Monday, October 31, 2005

do they know it's halloween

yeah, it might be the best song ever recorded. thanks, beck and indie rock friends

itunes link, totally worth $0.99

ding ding ding

i forgot to put my cell phone on vibrate at the office today. i then proceeded to leave it in my coat pocket, so i couldn't feel it vibrate before it blasted out my recently purchased ringtone. so, while i was meeting with my boss, studying the numbers on our next data distribution, from my desk comes the ear-piercingly loud opening to "eye of the tiger". i was a little embarrassed, to put it lightly. i ran out and turned it off, and when i came back to my boss' office she just looked at me for a second. "what?", i said, "i like feeling like a champion". she didn't crack a smile, and i think it's because it wasn't all that funny. anyway, at least it wasn't my last ringtone, "shut your fucking face uncle fucker" from south park.





SAT review

jerry lewis is to the french as...
a) cory feldman is to the khazikstanis
b) frankie stalone is to the austrians
c) mickey rourke is to the british
d) molly shannon is to idiots

quick q, simple a

during my lunch break, i was wondering to myself:

Q: bicycles were originally used primarily as a mode of transportation, then assumed a more recreational persona as other transportation modes were developed. but was there ever a practical use for unicycles?

A: not really. the unicycle's primary function is for dressing up and riding on, causing a scene with yourself, such as pictured to the right. the unicycle's secondary function is "enhancing" perfectly normal sports, creating retarded hybrid sports such as mountain unicycling and unicycle hockey. tertiary uses for unicycles range from ironic gift giving to making veiled threats of lifelong financial dependancy on one's parents.

comedic rumblings from my almost mater

my years at carnegie-mellon prepared me well for a lifetime of comedy, and it appears some current staff is following in my footsteps. witness the new book, How to Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion., by CMU robot-scientist daniel "if-then" wilson (pictured right, nickname made up). haven't read it, probably won't, but that will not stop me from recommending it.

an article in the animal club-friendly pittsburgh post-gazette mentioned that his book is, get this, causing a stir among robot scientists at cmu...

"That humorous but fact-based message is exactly what some CMU scientists are wary of, too. Scientists are mostly a pretty quiet bunch, used to working in seclusion on obscure stuff most of us don't understand, so the last thing they want is a shock of publicity about, say, killer robots. Even fake killer robots.

Wilson, 27, got a taste of that wariness when photographers from a CMU alumni magazine tried to find robots to photograph him with, in the school's robot labs in Oakland. Most of the roboticists didn't want their robots pictured, and Wilson ultimately had to cover identifying logos on one of the machines before posing with it."

that wariness is quite real. the robot scientists (i don't believe roboticists is a real word) all work at a building known only as "building D", and it's stuck in this lonely valley on campus, with no linkage to the other buildings. i always wondered what kind of weird stuff went on there. the fact that the robot scientists were afraid of having their robots' pictures taken sort of validates my fears/assumptions. i wonder what robot they finally got to agree to the photo op. hopefully it was one of the soccer-playing ones.

Wilson supposedly had the project optioned to paramount before finishing the book, and the rumor is that the folks behind Reno 911 are signed on to write the screenplay. does this mean thomas lemon will be a hot-pantsed evil robot? one can only hope.

note: on the title of this post: the phrase "almost mater" is a play on "alma mater", and one i'm still proud of (i went to cmu for a while but left a couple semesters from graduation). i'm beginning to think it wasn't clear enough, hence this epilogue.

via /.

pittsburgh fun

our recent pittsburgh trip was quite the success. in chronological order, here's how the trip went down:

point park student show: that was fun. rachael stevens brought the crowd, we brought the funny. worked out nice. was fun.
alumni event:
PPU master class: i wasn't there, but i heard people had fun.
point park senior class: also not there, also heard people had fun.
COPA idol: rumor has it they showed our film, Clemmy Bunts, and it got a good response. woo hoo.
point park sophomore/junior class: that was fun. i got all jazzed about it. good times. thanks to mary rawson and phil winters for bringing us in, and thanks to the über-enthusiastic kids for asking questions i thought you only got asked on inside the actors studio (my favorite part was when i got to make fun of my old science teacher from college, which will get it's own blogpost not too long from now)
alan cox's radio show: dude plugged us for, like, ten minutes. thanks alan. how fun is that?
funny bone show: another 200 or so of the best people in the burgh came out to support. i think we all had a good time. a decent amount of material made it's debut, so that was fun. gab rocked shit out, and we got to do pittsburgh state of mind again, which was fun.

