzzling grain alcohol, not exercising, swallowing diet pills by the dozen, and sticking my hand into an industrial wood chipper in hopes of needing the world's first quintuple organ transplant (lungs, liver, heart, kidneys and hand). Not for personal glorification, mind you, but rather to show the world that it's possible if I decide to work with myself.

Four is a Round Number

2006-11-20T18:30:00.001-06:00

Whereas three is not. Roundness, friends. That's the goal of every sketch comedy blog. Objective met.

I sure wish Shane would start writing again. Sigh.

The Way I See It

2006-11-20T18:30:00.000-06:00

I’m not as interesting as the art I consume. Are you?

Bullet Points

2006-11-20T18:18:00.000-06:00

• This is the 950th post in ACSCC blog history.
• This marks the first (1st) time in ACSCC blog history that all writers besides Baz have been bumped from the front page due to sheer volume
• Rumor has it Shane just bought a computer
• Rumor has it also that Mike was in some kind of parade on Saturday
• Guitar Hero beaten on easy and medium; hard is giving me fits
• Best free MMORPG ever
• Sketch Comedy. Yeah.

Grammar Much?

2006-11-20T18:15:00.000-06:00

well, at least they got the "carnage" part right.

People. We Can Do Better.

2006-11-15T14:28:00.000-06:00

The internet is only 1% porn.

Pain Of Worth

2006-11-14T13:16:00.000-06:00

Since August, every other post on the AC blog has started with "Sorry we haven't been blogging..." and far be it from me to poke tradition in the eye. That said, sorry we haven't been blogging, but this time, we've got a good, no, GREAT excuse.

Guitar Hero II.

I picked up GH2 and a spare SG controller, and have since logged a solid eight hours of rocking. I hooked the game up to the Animal Club's video projector, so I'm rocking out, with an associate, in front of a 100" screen. Life may get better than this, but I don't care if I find out.

The copious amount of playing had rendered my left hand useless. It still hurts, but today I can hunt-and-peck a lil' bit better.

In summary, go get Guitar Hero II.

That is all.

For Stefan Lawrence

2006-11-10T23:48:00.000-06:00

and maybe some other people, too

French Bread Grossness

2006-11-10T11:44:00.000-06:00

I usually stop at a gas station on my way to work to pick up coffee and a muffin. Near the coffee machine is a freezer that contains various kinds of French Bread Pizza. The side of said freezer has little explosion graphics with descriptive words inside them, supposedly in reference to the pizzas contained therein. Some of the descriptive words:

Delicious!
Cheesy!
Chewy!

um...chewy? Chewy. Would you ever use the word chewy to describe a pizza you were trying to sell someone?

I bought three.

Say Goodnight, Gracie

2006-11-08T12:12:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't noticed, the fate of the GOP controlled Senate is in the hands of Burns & Allen.

openhuman

2006-11-06T19:02:00.000-06:00

move over, myspace. openhuman is here.

openhuman is an open-source voluntary database of people. you create a page about yourself, then write "confessions" and "facts" about yourself. the site also encourages you to post naked pictures of yourself. uh, so there's that.

i highly recommend doing this, though i have no idea why you'd want to. you can't view other people's pages, there's no "random human" button, there's no friend system. it's just a list of shit about yourself that the database owners make freely available to whoever wants it. i say what the hell. go for it. i did (no naked pictures yet. sorry.)

Politics + Comedy = Power?

2006-11-02T14:08:00.000-06:00

Feeling politically active? Have a cell plan with free weekend minutes? If so, come on down to the iO annex Saturday at noon for a phone party. Jeremy Sosenko has obtained a list of registered democrats who we will call and gently remind to vote on Tuesday. Don't worry; it's not as shady as it sounds. This is an officially sanctioned action, though by who I'm not sure. Either way, we'll meet in the third beat room and spread to my office if needed. My office has a dart board, remote control Hummer, and a putting green if you get bored. The good times start killing you* at noon, and won't stop till you get enough** (or 3:00, whichever comes first).

* - ©2004, Modest Mouse, used with Permission
** - ©1978, Michael Jackson, used without Permission

Lying Asshat

2006-10-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

Plugs! Plugs for Friends!

2006-10-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

A bunch of my sketch friends are involved in a really great project headed up by the JibJab people; it's a contest where groups wrote pieces set in a jail and then went out to LA to film them with John Landis of Animal House fame, and is dubbed The Great Sketch Experiment. I'd be remiss if I showed any kind of favoritism here, so I'll just list them in random order:

Tall Cop Short Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tall Cop/Short Cop" by Elephant Larry

So You Want to be a Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"So You Wanna Be A Cop" by Karla featuring members of Brick and Troop!

Tom and Tina | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tom and Tina" by Train of Thought

Faith Restored

2006-10-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

There's a crew of AT&T linemen working out behind iO right now, and they've just reaffirmed my belief in blue-collarism. An overheard conversion, verbatim to wit:

WORKER 1: So they got you doin' stuff again?

WORKER 2: Fuckin' yeah. And fucking' up here fuckin' working wires and fuckin'.

WORKER: 1: Oh yeah?

WORKER 2: Fuck yeah. Fuckin'.

AT&T. Fuckin' reach out and touch someone, you fuck.

Score 1 4 U Tube

2006-10-18T16:03:00.000-05:00

Pavement ruins Goldie Hawn's visit on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, circa 1996:

Great Headline, Great Article

2006-10-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

Semi-famous actress dumps on the 'Burgh. The semi-famous actress in question was Sienna Miller who I contend is more than semi-famous. She's actually famous. Nora Dunn is someone I'd describe as semi-famous actress. Or Skee-Lo, if we were talking about semi-famous rappers.

I know us simple Pittsburghers (former, even) can't compete with the Londons and New Yorks of the world, but we do have the most cole-slaw and french-fry filled sandwiches in the world.

Related: The corpse of Fred Rogers rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in Sienna Miller's general direction. On it were the words: "Don't Tread On Pittsburgh".

Also Related: The corpse of Andy Warhol rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in The Corpse Of Fred Rogers' general direction. On it were the words: "She's right, you know."

Video of Robotic Arm Caressing Chia Head

2006-10-05T00:12:00.000-05:00

No Shit.

via Slashdot

Bad Video-off!

2006-10-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

What's the worse combination of sights and sounds? YOU be the judge!

