Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you know that the stories of our absence have been slightly exaggerated, but one thing we can say is true. The Animal Club, as we've known it for seven years, is wrapping it up. It's an amicable seperation. And in many ways, we're still going to be working on many projects together. I like to think of it as spreading and not seperating. And I also like to misspell seperation/seperating (separation/separating). We've got some new territory we want to explore. So, shed a tear if you must, but don't be sad for too long. We move on with fond memories and have no idea what's to come next, but it all seems pretty exciting.

We're keeping the website up to let everyone know what we're up to. It may just morph into something completely different, too. But, keep checking it. Also, we're going to have a crazy last show this summer (tba) in our birthplace, that ol' city o' steel, and were hoping to bring back all former Animal Club members and turn it into a big reunion. We'll obviously let you know about all that as it unfolds.

Biggest complete news we have in regard to this is that we're going to keep this blog going. Because, well, because we're too close to 1000 posts not to. So, please, keep coming back here.

And without further adue, orangutan boxing:

This One Time... At Space Camp...

I'm sure every blog in the world has better one-liners for this than I do; that's fine. I'm not really in a one liner mood anyway. I'm more in a Daily Show like mood, where you just show the thing you want to make fun of and let it make fun of itself. Without further ado:

Astronaut Plans To Attempt To Murder Other Astronaut For Loving Another Astronaut

But I'd really like to hear what Kathy Scientist has to say about this.

Temperatures?

So, is it below zero where you blog?

I Mean It's Almost A Month Later, And I'm Still Amazed!

Holy F'ing God Damned Future Phone!

Gerald Ford : 19?? - 2006

Gerald Ford passed away yesterday. To commemorate the occasion, President Bush has ordered a National Day of Shrugging And Vague Recolection Of The Dana Carvey Sketch Where He Was Tom Brokaw Pre-Taping Death Notices For Gerald Ford.

Yes, I've been waiting a month for something worth blogging. Death of a former President? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Five Way

Bonus points for me because that's a single-and-a-half-entendre. How so?

• This is my fifth blog post today
• This is about a gratuitous quintuple kidney transplant

Johns Hopkins scheduled a five-way kidney transplant - 5 patients, 5 donors. If this was some kind of bizarre coincidence, I'd have been okay with it. It's not every day a transplant surgeon gets to be all, "Damn, we're really getting slammed today". But they did this as, and I quote, "a demonstration to the rest of the world that this is possible if everyone wants to work together."

Bullshit.

That's the same phony psuedo-humility athletes use when they win a title, or mid-managers use to buff up employee moral. This was a transplant unit whipping it's dick out, showing it to the rest of the transplant units across the country, and screaming, "Call me John Holmes, bitches", then coming all over their faces. As if the transplant team at St. Francis in Evanston didn't have an inferiority complex already.

Also, how did they convince the patients who needed the transplants to survive that it would be better if they got their life saving treatment at the same time as four other people? "Well, we got you a kidney, but if you can hold out for like two more days, we're gonna blow some fucking minds!"

I wonder if a rep from Guinness was there. I wonder if they have a record for simultaneous transplant surgeries. And if so, I wonder why. Can't imagine that started many bar fights.

Well, I'm off to protest Johns Hopkins for being transplant-unit bullies. If you want to join me, I'll be simultaneously smoking six packs of cigarettes, guzzling grain alcohol, not exercising, swallowing diet pills by the dozen, and sticking my hand into an industrial wood chipper in hopes of needing the world's first quintuple organ transplant (lungs, liver, heart, kidneys and hand). Not for personal glorification, mind you, but rather to show the world that it's possible if I decide to work with myself.

Four is a Round Number

Whereas three is not. Roundness, friends. That's the goal of every sketch comedy blog. Objective met.

I sure wish Shane would start writing again. Sigh.

The Way I See It

I’m not as interesting as the art I consume. Are you?