some stats:
• number of times we did "third grade theology" in pittsburgh: 3
• number of times we did "clemmy" in pittsburgh: 4
• number of times tom passed out sitting up in a bed with a drink in his hand: 2
• amount of garbage mike set on fire at tom's house: approx. 14 lbs.
• number of new sketches premiered: 4
• average amount of money spent on the funnybone show per person: $25
• number of times baz hit on mike's sister right in front of him: 6
• number of times mike hit on baz's sister(s) right in front of him: 2
• number of poop stories told by tom at emily's house: approx. 17
• number of animal club members who slept through the steeler game on baz's dad's boat: 5
• number of sketches written by former AC members in the funny bone show: 3
• number of new friends made on the trip: a million.
• number of blow jobs (recieved): 0 :(
• number of blow jobs (given): 0 :)
• number of times one AC member jinxed another: 233

we'll be back in pittsburgh sometime this spring or summer, hopefully with some sketch friends in tow, so we'll see you again soon. thanks, everyone!

quote of the year

for the recent article in the tribune-review, ruth gave a really great, lengthy, in depth interview to the author. i was sitting next to her, feeling very proud as she went into great detail describing the differences between sketch and improv and standup, boldly trying to help our meeger artform stick out in the mucky soup of comedic styles.

now, we're always on the lookout for killer press snipits, things that sum up what we want people to know about us in one sentence. i think the trib delivered with the best one of all, and i'm going to change our webpage to reflect our favorite new press quote:

"One of the best young groups in the country!"- San Francisco Chronicle
"One of the ten cool things to do this holiday season!"- Chicago Sun-Times
"A comedy blitzkreig the audience is helpless to resist!"- City Paper
"We have costumes!" - Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Home again

Hey! I'm back in Chi-Town and I've brought tidings of press clippings from our Funnybone show!

The City Paper

The Pittsburgh Post Gazette

The Pittsburgh Tribune Review
(Interesting note: We're called an improv group in this article even though Ruth is quoted as saying "We don't improvise." Hm.)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Bump this!!

Just got back to the mainland (Pittsburgh) from the village of Perryopolis. We lived with Tom's parents for a few days in this bustlingly beautiful land. Apparently George Washington himself lived there also. Although we never once bumped into him. WHAT A DICK!!!

You know the ol' George Washington-cherry tree story? Did you ever wonder what the world would be like if George could tell a lie?
The Same (with more lies strewn about it)?

Just something to think about.

We'll be at The Funny Bone tonight at 7:30, if anyone's in the area.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

oh, bligatory

i'm just going to assume that if yr internet-savvy enough to find your way here, you probably check homestar frequently, and as such i'm not giving too much away when i say that the cheat's cheatventures in moses maloneland is one of the funniest things they've done in a while. talking party socks this way!

Monday, October 24, 2005

i've had it...

...with all the "why is apple so cool?" articles. apple's just cool. deal with it. move on. don't explore. don't wonder aloud. don't hypothesize or speculate or emulate or write any more fucking articles about it. steve jobs doesn't hold meetings where he tries to make apple "more cool", they don't track how cool they are, they don't really have that strong a report with teenagers, who define what is and isn't cool. apple is a computer company that makes fine products. the end. stop talking about it.

head of the class

are you a senior theatre student at point park university? do you have phil winters for class tuesday at 1? if so, no you don't. you've got us. barely a fortnight after teaching our first university class, we're going to be Sitting In For Mr. Winters (a good name for a show, i think) this week.

one of the things i'm packing for the trip is a collection of six scarves. we always told ourselves the moment we become teachers is the moment we wear scarves to class. and here we are. and there's some scarves. and the prophecy is fulfilled.

just eight more...

what with shane vacationing in pittsburgh between shows, i've been the only one tending to the group blog. i just did some math, and if i can post 8 more times before shane does, i'll completely bump him off the blog's main page! if i blog just twice more, all evidence of shane's assistance will be rendered archival, save one post. i think this is a worthy goal, and i'm willing to sacrifice my practical animal club responsibilities (like making dvd's and packing up extra costumes) to do it. once shane's gone, it's back to baz...oh yeah, and those other guys.