The Contender: "Shine A Little Love" by Electric Light Orchestra

The Champion: "Separate Ways" by Journey

Ho Hum

2006-10-02T11:47:00.000-05:00

This "write post window" has been open for four hours. Seems I can't really come up with much to say. Hmmm. I guess I could tell you what Animal Club has been up to. Let's do that.

Animal Club went on a hiatus after the New York Sketchfest in June. We've been going at it for six years now, and some time off was desperately needed. We've been writing new stuff during that time, so it's not like we stopped working, we just stopped reaping the benefits of working. We've got a nice batch of new material that we'll be trying out when we wake up. We're taking out time with it because we think we have to at this point; after three years of touring and writing and performing and producing, we've kind of hit a point where we need to make a real impact with our next show. So that's that. In the meantime, we've been "hired" as "writers" for a project we're not really allowed to talk about. It's a nice affirmation, but we don't know what benefits it'll pay beyond that. As soon as we're allowed to talk about it, you'll know. Ruth is moving on to different pastures, having spent the past six months touring with McDonald's, and she's gotten more offers while on tour. Obviously we wish her the best.

Personally, I've taken up residence at iO as the director of media development and booking shows and shit like that. It keeps me very busy, but now I'm officially employed full time in showbiz, so there's that.

Tom keeps on trucking, Mike keeps on fucking, and Shane lives by himself. All in all, it's a good time to an AC member. But it's not a good time to be a blogger. Wonder why that is?

Anyway, I hope all of you are caught up now, and we'll let you know when we decide to start performing again.

Peaces!

OMFG!

2006-09-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

Worst website name ever?

2006-09-25T15:33:00.000-05:00

Cigarettespedia.

In case you were wondering AND too lazy to click on the link, yes, it is a Wikipedia of Cigarettes. Press "Random Page" a bunch of times. It's fun?

Reluctant Genius

2006-09-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

I got the reluctant thing down. Now what?

Ranking Doctor Shows

2006-09-20T16:25:00.000-05:00

Most of the shows on television are about doctors. Here's a guide to help you tell the difference, in order from best to worst.

#1: House, MD.
Kind of Doctors: Mean, Brilliant, Crippled, Black, Hot, Australian
Cross between: Sherlock Holmes, Malice
Sample Scene:

PATIENT: It hurts when I...

HOUSE: Shut up. Start the patient on 90 milligrams Papscenitine Pharmicate, If she gets better-

PATIENT: I'm a man...

HOUSE: Shut. Up!! If HE gets better, I'm right. If he dies, you're right.

CAMERON: We can't just treat before we diagnose.

HOUSE: Why not?

CAMERON: Because I'm hot.

FOREMAN: And I'm black.

CHASE: And I'm Australian.

HOUSE: Sorry, I'm a cripple. Cripple beats everything, especially a hot black Australian chick. Because cripples are real. Was that over the top?

#2: Scrubs
Kind of Doctors: Funny, Shallow, Light, Black, Young, Fake
Cross Between: ER, Malcom in the Middle, The Naked Gun
Sample Scene:

JD: (voice over) I spent all night studying so I could impress Doctor Cox, and I figured even he would have to notice.

JD: Hey Dr. Cox, I-

COX: Newbie, whatsay we shimsham on the jibjab, raise a glass to our elders and toast to your ever impressive ability to not impress me no matter how, and this is the important part, hard you try because we both know it won't get you anywhere but still you need to do it, why you're like the little engine that could in the sequel, the little engine that figured it out and donated himself to a railway museum simply to avoid being filled by hobos eating pork n' beans straight outta the can for the rest of his days.

TURK: Don't listen to him, JD. I'm black.

ELLIOT: And I'm hot.

JANITOR: And I'm not a doctor.

#3: Grey's Anatomy
Kind of Doctors: Hot, Horny, Asian, Black,
Cross Between: Lifetime Original Movie, Scrubs, Sex in the City
Sample Scene:

MEREDITH: Why won't you love me?

McDREAMY: I don't? Are we back on I don't? Because I thought I did.

MEREDITH: No, last week you did, this week you don't.

McDREAMY: I need a flow chart.

BAILEY: Shouldn't you be on rounds? MOVE!

GEORGE: You know who loves you week in and week out, Meredith? Me. Aren't I cute?

IZZY: And aren't I hot?

CHRISTINA: And aren't I asian?

WEBBER, BURKE and BAILEY: And aren't we black?

(something that sounds like Sarah McLaughlan plays)

Believe it or not, there are more doctor shows on TV, but I don't like any of those, and am sick of writing this entry. If you're watching a show that doesn't look like this, it's probably Nip/Tuck, or something on the Discovery Channel. Or ER. Or the venom show on Animal Planet. But that's most of them. I think.

Happy...

2006-09-19T12:20:00.000-05:00

...Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Yeah. Whatever.

great spam!

2006-09-19T01:10:00.000-05:00

Like all things in life, great spam needs to be recognized. I just received a bee-yootie:

From: Acapulco
Subject: It will explode.

I didn't open it because I figured it would all be down hill from there.

Tomb Of The Unknown Drummer

2006-09-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

I saw an infomercial for the latest Time Life "Ultimate Whatever Decade" collection the other night. This one casts a long-overdue spotlight on the pop rock hits of the 70's. Naturally, the collection itself is weak, and they played the same fifteen clips for the duration of the half hour infomercial, but something struck me.

Of those fifteen clips, nine of them had drummers pulling double duty as lead singers. Don Henley-style beards, Don Henley-style 8-beats with Don Henley-style singing over their left shoulder. And none of them were Don Henley. Makes me wonder if that was an actual trend in 70's pop- having a drummer/singer. And if so, why would we let that die? It's pretty great when a drum kit isn't buried upstage, but put down center, letting that drummer absorb the praise owed to his brethren for generations. Imagine if the trend held, and we'd have Phil Selway belting front and center falsettos during "We Suck Young Blood", or Will Champion not still playing, but now singing "The Scientist." I tell you, that would be magic.

Morning

2006-09-14T12:23:00.000-05:00

Have you ever mistaken an empty champagne bottle for a kitty cat? I just did. Sign o' the times, huh?

They say...

2006-09-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

...a man can not have too many blogs.

I tend to agree.

Today I'm announcing my fifth or sixth or seventh blog, depending on how you keep track. It's a luscious, sketch comedy star-laden journey into the strange world of sports we like to call:

Sports On Computer! Dot Com!