Bullet Points

• This is the 950th post in ACSCC blog history.
• This marks the first (1st) time in ACSCC blog history that all writers besides Baz have been bumped from the front page due to sheer volume
• Rumor has it Shane just bought a computer
• Rumor has it also that Mike was in some kind of parade on Saturday
• Guitar Hero beaten on easy and medium; hard is giving me fits
• Best free MMORPG ever
• Sketch Comedy. Yeah.

Grammar Much?

well, at least they got the "carnage" part right.

People. We Can Do Better.

The internet is only 1% porn.

Pain Of Worth

Since August, every other post on the AC blog has started with "Sorry we haven't been blogging..." and far be it from me to poke tradition in the eye. That said, sorry we haven't been blogging, but this time, we've got a good, no, GREAT excuse.

Guitar Hero II.

I picked up GH2 and a spare SG controller, and have since logged a solid eight hours of rocking. I hooked the game up to the Animal Club's video projector, so I'm rocking out, with an associate, in front of a 100" screen. Life may get better than this, but I don't care if I find out.

The copious amount of playing had rendered my left hand useless. It still hurts, but today I can hunt-and-peck a lil' bit better.

In summary, go get Guitar Hero II.

That is all.

For Stefan Lawrence

and maybe some other people, too

French Bread Grossness

I usually stop at a gas station on my way to work to pick up coffee and a muffin. Near the coffee machine is a freezer that contains various kinds of French Bread Pizza. The side of said freezer has little explosion graphics with descriptive words inside them, supposedly in reference to the pizzas contained therein. Some of the descriptive words:

Delicious!
Cheesy!
Chewy!

um...chewy? Chewy. Would you ever use the word chewy to describe a pizza you were trying to sell someone?

I bought three.

Say Goodnight, Gracie

In case you haven't noticed, the fate of the GOP controlled Senate is in the hands of Burns & Allen.

openhuman

move over, myspace. openhuman is here.

openhuman is an open-source voluntary database of people. you create a page about yourself, then write "confessions" and "facts" about yourself. the site also encourages you to post naked pictures of yourself. uh, so there's that.

i highly recommend doing this, though i have no idea why you'd want to. you can't view other people's pages, there's no "random human" button, there's no friend system. it's just a list of shit about yourself that the database owners make freely available to whoever wants it. i say what the hell. go for it. i did (no naked pictures yet. sorry.)

Politics + Comedy = Power?

Feeling politically active? Have a cell plan with free weekend minutes? If so, come on down to the iO annex Saturday at noon for a phone party. Jeremy Sosenko has obtained a list of registered democrats who we will call and gently remind to vote on Tuesday. Don't worry; it's not as shady as it sounds. This is an officially sanctioned action, though by who I'm not sure. Either way, we'll meet in the third beat room and spread to my office if needed. My office has a dart board, remote control Hummer, and a putting green if you get bored. The good times start killing you* at noon, and won't stop till you get enough** (or 3:00, whichever comes first).

* - ©2004, Modest Mouse, used with Permission
** - ©1978, Michael Jackson, used without Permission

Lying Asshat

Plugs! Plugs for Friends!

A bunch of my sketch friends are involved in a really great project headed up by the JibJab people; it's a contest where groups wrote pieces set in a jail and then went out to LA to film them with John Landis of Animal House fame, and is dubbed The Great Sketch Experiment. I'd be remiss if I showed any kind of favoritism here, so I'll just list them in random order:

Tall Cop Short Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tall Cop/Short Cop" by Elephant Larry

So You Want to be a Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"So You Wanna Be A Cop" by Karla featuring members of Brick and Troop!

Tom and Tina | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tom and Tina" by Train of Thought

Faith Restored

There's a crew of AT&T linemen working out behind iO right now, and they've just reaffirmed my belief in blue-collarism. An overheard conversion, verbatim to wit:

WORKER 1: So they got you doin' stuff again?

WORKER 2: Fuckin' yeah. And fucking' up here fuckin' working wires and fuckin'.

WORKER: 1: Oh yeah?

WORKER 2: Fuck yeah. Fuckin'.

AT&T. Fuckin' reach out and touch someone, you fuck.