colbert nation

there's already a colbert report fansite, that may or may not be created by stephen colbert himself. i, for one, think it's self-made, and if i'm proven right, that will make it all the more awesome. we've been toying with the idea of developing animal club fansites, and hosting them places like geocities and tripod and whatever hosts people use for free shit nowadays. mostly, i just wanted to make, in honor of our recently departed piano player/beleagured contributor. turns out is not only taken and frequently updated, it's done so by a chad bender that our chad bender (the real chad bender) knows because they're from the same town. chad bender is/was some kind of radio dj in tyrone, pa just when chad bender moved there in the mid 1990's. he convinced half or so of his high school that he was the chad bender for a while. they kept saying, "your voice sounds so different!" and "aren't you on the radio right now?", and chad would say "you know how the camera adds ten pounds? radio does that to your voice" and "we pre-record so i can go to school like a regular kid".

if i ever have enough spare money and time, i'll probably register the domain, and list the ways in which chad bender is superior to the chad bender. maybe once he gets back from france we can get together and hash it out. sounds like a fun project to me. other animal club fan sites i thought about making were,, and as for me, there's already a mike balzer fan site out there. see for yourself:

Sunday, October 23, 2005

this post is about football!

oh yeah. it was a good weekend to be a steelers fan. good old len pasquerleli always tells it like it is, and his article made me smile with pride. for those not in the know, the bengals have been talked up all year as an up and coming team, young and talented, the new team to beat in the AFC north, yada yada yada. and sunday, the steelers waltzed into cincinnati and smacked them around for a few hours. steelers linebacker joey porter had the quote of the week when he said, "we restored some order, today." god, i love smack talk. i wish i could talk like that and back it up at something.

over at, don banks was selling a different story, that of the bengals missing an opportunity. i suppose it's going to be one or the other as the week goes on- either the bengals dropped the ball, or the steelers pounded them into the ground. as a steeler fan, i prefer the latter, of course. and frankly, if either big ben or hines ward had played last week, we would have beaten the snuff out of the jaguars, too and the discussion this week would be more along the lines of, "who's better, pittsburgh or indianapolis?" (a question i can't answer yet. we'll see in november.)

so, yeah. football was great this weekend. woo hoo.

funny bone press round up

if yr in pittsburgh, you may notice we've blanketed the city, press-wise.
today, we got a cute little preview blurb in the tribune-review, and the same paper is going to soon be running an article on class clowns, featuring an in-depth interview with the shane portman we all wish we knew better- the academic cut-up who once successfully convinced his teacher that there was a little great wall of china built underneath the current, larger one. as soon as that's released, we'll let you know.

also, props to our opening act for the funny bone show, the illustrious gab bonesso for name-checking us in a recent interview with whirl magazine. i haven't seen it personally, but there's supposed AC penetration into this glossy. pick one up if yr near a newsstand that carries it (ie: in pittsburgh). woot?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

1.21 jiggawatts!

i was never what you would call a "fan" of Aeon Flux, but i was what you could call a "horny teenage boy" which means i did see an episode or two.

if you're too young to remember Aeon Flux, i guess i can understand. it was a rather short-lived animé-ish component on mtv's equally short-lived animation showcase, liquid TV. it starred a very hot, mostly naked lady as an assassin of some sort. she would run around and flaunt her feminine wiles, and kill people. i guess it was only a matter of time before it got adapted to the big screen, and come december, the wait (?) is over.

although the live-action version does mantain the mostly-naked aspect of the main character, and she is played by charlize theron, i can't decide if i'm horny enough to plop down ten bucks on it. watch the trailer, and help me decide.

sex sells...antifreeze?

as i continute to fight bravely against the non-bird flu, i am watching four times the television i normally do. right now i'm enjoying "dogfight!" on the history channel, which is exactly what it sounds like it is.

during a break, i saw an ad featuring open-wheel racing sex pot danica patrick (who bears a slight resemblance to mike tornetta's sister emily, and what must be the sexiest jug of anti-freeze of all time.

the commercial does not exist online, so i'll describe it for you. it was kind of like a model shoot, where danica was being hot, and it was also like dirty-talk during sex, where danica kept dropping these little maxims about her being something, be it hot, or fast, or anti-freeze, or whatever. then she said something about "this anti-freeze is better than sex", and then had sex with the jug of anti-freeze.

i immediately went to the PEAK anti-freeze website and ordered seventeen jugs. that may sound excessive, but i haven't purchased anti-freeze since i purchased my saturn in 1999. does anti-freeze last six years? what if danica patrick had sex with it?

flu confusion

i just lifted up my right arm, and one single, solitary sequin plopped off onto my laptop.

no, i'm not wearing anything with sequins on it. this was a phantom sequin. i didn't believe sequins existed singluarly until this very moment.

seriously. fuck sequins.