The staff is pretty much a who's who of sketch comedians who like sports, and is populated as follows:

• Me and Shane Portman (Chicago's reclusive Animal Club)
• Geoff Haggerty (NYC's incomparable Elephant Larry, currently playing at the PIT)
• Jason Durge (LA's mega-stars-in-the-making Troop!, currently playing at UCB LA)
• Cory Neely (Seattle's litterally groundbreaking Flaming Box of Stuff, who have sadly broken up)
• Dusty Warren (Also of FBoS, currently touring his one-man show All-American Push-Up Party)
• Will Nunziata (NYC's brilliant, hyper-political The Royal We)

There's a whole other section of the site that'll eventually go up- with formal articles written by some Chicago comedians you might actually recognize. So. Are you one of the seven comedians in Chicago who like sports? Are you one of the four of those seven who know how to use a computer? Then Sports On Computer is the website for you.

End Plug.

smire

2006-09-11T15:03:00.000-05:00

Zzzzzz

2006-09-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

zzzzzzz.....

zzzzzzz....

....ugh...football practice!

*hits snooze bar*

From My Desk

2006-08-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

It has been hard lately to get to a computer. Makes me realize what it must have been like for the pioneers, treading those long, unkempt paths. In the near-future I plan to own one of these gadgets (computers, not pioneers). Until then, I have realized that I am all right. I find that, while at times I crave a tap at the ol' keys, by and by I still feel complete if I don't. I'd like to have a computer, sure. But, I still sleep well at night without one. Some people would call this non-committal. I like to call it adaptable. It's a philosophy I've cultivated through a lifetime cocktail of major and minor crises. Growing up on the streets, falling into a life of crime with the Hungarian mafia, my entire family murdered, yada, yada.* Roll with the punches I suppose. Make the most of it all. Whatever "it all" may be. Currently "it all" is a lack of internet. So, for now, my contributions may seem lacking. But I will be back in full force when the time comes. In fact, our group in general has fallen along the internet wayside and somewhat on the wayside wayside, too. But, I can assure you that while we may seem to be asleep, we are merely silently plotting. And The Animal Club will be up and kicking like a drunken donkey club real soon!

*This lifetime cocktail not necessarily my own.
Mostly it's the life cocktail of fictitious crime lord, Keyser Soze.

Ding!

2006-08-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say thanks to the lady on Southwest who gave the funniest, most gleeful Safety Lecture I've ever witnessed. Some highlights:

"If this flight turns into a cruise, you might need this inflatable vest..."

"Pull the oxygen mask over your mouth. deposit 25¢ for the first three minutes..."

"We hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride..."

It started off cute and almost annoying, but I'm being completely honest when I say she had solid comedic timing, and some pretty good (read: better than Sinbad) jokes in there. I was this close to telling her that I work for iO and she might have a future. But she's my competition, and the longer she goes unnoticed, the better for me.

you say tomato...

2006-08-28T08:45:00.001-05:00

...I say Republican traitor. I joke! I kid! You might remember me mentioning my childhood best friend turned GOP shill Tom "chugger" Baker, who has run for elected office as an elephant. He just joined the blogosphere, so let's welcome him with a proper inundation of liberal nonsense!

baby i gotcha money

2006-08-28T08:45:00.000-05:00

Hells yeah, I'm on vacation. Sorry, yinzers, I made this visit to pgh x-trqa incognito, cause this cat's got development deals and brain matter leakin' out my fuckin' ears. Blammo!

Rolled into the 412 on thursday night, rocked some sweet nothings on the family boat thru saturday, then made nice with the roller coasters out kennywood way. Did I say blammo!

How about right now, right this second? I'm sitting in a dentist's waiting room, yo! Whiter, healthier teeth are just a blammo away- let's make that shit happen!

Later today, I'm taking this show to another doctor's office, followed by lunch (blammo), record store (blammo) and the airport (double blammo). That's what comedy star vacations are made of. And my vacations are just like my daily life- best summed up with a "blammo".

This post is done in a style meant to pay tribute to the chorus' short-lived character, Flash. I am really on vacation, though.

Pluto is the Weakest Link®...Goodbye!

2006-08-24T14:49:00.000-05:00

Pluto Got Voted Off The Island!
Pluto fails to grab six rings in the pool, eliminated from Solar System
Roommates take vote, Pluto turns in keys to the house
Pluto loses reality show

Oldie But Goodie

2006-08-21T12:43:00.000-05:00

Via Thomas Middleditch

Hilton: "I, like, cry when I listen to my CD"

2006-08-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

Us, too, Paris. Us too.

Scientific Study

2006-08-17T15:29:00.000-05:00

How Much Starbucks Coffee Does It Take To Burn Your Skin?

Hypothesis: I'd estimate it takes "Not too much" to burn oneself, and estimate the lower limits of this arbitrary amount to be in the range of 1-2ml.

Method:
1. Purchase a cup of Starbucks Americano
2. Walk with it through Wrigleyville
3. Spill progressive amounts on arm while walking
4. Notate how burning sensation relates to amount spilled.

Findings:
I was surprised by how little it takes to create a burn; my estimate of 1-2ml was in fact, very high. Turns out one molecule of Americano can generate 2nd degree burns on contact, 3rd degree if left unsmothered for longer than 6 nanoseconds.

Recommendations:
Avoid Starbucks Americano at all costs. If you must drink Americano due to dependance or elitism, wear long-sleeved sweatshirts, and protective slickers if possible.

Most Informative Article Ever

2006-08-15T18:14:00.000-05:00

Poop On A Plane.

Hi, by the way.

Moving, Moving, Moving

2006-08-07T15:19:00.000-05:00

Hey. Sorry it's taken so long for a new post to go up. Baz and I both moved recently. I am without a computer for a bit of time. So, my posts will be going up renegade-style from various computers across this great city. For now, here's a picture of a horse yelling at something:

Awwwwwww

2006-08-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

What Will The Children Think?

2006-08-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

A 30 year old Chinese man became the second successful recipient of a face transplant. received a partial face transplant after half of his face was ripped off when he tried to chase a black bear away from his cows with a stick.

Wonderful news, for sure. But, what worries me is that this story will go down in history as a testament to the wonders of medicine and not as a warning to not chase bears with sticks.

Grrrr

2006-08-01T17:08:00.000-05:00

I just moved my car. The air conditioner blew 140˚ air into my face.

It's official.

I hate summer.