Score 1 4 U Tube

Pavement ruins Goldie Hawn's visit on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, circa 1996:

Great Headline, Great Article

Semi-famous actress dumps on the 'Burgh. The semi-famous actress in question was Sienna Miller who I contend is more than semi-famous. She's actually famous. Nora Dunn is someone I'd describe as semi-famous actress. Or Skee-Lo, if we were talking about semi-famous rappers.

I know us simple Pittsburghers (former, even) can't compete with the Londons and New Yorks of the world, but we do have the most cole-slaw and french-fry filled sandwiches in the world.

Related: The corpse of Fred Rogers rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in Sienna Miller's general direction. On it were the words: "Don't Tread On Pittsburgh".

Also Related: The corpse of Andy Warhol rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in The Corpse Of Fred Rogers' general direction. On it were the words: "She's right, you know."

Video of Robotic Arm Caressing Chia Head

No Shit.

via Slashdot

Bad Video-off!

What's the worse combination of sights and sounds? YOU be the judge!

The Contender: "Shine A Little Love" by Electric Light Orchestra


The Champion: "Separate Ways" by Journey

Ho Hum

This "write post window" has been open for four hours. Seems I can't really come up with much to say. Hmmm. I guess I could tell you what Animal Club has been up to. Let's do that.

Animal Club went on a hiatus after the New York Sketchfest in June. We've been going at it for six years now, and some time off was desperately needed. We've been writing new stuff during that time, so it's not like we stopped working, we just stopped reaping the benefits of working. We've got a nice batch of new material that we'll be trying out when we wake up. We're taking out time with it because we think we have to at this point; after three years of touring and writing and performing and producing, we've kind of hit a point where we need to make a real impact with our next show. So that's that. In the meantime, we've been "hired" as "writers" for a project we're not really allowed to talk about. It's a nice affirmation, but we don't know what benefits it'll pay beyond that. As soon as we're allowed to talk about it, you'll know. Ruth is moving on to different pastures, having spent the past six months touring with McDonald's, and she's gotten more offers while on tour. Obviously we wish her the best.

Personally, I've taken up residence at iO as the director of media development and booking shows and shit like that. It keeps me very busy, but now I'm officially employed full time in showbiz, so there's that.

Tom keeps on trucking, Mike keeps on fucking, and Shane lives by himself. All in all, it's a good time to an AC member. But it's not a good time to be a blogger. Wonder why that is?

Anyway, I hope all of you are caught up now, and we'll let you know when we decide to start performing again.

Peaces!

OMFG!

Worst website name ever?

Cigarettespedia.

In case you were wondering AND too lazy to click on the link, yes, it is a Wikipedia of Cigarettes. Press "Random Page" a bunch of times. It's fun?

Reluctant Genius

I got the reluctant thing down. Now what?

Ranking Doctor Shows

Most of the shows on television are about doctors. Here's a guide to help you tell the difference, in order from best to worst.

#1: House, MD.
Kind of Doctors: Mean, Brilliant, Crippled, Black, Hot, Australian
Cross between: Sherlock Holmes, Malice
Sample Scene:

PATIENT: It hurts when I...

HOUSE: Shut up. Start the patient on 90 milligrams Papscenitine Pharmicate, If she gets better-

PATIENT: I'm a man...

HOUSE: Shut. Up!! If HE gets better, I'm right. If he dies, you're right.

CAMERON: We can't just treat before we diagnose.

HOUSE: Why not?

CAMERON: Because I'm hot.

FOREMAN: And I'm black.

CHASE: And I'm Australian.

HOUSE: Sorry, I'm a cripple. Cripple beats everything, especially a hot black Australian chick. Because cripples are real. Was that over the top?

#2: Scrubs
Kind of Doctors: Funny, Shallow, Light, Black, Young, Fake
Cross Between: ER, Malcom in the Middle, The Naked Gun
Sample Scene:

JD: (voice over) I spent all night studying so I could impress Doctor Cox, and I figured even he would have to notice.