flu revelation

it's 4:11 AM, and for the first time in my life, i'm totally, almost violently unimpressed with white bread. i may never eat it again. white bread (specifically the butternut white i just wolfed down, smothered in creamy jiff) has the consistancy of a synthetic clothing material. it reforms accroding to it's packaging. it's a mold nursery as little as four days after purchase. white bread, is gross. seriously. fuck white bread.

leonard, i mean emusic, part 6

OH YES. the new animal collective album dropped this week, and it's currently living it up in my recently repaired iPod. of course, it's good. here's what i picked up:

animal collective: feels- sung tongs was one of those albums that changed the way i thought about music. feels isn't so revolutionary, but it is still a nice evolution of the other AC's sound- more electric, definately more refined, and it's nice to hear the other two animals mixing it in, too.

vince gurialdi trio: skating/christmas time is here- these tracks from the merry christmas charlie brown album are must-haves for ironic siutaional dj'ing.

rancid: out come the wolves- my copy of this album was stolen in france in 1999. i haven't missed it at all, but the empty jewel case has been, like, mocking me.

woody allen: woody allen on comedy- this is another reason i love emusic- totally random shit like this. it's basically an interview with woody circa 19??, and it's a great document of woody allen at his most self-referential and introspective.

take six w/ ray charles: my friend- alright, i grabbed this one from iTunes, but it's a classic gospel track done accapella, with ray charles singing lead and take 6 backing him up. if that's not worth $.99, i don't want to hear how many minutes of long distance is.

the microphones: mount eerie- it's just not right that i didn't have this. one more grotesque wrong righted.

all this and i still have 20 songs coming. i can't say this enough- this is the best deal in e-commerce.

Friday, October 21, 2005


well, aside from a double post which i think was my fault, the new dashboard-powered blog seems to be running fine.

i thought it rather rude of me to post about testing and not mention anything else, so i though you should know that i have the flu! woo-hoo! and just in time, too. it's, like, julia roberts week on tnt, and today i got to watch an episode of law and order where she played a crazy lady, followed by erin brockovich the movie, where she plays a crazy-nice lady, interrupted only by periodic plugs for pretty woman, which they'll be playing three seperate times.

hooray for the flu!

edit!- after erin brockovich, my personal favorite JR movie, the pelican breif came on. the pelican brief is actually the butt of a series of animal club sketches, including one which shares a premise with the internet-hit shinging (we were going to recut the pelican brief into three different trailers- one action, one slapstic, one something else. i guess we can't do that now...), the other was a series of marketing tie-ins for pelican brief themed merchandise, fast food promos, etc. i've never actually seen the pelican brief, mostly because i hate nature movies.


hey everyone. i'm testing out this API widget called "dashblog" (available on the apple widget site). just wanting to see if/how well this thing handles posts....

maybe i'll throw some basic html at it, like this, and see what happens.

in case you can't tell, i just upgraded all my macs to tiger, and am kind of jazzed about it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

kingdom of loathing

this little post on elephant larry's blog sparked a long lost, but totally treasured memory. that of the kingdom of loathing, the world's greatest online rpg. in it, you take your character, be he a burly Seal Clubber or mischievous Accordion Thief, through the Kingdom, completing tasks and collecting items.

if you click on only one link this year, make it this one. An adventurer is you!

by the power of zoloft

someone, i'm not saying who, has misplaced his bottle of zoloft, and with the bottle, they seem to have reclaimed their superior procrastination skills. alright, i confess, it's me. i lost my zoloft, and i haven't gotten the prescription refilled yet. so, i've been on the lookout for zoloft rebound effects, and today brought the first one.

i've rediscovered my ability to cry when listening to songs that are not at all sad. on my commute to work this morning, the following songs made me cry (tears, sounds, sadness, the whole nine yards). just so you can see how silly it is for these songs to make me cry, i've included the lyrics

"decatur" by sufjan stevens
"neighborhoods #1 (tunnels)" by arcade fire
"nights wave" by mice parade

cry, cry, cry. i cried as i sang along, and tears streamed down my face at red lights. people in camrys could see me crying and what appeared to me talking to myself. cry.

i've actually missed this aspect of my depression. it was pretty awesome when i'd be driving and "under pressure" came on and i'd start balling. here's some other songs that made me cry:

"better days" strung out
"radio king" golden smog
"i'm a cukoo" belle and sebastian
"have a cuppa tea" the kinks
"who could win a rabbit" the animal collective

ahh, depression.

greatest podcast ever.

i stumbled across it, and now i'm totally, completely, unabashedly addicted:

open source sex [iTunes link to an episode that contains a lesbonic retelling of hansel and gretel. not safe for work, unless you have headphones. LIKE ME!]