A Thought About James Lipton

2006-07-31T16:02:00.000-05:00

I just watched a rerun of Inside The Actors Studio with Dave Chappelle as the guest and I'm not sure if James Lipton is capable of natural laughter. Part of me wants to believe that he can, but part of me really thinks all he does is press play on a tape recorder, open his mouth, and jiggle.

What a bust...

2006-07-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

Damnit. When someone says Tornado Warming, they better mean there's a tornado outside. I got all fired up to be a part of history- a tornado bearing down on wrigley field during the cubs-cards series. How awesome would that have been? And by awesome, I mean catastrophic.

But yeah, it didn't even rain. The sky looked nice and green and menacing, then nothing. Not even a rumble of thunder. Boo!

TORNADO WARNING!

2006-07-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

YES! Tornado Spotted South of Chicago! Strong storms converging over the city! Danger! Excitement! Woot!

Floyd Landis Wins! American Floyd Landis Wins The Tour De France!

2006-07-24T16:47:00.000-05:00

And, honestly, you have to ask who cares?

In other news, Lance Armstrong walked to a 7 Eleven today and bought a cherry Slurpee, a pack of Ice Breakers gum, and a copy of the latest edition of People magazine. Rumor has it he drank the Slurpee while reading the magazine and when finished with the Slurpee he opened the pack of gum and had just one stick. He hadn't finished reading the People magazine at the time of this print.

Got Me Some Spam

2006-07-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

I got some spam in my inbox today, not unlike any other day or any other person for that matter. But, there was one that caught my eye:
Get A Super Mutant Dick
I almost deleted it, but stopped short. What kind of super mutant dick? It was all so non-specific and even in the body of the email I could find no answers. Some mutant powers would be great for your dick. I, for one, would love my dick to have esp and perhaps even some telekinetic powers. The power of flight would also be great for my dick. I, however, would be uncomfortable if my dick had shapeshifting powers. It'd be amusing for a bit probably, but the third or fourth time my dick turned into a rabid squirrel, I think I'd be annoyed. And what about if your dick could just disappear altogether? I wouldn't want an invisible dick.
So, I'm going to delete the email and wait for a more specific super mutant dick offer.

The Things I Don't Know

2006-07-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

Could fill wikipedia. Par example...Christopher Guest is a proper Lord Baron, specifically, the 5th Baron Haden-Guest of Sailing in the County of Essex.

While he wasn't making one of my favorite movies of all time, he was attending meetings in the House of Lords.

A piece of legislation in 1999 made his title officially powerless, barring hereditary Lords from their seats, and since his children are all adopted, the Baronship will pass to his brother when he dies. But still, a real-life Baron? How cool is that? How cool is he? How cool am I? How cool are we?

Summer of 1000 Blog Posts Update

2006-07-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

Getting closer!

we're holding at 902 (903 including this one), and as Shane and I (by all accounts, the only people who ever post on this blog) are moving soon, we think it'll be a fun challenge to hit the grand by the time we move into our new places, that being August 4th. My math isn't all that great, and neither is my patience, so let's just say we have to average seven posts per day to get there.

The big question is can we keep the rigid pace up without losing any of the high quality, inspirational writing that drives so many of you to our comments section. I think I can safely say the answer is a resounding...most likely.

Onward and sideways!

G8 Summit

2006-07-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

President Bush met with other world leaders in Saint Petersburg, Russia for the annual G-8 conference not too long ago. Big topic: Israel, Lebanon, and Hezbollah. At the end of the summit, they had concluded that "the violence was triggered by the capture of two Israeli soldiers by Hezbollah guerillas in a raid from Lebanon and by Hamas' rocket attacks in Gaza and the abduction of a third Israeli soldier." And, while I'm sure it's important for these guys to get together and chat, their conclusion of this week had already been reached a week ago by every major media source and every Dick, Jane, Sue, Ted, Bill, Sarah, Tim, Tina, and Ike. Good work fellas!

Other conclusions the G8 leaders have come to:
Explosions on train in Bombay were due to bombs detonated by someone who was angry.
Cigarettes can be linked to lung cancer.
Siberia gets colder in the winter. Other places (Antarctica, Minnesota) have similar outcomes.
Regarding Hitler-"Could have been nicer."
If you're looking for a half-man/half-mosquito movie, Mansquito is a safe bet.

Tardiculus Rex

2006-07-20T18:28:00.000-05:00

There was a cubs game last night, which meant I had to park about a mile away from io. Fine, no biggie, I do it all the time. (miles walked: 1) I worked my solid, gleeful eight hours, then made the hike back to my automobile (miles walked: 2). When I got there, I realized I forgot my keys, so I walked back to iO (miles walked: 3). My keys were nowhere to be found. I scoured the place. Then I figured I must have dropped them on the walk from my car, so I walked back up to my car (miles walked: 3), didn't find them, so I walked down the other side of the street back to io (miles walked: 4). I spent two more hours looking for my keys before I gave up hope. That left me with a car stuck on a major street during a cubs game with a one in two chance it would be towed before morning. I decided I had to find out for sure, so I walked back up to the car (miles walked: 5), saw it was not in a tow zone until street cleaning a week from yesterday, walked back to io (miles walked: 6), and tried to hail a cab. Then I realized I didn't have any cash, so it was off to the chase machine, which just so happens to be in the el stop (miles walked: 6.3). That ATM was out of order, so I tried to buy an el pass with a card (no dice), so I had to walk to the nearest chase machine (i can't justify paying five bucks to get my own money out of the bank), which was, you guessed it, a mile away (miles walked: 7.3). When I got back to iO to grab my things, i figured, to hell with it, i'll just take the el back (miles walked: 7.6), and made it home a sound four hours after I finished work (total miles walked: 7.9).

There's a happy ending, though. I called a couple of locksmiths, who all said it would be about $200 to get a key reverse-engineered, when my mom had the brilliant suggestion of calling Saturn. Saturn, the company that loves to love me, said "That'll be six dollars, please".

There's a sad ending, though. The Saturn dealership is ten miles from iO. Total distance walked in two days: 27.9.

hmm

2006-07-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

Seems that while I was busy worrying about my new job and my big move, world war iii kind of started. Not sure why I'm bringing this up, just a bit worried about my non-chalance. Odd.

Five years ago, I turned my back on a career in foreign service for comedy. I'm tempted at this point to say that was the right decision. If I'd finished my track, I'd be a stooge for W right now, trying to calm tensions in Georgia, and hoping the Chechnians didn't get inspired by Hezbollah, and come after me, the stupid infidel trying to make the best of a bad situation. Who'd have thought poverty and self-doubt would be an attractive alternative?

note- spelling is bad, because this is a Blackberry-authored post. All apologies.

