Ahem-

"Let's talk about 'roids."

If you haven't heard that at least three times today, you must not be American. It seems to be on the tip of everyone's tongues. As for me, I find that the people in my company seem to keep it at the tip and prevent the sentence from escaping their mouths. Oh well. I guess they don't need to say anything. It's all over the news. Ballplayers and steroids!! Steroids and ballplayers!! I'm not sure where this sudden concern is coming from. It's not like steroid-use is a new thing-especially in sports. And, if you kick up some history books, you'll find steroids have been around a lot longer and were used by some surprisingly important people in a multitude of occupations. I give you exhibit A:




Ladies and gentlemen, Grover "Big Guns" Cleveland. The only president to serve two nonconsecutive terms-on steroids! You don't get arms like those on just protein shakes, baby! In the picture, even the hat seems to cower in fear and respect. His coat doesn't even fit him anymore and really, what coat could sufficiently protect all his muscles? Rumor has it that he'd walk in on House meetings and just glare at representatives with a look in his eyes that Rep. Badhaldren "Scuffy" Webster from Tennessee (1887-1899) could only describe as an "I-could-put-my-arm-through-your-face-kind-of-look". It goes without saying that you voted for what Grover wanted. It was a vote to stay alive. His roid rage was legendary and left so many holes in the White House that repairmen finally just resorted to placing glass over them and calling them windows.

So, you see, steroids are just as american as ephedra, cocaine, and apple pie. They're a part of our history as well as our future both in baseball and outside of it. Besides, why make such a fuss? Didn't someone just hit 71 home runs in a season? Don't we, in some season soon, want to see 756 home runs hit, shattering the single season record and breaking the career home run total all at once? How in the hell can we do that without steroids? Hard work? Practice? That only got us 61. Get off your high horse, why don't you! You're living in the past!! And by past, I mean before Grover Cleveland's time.