JD: Hey Dr. Cox, I-

COX: Newbie, whatsay we shimsham on the jibjab, raise a glass to our elders and toast to your ever impressive ability to not impress me no matter how, and this is the important part, hard you try because we both know it won't get you anywhere but still you need to do it, why you're like the little engine that could in the sequel, the little engine that figured it out and donated himself to a railway museum simply to avoid being filled by hobos eating pork n' beans straight outta the can for the rest of his days.

TURK: Don't listen to him, JD. I'm black.

ELLIOT: And I'm hot.

JANITOR: And I'm not a doctor.

#3: Grey's Anatomy
Kind of Doctors: Hot, Horny, Asian, Black,
Cross Between: Lifetime Original Movie, Scrubs, Sex in the City
Sample Scene:

MEREDITH: Why won't you love me?

McDREAMY: I don't? Are we back on I don't? Because I thought I did.

MEREDITH: No, last week you did, this week you don't.

McDREAMY: I need a flow chart.

BAILEY: Shouldn't you be on rounds? MOVE!

GEORGE: You know who loves you week in and week out, Meredith? Me. Aren't I cute?

IZZY: And aren't I hot?

CHRISTINA: And aren't I asian?

WEBBER, BURKE and BAILEY: And aren't we black?

(something that sounds like Sarah McLaughlan plays)

Believe it or not, there are more doctor shows on TV, but I don't like any of those, and am sick of writing this entry. If you're watching a show that doesn't look like this, it's probably Nip/Tuck, or something on the Discovery Channel. Or ER. Or the venom show on Animal Planet. But that's most of them. I think.

Happy...

...Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Yeah. Whatever.

great spam!

Like all things in life, great spam needs to be recognized. I just received a bee-yootie:

From: Acapulco
Subject: It will explode.

I didn't open it because I figured it would all be down hill from there.

Tomb Of The Unknown Drummer

I saw an infomercial for the latest Time Life "Ultimate Whatever Decade" collection the other night. This one casts a long-overdue spotlight on the pop rock hits of the 70's. Naturally, the collection itself is weak, and they played the same fifteen clips for the duration of the half hour infomercial, but something struck me.

Of those fifteen clips, nine of them had drummers pulling double duty as lead singers. Don Henley-style beards, Don Henley-style 8-beats with Don Henley-style singing over their left shoulder. And none of them were Don Henley. Makes me wonder if that was an actual trend in 70's pop- having a drummer/singer. And if so, why would we let that die? It's pretty great when a drum kit isn't buried upstage, but put down center, letting that drummer absorb the praise owed to his brethren for generations. Imagine if the trend held, and we'd have Phil Selway belting front and center falsettos during "We Suck Young Blood", or Will Champion not still playing, but now singing "The Scientist." I tell you, that would be magic.

Morning

Have you ever mistaken an empty champagne bottle for a kitty cat? I just did. Sign o' the times, huh?

They say...

...a man can not have too many blogs.

I tend to agree.

Today I'm announcing my fifth or sixth or seventh blog, depending on how you keep track. It's a luscious, sketch comedy star-laden journey into the strange world of sports we like to call:

Sports On Computer! Dot Com!

The staff is pretty much a who's who of sketch comedians who like sports, and is populated as follows:

• Me and Shane Portman (Chicago's reclusive Animal Club)
• Geoff Haggerty (NYC's incomparable Elephant Larry, currently playing at the PIT)
• Jason Durge (LA's mega-stars-in-the-making Troop!, currently playing at UCB LA)
• Cory Neely (Seattle's litterally groundbreaking Flaming Box of Stuff, who have sadly broken up)
• Dusty Warren (Also of FBoS, currently touring his one-man show All-American Push-Up Party)
• Will Nunziata (NYC's brilliant, hyper-political The Royal We)

There's a whole other section of the site that'll eventually go up- with formal articles written by some Chicago comedians you might actually recognize. So. Are you one of the seven comedians in Chicago who like sports? Are you one of the four of those seven who know how to use a computer? Then Sports On Computer is the website for you.



End Plug.