Space Trash

2006-07-15T13:22:00.000-05:00

A Japanese Jeweler, Platinum Guild International, is offering to send vows of love into space if you buy one of their wedding platinum rings. Their vows will be put on a DVD and shot into space in a rocket. Sweet in a way. Bizarre in another. And space pollution in still another. Seriously, what's more likely:
A.) A UFO comes careening through space and catches a glimpse of the rocket. They find the DVD and pop it into their DVD player. Somehow they have a DVD player and understand Japanese. They put their DVD on the shelf with MASH seasons 1-11. God, Klinger was funny!

B.) A UFO comes careening through space when a soyuz rocket loaded with Japanese love vows come crashing through its windshield. The UFO veers out of control and slams into rockets containing Timothy Leary's and Gene Roddenberry's ashes. All aliens inside are killed.

How many aliens have to die before we stop sending random shit into space?

FYI
Wanting to leave lasting messages isn't a new idea. Up until the time of Columbus, you could put messages of love on a schooner sent to float off the edge of the earth and during the western expansion of the US in the late 1700-mid 1800s you could have your vows swallowed by a bison and set free for Native Americans to find.

This is it.

2006-07-14T15:58:00.000-05:00

This is the last blog post I'll ever write from "my day job". Starting Monday, I work in Show Biz.

Thanks to my co-workers at IMV for giving me another perspective on life, and a a paycheck to supplement my dreams when I needed it. In a way, i'll miss Des Plaines, but in another, more accurate way, I won't.

I'd try to write something profound about life going on, about two years gone, about the relationships i've made and what they all added up to, but those would be crocodile words. I don't feel any sense of apprehension, or of remorse, anything, really. Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday and Monday is the beginning of the next phase of my life. I guess that just doesn't mean what it used to.

Technical Difficulties

2006-07-11T22:49:00.000-05:00

Hey!

Apparently, we have a website. I kinda stopped working on it a while ago, but that doesn't matter now, because it vanished, along with the website of our hosting provider. Is this a case of slipping away in the middle of the digital night? Our best men are on the case. In the meantime, just know that the site is down, and our mail server is down, too, which means if you want to get in touch with us, your best bet is to use a non-theanimalclub.com email address.

We'll let you know when we pick up the pieces.

Regards,

Animal Club Technical Prowess

Nufjan!

2006-07-11T20:20:00.000-05:00

Mellon Collie and the Infinate Sadness

That was the last album I bought the day of it's release...until today. Sufjan Stevens' The Avalanche came out today, and I actually plopped $14 down on it at the Skokie Village Best Buy. I figure it'll be good for Sufjan to have a strong showing at the big boxes.

Upon first listen, The Avalanche is just as dense and impressive as Illinoise, which means I'll be "discovering" songs from this album well into 2007. The three alternate versions of Chicago don't disapoint, but aren't quite as good as the original. In other words, he made the right call. And peep that Chevy Avalanche in the cover art! Anyway, I recommend it. Good listen.

Also purchased from Best Buy- Season One of House, MD, starting former British sketch standout, Hugh Laurie.

Crossroads

2006-07-11T17:08:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every head of hair's life when you are faced with a very important question:
Do we keep growing or let ourselves be cut?
And if only our hair was capable of making decisions, we wouldn't have to do it for them. Alas, this is not the case and I find myself at this particular crossroads. And I'm a little unsure. A common misconception about long hair is that we keep it growing because we're too lazy to cut it. And that's not necessarily true. I will admit that a good quarter of an inch survived and flourished due to laziness. But, most of what I have is out of pure curiosity. I just wanted to see what would happen. And I must say that I've liked the results. I also must say that lately I've been leaning towards the clippers.
Half of me loves the hair. Not for much more than I like the way it feels. I like pulling it back and having it climb out the back of a bandana. Makes me kinda feel free.
Half of me wants a change. It's summer and long hair brings about longer sweat. ?
So yeah, like I was saying, lately I have been leaning towards a trim. But, today on my home from work I was bobbing my head to Built To Spill, kind of caught up in the thrill of all that is Distopian Dream Girl, and a man's frantic motions caught the corner of my eye as the train was coming to a stop. He was saying something, but all I heard was Built To Spill. He looked really happy and extended his arm out in an exuberant thumbs up. He started saying something else and I figured I should take the ear phones off. "There's so few of us left." My first thoughts were that he didn't look Hungarian and he wasn't standing like he was pigeon-toed. Then, he reached behind his head and showed me his ponytail. It was a perfect length ponytail. Not too long. And he didn't look scary. Just a happy guy with a ponytail who was proud of me. Kind of like my long-lost-long-haired father or something. At the very least a long-haired second cousin. But, it kind of left me feeling warm. I don't know why. But, it did.
And now, I'm back to square one.

New Linkage

2006-07-11T15:47:00.000-05:00

Comedy geeks ought to know The Apiary, NYC's "underground" "alt-comedy" "blog", and by extention, they should know The Bastion, the new Chicago "underground" "alt-comedy" "blog", in which the fourth post features whipsers spoken by...me, and they were nice enough to include AC on their young but growing "Sketch/Performance" list.

Makes me think we ought to do a show or something to back that up.

A Confession

2006-07-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

I'm currently wearing a pair of hospital-issue grippy socks, as pictured to the right. They are pretty damn comfortable, but I'm only wearing them because I have run out of real socks.

I wonder why I haven't worn these before? Damn, they're comfortable.

...I Was As Light As The Ether.

2006-07-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

I'm quite a creature of repetition. It's 2:31 AM, and I spent the last thirty minutes looking for my copy of "Raising Arizona". I can't fall asleep without a movie on, and moreover, when I get in the mood to watch a certain movie, no other movie will do. Some of the movies I rely heavily are:

• Cast Away
Duh. It's like an hour and a half of ocean noises. How could that not be peaceful? Oh yeah. The plane crash.

• Lord of the Rings
Any one will do. Pleasant, if inaccurate, British accents, awed hushes when they introduce a new set piece, you know the deal.

• Gangs of New York
Daniel Day-Lewis is dreamy. I wish to dream. Ergo, Gangs of New York.

• Arrested Development: Season Two
Trying to learn by osmosis.

• Adaptation
Don't know why, but this one works, too.

Raising Arizona has some of the best narration I've ever heard, and much of it is delivered in a gentle, hushed whisper, often describing the imagery of the main character's dreams. It's a great movie to fall asleep to. Unfortunately, my copy is a Netflix copy I've long since lost and paid for, then found again, only to lose again. Naturally, I've convinced myself I've seen it recently, and have furiously followed my trail of DVD's in the wrong cases through four rooms in my apartment, and all I'm left with is a copy of "American Beauty" without a case, a case for "Return to Me" without a movie, and yet another sleepless night.

Thankless Jobs

2006-07-10T19:14:00.000-05:00

If you're Lassie, we can all guess what's on your mind. You want to chase and herd something. Anything. Sheep. Goats. Lettuce. Collies love the shepherding. It's naturally in their blood. And that's what Chicago is banking on. The city just hired a brigade of collies to perform what may be the most repetitive, seemingly pointless job.

See, Lake Michigan is known for more than it's limestone bottom. It's a haven for e coli which frequently hold large-scale family reunions throughout its water. You know the kind. Softball games, chit chat, and homemade pie. Oh, and diarehea enducing. Anyway, sea gull poop is one of the safest ways for e coli to travel. It's also economical and warm.

The collies are being sent on a never ending mission to chase off sea gulls from the sands of Lake Michigan beaches before they can drop a turd. Then, the collies sit, watch the sea gulls break away towards the horizon, and then watch them quickly turn around and head back to the same spot that they had planned on pooping in only seconds ago. That gives anyone wanting to swim about 2.5 seconds to make an e coli free sand castle or dip their head in the e coli-less ocean before the sea gulls come back and threaten defecation. This is the job of these brave, brave, sad, sad collies.

Durability

2006-07-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

On the count of three let's all name the most heat/flame resistant material possible.
Ready.
One...
Two...
Three...

BIRD SHIT!!!!

Okay, let's be serious. How many of you said asbestos?

Chistmas, Birthday, Whatever.

2006-07-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

Think of a reason to buy me a present, then buy me these. That's right. I want the official Grey's Anatomy scrub bottoms. I hear you snickering, and I could give two shits about your judgement. Grey's Anatomy is the best show on television, and scrubs are the most comfortable creation in textiles. I've made my peace with it, and so should you.

I wonder if it's okay for actual doctors to wear these scrubs to the hospital? Probably not, because just like here, everyone at hospitals pretends to not like Grey's Anatomy, but just like here, everybody watches it and LOVES IT.

Don't bother me getting the matching top; I sleep sexily bare-chested. Pecs this good need some room to breathe.

Death Sentence

2006-07-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

This morning, a Firestone Car Service employee politely refused to fix my car. "It's no use," he said, "it's just going to break again in a few weeks. I'm sorry."

In a way, the timing couldn't be better. I'll soon be able to walk to my new job from my new apartment, and I've been meaning to start riding my bike more. Still, there's an air of loss and sadness knowing my trusty Saturn is officially on it's last legs. As such, I thought I'd pay tribute with a couple of lists; some true, if not interesting facts about Me and My Saturn.

• Price Paid - $4900 (in 1999)

• Miles (Total) - 132,000

• Miles (Mine) - 76,000

• Number of Animals Who Have Called it Home- 2 (a spider named "Chaffy" who lived in my driver's side rear view mirror, and a centipede named "Neck Crawler" who lived behind the center console)

• Number of Cross-Pennsylvania trips with ex-girlfriend- 12

• Number of midnight jaunts to Chode, Michigan - 1

• Bumper Stickers - 2. ("Kerry/Edwards in 2004" and the Human Rights Campaign logo).

And a list of my favorite car songs throughout the years:

• "Priest's Knees" by Destroyer
This is the Official Song of Driving In the summer of 2006, Gnarles Barkley be damned. Will go down in history as the last official driving song in this car's illustrious history.

• "Woman's Realm" by Belle & Sebastian
This was the first Official Song of Driving in the Saturn way back in 1999.

• "Bring The Pain" by Method Man
"When you drink Absolut straight it burn enough to give my chest hairs a perm". I don't have chest hairs, but that line is great. Went Official when I found the CD in my room this winter.

• "The Bells Are Ringing" by They Might Be Giants
That song made me cry a lot. Official through the Home Depot Summer of 2000.

• "Victoria" by The Kinks
Went Official in the Spring of 2003, right before I decided to leave Pittsburgh.

• "Who Could Win A Rabbit" by the Animal Collective
Official for three full seasons, I could be seen cruising Clark Street, screaming like an ass along to this beautiful camp song, and through 800 listens, I still have no idea what it's about.

• Eminem's rap battles from "8 Mile"
Official for a span of a week and a half, when I reacted to "8 Mile" the way people in the 70's reacted to "Saturday Night Fever" (namely, I though I'd start freestyling).

• "Two Rights Make One Wrong" by Mogwai
This song put visions of the future into my head, all of which would come true. When I felt desperate, I'd put it one and try to conjure more visions, but it didn't happen. That's why I think I've peaked. Official from 2001 through 2005.

L'il Kim's Free! She's free!

2006-07-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

Just thought everyone should know.

Two Week's Notice

2006-07-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

(note: this entry is about quitting my job. For information on the 2002 film starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, see Two Weeks Notice (film))

I've done it.

In two weeks I start my full time job at iO, leaving behind, hopefully for good, the ironic joys of working in corporate america. It was a little hard telling my boss I was leaving, if by hard you mean insatiably pleasurable. Nothing against my former co-workers and/or subordinates, but the database management lifestyle was just not for me. The job managed even to suck dry my love for design and layout, as I was asked to handle the data releases but was constrained (artistically) by small-minded corporate big wigs who sought shiny colors because they were more "noticeable", and preferred me NOT to use white space. C'est la American Dream.

Anyway, gone will be my commute, my healthy pay checks and the general store I've grown to depend on for blog fodder. As a tribute to my time in this office, I present a select handful of posts inspired by and written at my desk over the past year and a half. Enjoy?

The U.O.G.
Pinter Named This Office
Prepubescents, Start Your Engines
Shiver Me Vomit
Valentine's Day
Actual Conversation With A 65-Year-Old Co-Worker

Automatic For The People

2006-07-05T13:32:00.000-05:00

The bathroom in my soon-to-be-former office building is 100% automatic, which means it's 45% functional. The toilets are pretty reliable, but the building management saw some promise in automatic soap dispensers. So far, the urinals are batting about .750, the faucets about .500 and the soap dispensers (yes, automatic soap dispensers) are batting .000.

To Be Sung To I Dreamed A Dream

2006-07-01T14:54:00.000-05:00

I smelled a smell of time gone by,
When I was short and my bike had four tires.
I smelled a smell that made me high.
I smelled oddly scented plastic.
Then I was young and easily persuaded,
And Beastman was dyed and covered in green fake fur.
There was no explanation to be made.
No story told of why, or how, no exposition.

But Hasbro had a plan,
With thoughts of getting rid of backstock,
And they conned a million kids,
And they ponned Beastman off as Mossman.

He fought a summer in Skeletor's pride,
But should he have fought with He-Man, I wondered...
Without backstory I didn't know which side,
And he was boring by the time autumn came!

And still this smell comes back to me,
Not once but thrice in this past week,
But these are smells that shouldn't be,
After twenty years they should have expired!

Two solutions to this mystery:
They're marketing plastic-scented perfumes,
Or for discarding contrived toys with such ease...
Nostalgia must be haunting me...

Passing On Into The Ether

2006-06-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

It's old-ish news, but Sleater-Kinney is breaking up. As much as I understand their decision, it's tough watching another one of my bedrock bands slip into nostalgia. They're playing Lollapalooza next month, and that should be the last chance I get to see them. Pity, because Lollapalooza costs $$$ and takes hours: minutes I don't have.

I thought i'd pass along my favorite SK experience in honor. I tracked down to DC to watch Belle & Sebastian in 2003-ish, and to my surprise, Sleater-Kinney was the opening act. Now I adore SK, especially live, as it's as close as our generation can get to hardcore activist rock that's at least moderately accessible, but opening for Belle & Sebastian? That's morbidly odd. On top of that, the show was at the Daughters of the American Revolution Hall (Seats about 3000), and the joint was sold out, filled with gentle hipsters wearing sports jackets and glasses, just trying to hold hands with their significant other while Isobel Campbel lulled their elitist angst away (that was kind of over the top, but you get the idea). Then these three angry ladies come out and play loud and furious and inspired and madcap and no one save three or four people in the theatre knew what to do with themselves (those of us in the know shook our booties). My companion Joe's gentle shrooming quickly turned frightening and he had to leave for a while. Good fucking times.

Anyway, since I'm 100% positive Sleater-Kinney themselves read this blog, thanks for the music over the years. Sorry I can't make your Chicago coup-de-gras, and best of luck in the future.

PS- if you can track it down, there's an MP3 of SK, the butchies and the gossip playing "Fortunate Son". It's goose-bump material.

Things I Have Spilled On Myself Today

2006-06-30T11:16:00.000-05:00

• Toothpaste Water
• Frappuchino
• Motor Oil
• Coffee
• Regular Water

Daily Wikipedia 2

2006-06-30T10:35:00.000-05:00

Bird Strike

Gross entry all around, especially:

"In the USA, remains of the bird, usually a bloody goo called snarge, are sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to determine the species."

Snarge?

NOT COOL!

2006-06-29T15:08:00.000-05:00

:( :( :(

Mike Lange Fired.

*angry smiley face*

A Toy Is A Toy

2006-06-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

I was playing with this toy truck today and I noticed that the tires had "TRUCK TIRE" molded in them. Contrary to popular belief, children ages three and up are not stupid. For their entire three and up years of existence they have shared this planet with truck tires. Now, if you're going to take the time to embed labels into plastic, for pete's sake, at least put something clever on them. Even stupidly clever. Like a play on the words Goodyear or Michelin (May I suggest Toyyear of Toychelin?). Or just go generic and use an already existing real tire brand (May I suggest Goodyear or Michelin). Just do something. Because really there's no point in labeling tires "TRUCK TIRE". It's just another case of toymakers underestimating their audience. What makes them think that children ages three and up know the name of every truck part except the tires anyway? There are plenty of complicated parts to a truck that adults ages 18 and up couldn't locate. Why isn't the CARBURETOR labeled? How about the CRANKSHAFT? In fact, why isn't the toy just a series of labels on wheels with an even larger overall label, "TOY TRUCK", embedded onto the finished product so the children will know what the hell they are currently playing with?
Wake up and smell the revolution Tonka!

If I Had No Taste

2006-06-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

FreeNapster is a living taste-mirror for the music snob. Try as I might not to, I have listened to the following songs today:

1. "Lucas With The Lid Off" - Lucas
2. "If I Had No Loot" - Tony Toni Tone
3. "Flava In Your Ear" - Craig Mack
4. "Flex" - Mad Cobra
5. "Swoon Units" - Digable Planets
6. "Big Poppa (sic)" - Notorious BIG
7. "Here Come the Hotstepper" - Ini Kamoze
8. "Show Biz Kids" - Steely Dan
9. "Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac
10. "That's All" - Genesis
11. "Baby I Love Your Way" - Big Mountain
12. "Dream On Dreamer" - Brand New Heavies

So, yeah, I'm kinda stuck in 1993 today. So what? It was a very good year.

Spoiler Warning (Advanced Notice)

2006-06-28T13:21:00.000-05:00

After Superman, Shane said what is, without a doubt, the dorkiest thing I've ever heard him say. Ever. But I can't recap it for you, because it gives away some serious Superman plot details. So, I've buried the quote in a backdated post you can read here.

By the way, boo to blogger not letting you change the date-stamp on posts anymore. What's that all about?

Superman Returns

2006-06-28T01:08:00.000-05:00

it was good.

moderately in love with kate bosworth.

could have done without the last thirty minutes.

moderately in love with brandon routh.

one and a half thumbs up.

go see it?

Two Of A Kind?

2006-06-27T19:00:00.000-05:00

In our little world, there has long been running dialogue about whether Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton are, in fact, the same man or different men and what's more which is which. It's become a little easier with Paxton in Big Love now, but here's the best breakthrough in the Pullman/Paxton talks:

THEY WERE IN THE SAME MOVIE!

Yes!! Yes!! It happened! Way back in 19 hundred and 90! And it was called Brain Dead! From the guy who wrote for the original Twilight Zone!
Eerie?
Do I hear eerie from anyone?

We Are The Champions...Kill Crush Destroy!

2006-06-27T14:03:00.000-05:00

I may not have graduated, but Carnegie-Mellon will always be "my" school. I spent two years there, and left for decidedly less-green pastures at Point Park. Still, I'm very proud of the work I did there, and still take a bit of pride in "my" school's accomplishments. Witness your 2006 Robot Soccer Champions, The Carnegie-Mellon Fighting Tartan Robot Soccer Players (or CMDragons '06, if you want to be particular). CMU outscored it's opponents 53-3 throughout the tournament, and this win is the school's third in the "small robot" division (including a win while I was undergradding in 1998).

On the RoboCup homepage, you'll see the stated objective of the RoboCup is to field a humanoid robot soccer team that can defeat the human World Cup champions by 2050. You know what that means- robot soccer riot in 2050. Awesome.

...

2006-06-26T17:47:00.000-05:00

george bush likes to trot 9/11 out as a reason for why he acts the way he does.

watch this clip of jon stewart and try not to vomit the next time bush says "nine eleven".

Daily Wikipedia 1

2006-06-25T23:03:00.000-05:00

Flutie Flakes

An altogether forgettable entry, save this beautiful last line:

"Flutie Flakes is also a common derisive term used in reference to Flutie fans who display an extreme fanaticism and irrationality when it comes to Doug Flutie"

Through The Bookingbag

2006-06-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

Today, in one fowl swoop, I solved all the mysteries that have been plaguing me for weeks. Ever since we came back from New York, my mind has been a shambles-a wasteland devoid of any thought. I suffered from severe post-landing jet-lag brought on by massive sleep deprivation. This coupled with the fact that Ruth left last weekend. So, it was emotional and
tiring. Physically and mentally I was a train wreck of a person. And in this whirlwind of hysteria I somehow lost my driver's license, my work ID, and my gym locker key. All are vital in my day to day life and all were nowhere to be found. I had little time to search as my week was jam-packed with exhaustion. And in the rare case that I did get a chance I would run rampant through the house overturning refridgerators and breaking vases. And nothing- not a single clue.

The last I remembered seeing my license was the morning I flew in from New York, my work ID about two days later, and my gym locker key about a day after that. I felt like the exhaustion was physicalizing itself and taking things of mine and the worst part was I didn't know where exhaustion lived when it wasn't with me.

But, today I went to buy a frappucino because I needed the caffeine boost and because I knew I had extra change to throw around. But, when I reached in my bag to retrieve the change it was nowhere to be found. I searched all over, in every possible pocket and found nothing still. At this point rationality took a back seat and I shook my bag like it was some little hoodlum who just needed to be roughed up before singing like a bird. And you know what? It did. I could hear the coinbird. It was trapped some where. I searched harder and found a hole just big enough to swallow quarters, dimes, driver's licenses, work IDs, and gym locker keys. And just like that, my world became a brighter and more exciting place.

All Apologies

2006-06-23T17:53:00.000-05:00

I owe YouTube a big apology. I won't go into specifics, because I don't want the gentle soul who helped me through the day to have their vids removed, but their dedication to a certain NBC sitcom that rhymes with Crubs makes up for yesterday's House debacle.

Bless you, anonymous contributor.

Lost Tooth

2006-06-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

The other day, I opened a gym locker and found a white tooth-like object in the top shelfy section. The reason for its tooth-likeness was that it was in fact a tooth. Bit of dried blood and everything. Who leaves a tooth in the top shelfy thing of a locker? That was the first thought that came to me. Next I thought about poor hygiene because there hadn't been a locker room fight in the gym for I don't know how long. And finally, I thought about how weird teeth are. They're like disposable bones. No one drops a femur and discards it on the top shelfy section of a locker.

A Reasonable Projection of Actors Who Could Play Me in the Made-For-TV-Movie About My Life

2006-06-22T15:37:00.000-05:00

Jonathan Lipniki
Bryce Beckham
Josh Byrne
Scott Wolf
Gregory Smith
Rick Lawless

related: greatest movie of all time?

Where In The Continental US Is Ruth Gamble?

2006-06-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

For those of you missing the trademark curls and the mile-wide smile, here's an update. Ruth scored a gig with Mickey D's. She's traveling the globe (at least the US part of the globe), attending huge events (Pirates of the Caribbean 2 premiere, Lollapalooza, and NASCAR races), and riding in a pimped out RV. You know, the usual deal. All this craziness will be broadcast on this website in webisodes! So you can see her even when you're not seeing her. Last I checked the sight wasn't up yet, but be patient. So soon it will be. And if you're in the area where she is, shoot her an email at ruthgamble@theanimalclub.com . I'm sure she'd love to hang out. She'll be back in October which is a long time to wait, but some people are definitely worth waiting that long for. We're still planning on forging ahead with the silent show that she helped develop. We'll just plug her in when she gets back.

The Rembrandts Greatest Hit(s)

2006-06-20T16:50:00.000-05:00

The Rembrandts have released a greatest hits album. This blog has at times been a testament to my love (love being used in its more sarcastic state) for undeserving greatest hits albums. The Rembrandts album goes a little something like this.

Track 1
I'll Be There For You (Opening Credits Of Friends Version)
Track 2
I'll Be There For You (Syndicated And Shortened Friends Version)
Track 3
I'll Be There For You (Hip Hop Remix) (Featuring Timbaland)
Track 4
I'll Be There For You (Kidsong Version) (Featuring Children Shouting Out The Lyrics While The Song Plays In The Far Far Background)
Track 5
I'll Be There For You (Because Our Group Names Are Similar Sounding Version) (Featuring the Replacements)
Track 6
'll Be There For (Pronoun-Free Remix)
Track 7
I'll Be There For You-But Will You Be There For Me? (An Interesting Twist That Leaves You Thinking Version)
Track 8
I'll Be There For You (The Jeep Remix)(Featuring Engine Revs And Tire Screeches)
Track 9
I'll Be There For You (Olympic Gymnasts Version) (Featuring Your Favorite Gymnastics Moments From Over 60 Years Of Televised Olympic Competition) *Production Note-Unable To Finance Visual Component To CD And Unable to Obtain Rights To Any Actual Footage Anyway. Just Imagine Those Moments While Listening To This Track. You'll See What We Mean.
Track 10
I'll Be There For You (The Christmas Version) (Featuring Jesus, Mary, Joseph, The Three Wisemen, Some Shepherds, A Donkey, Two Sheep, And Actual Angels)
Track 11
I'll Be There For You (Millenium Version)(Featuring Real Audio Clips Of People Throughout Time Who Were There For Each Other)
Track 12
I'll Be There For You (Original Version)