why do i love this podcast so much? because i've been listening to a sex educator read erotica while i write out microsoft access queries at work today. all day. sometimes, i just LOVE the internet.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

hurricane Ω

temporarily removed by the author

watch out dilbert

as i've said numerous times, i live the american dream everyday, by working in an office. today, this was written on the office supply request list:

item: staple remover
quantity: 1
note: i've got one, but maybe someone else needs one?

this was infinitely funnier than the actual dilbert cartoon taped to the cabinet just above the request sheet. also on the request sheet were these gems, contributed by yours truly:

item: bulldozer
quantity: 1
note: none

item: gladiator arena
quantity: 1
note: none

item: hungry lions
quantity: 3-4
note: for gladiator arena


it's late notice, but a sketch-related bit of awesomeness is happening tonight at the hopleaf 51oo block n. clark (uptown/andersonville). come see white noise radio theatre alumn and funniest woman in america beth lisick read from her latest novel, "everybody into the pool" at 7:30. free! be! there!

also, i really hope she has t-shirts of her logo. isn't that logo awesome?!


sometime last week, shane and i sat down and started watching wrestling on purpose. it was whatever they call the wwf nowadays. it was a good matchup on paper- "the nature boy" rick flair vs. some puerto rican guy who thought things were either "cool" or "not cool". we'll call him coolio.

the match was rick flair's defense of the intercontinental championship. my first point of contention with wwf is: what's the difference between "world champion" and "intercontinental champion"? isn't the world title, by definition, an intercontinental title? and conversely, isn't an intercontinental title by definition the world title?

my second point of contention is as follows. coolio is 27 or so, with ravishingly good ethnic looks, and long, flowing curly black hair. rick flair, on the other hand, must be 70 by now, and is, for lack of a better phrase, disgustingly flabby. he's past the point where steroids can help. the picture to the right is the most flattering current shot wwe has, as it's the only action shot of the nature boy on their website. anyway, if this is what a lifetime in wrestling will bring you, count me out.

anyway, they wrestled for a while and then they got to the slapping part. this is where the wrestlers took turns backhanding the other across their chests. slap! ooh, one for the nature boy! slap! ooh, one for coolio. slap! ooh, two for the nature boy! slap! ooh, two for coolio! this continued ad nauseam for about six minutes.

i'm going to interrupt the chronological nature of this post to report that coolio's actual name is carlito, and if his bio is any indication, his power is eating organic food. see?

i think coolio is a better name, so i'll keep calling him that. apples? do you care to comment? no? good.

back to the match. after ric and coolio slapped eachother's chests for six minutes, ric flair won by putting coolio in his signature "figure four" leg lock, which isn't really that painful. here's the kicker: ric flair cheated by shaking the bottom rope. apparently this makes the leg lock hurt more, or at all as it were, and coolio had to submit, less he risk his fruitful (pun!) wrestling career to irreversible figure four leg damage.

later, in the back room, flair was chatting with the new mean jean okerland, when coolio came out and said "that was NOT cool! that was NOT cool, man!", and then someone else came out and slapped rick flair in the chest. ric flair went out like a light, nevermind that he and coolio slapped eachother across the chest for six minutes barely six minutes ago. maybe chest slappping has a cumulative neurological effect? maybe it depresses the autonomic nervous system if it's aggresively and repeatedly administered? i don't know. anyway, ric flair is old and coolio eats organic fruit. and yes, i'm hoping rick flair reads this and in an upcoming episode of RAW or SMACKDOWN or whatever they call it, he'll attack me. that'd be great.

sports injurated

frequent visitors to the sports illustrated website know they drop these "photo galleries" from time to time- some meaningless list made slightly less meaningless by adding those legendary sports illustrated photos to them, in large format, bright colors and so on and so forth.

anyway, this week's gallery is a bit on the macabre side of the ball: sports illustrated presents out for the season, a collection of season ending an/or career threatening injuries to celebrated footballers.

related: did you know airports don't carry sports illustrated? they have espn the magazine, which is by all accounts the tallest and widest magazine ever made, which makes it completely unusable on your average southwest airlines flight.


I've found a gap in this "Internet Free Zone"! So, here I sit. I have not much to say except that it's great to be here in Pittsburgh. The rivers (all three) are as I remember them-light brown with sprinklings of garbage-and the city itself remains lovely. All seems the same-EXCEPT FOR OUR SCHOOL, POINT PARK UNIVERSITY-which has undergone serious renovations that both confuse and astound us! There's carpeting were there wasn't carpeting! Windows where there were no windows! Stairs where there were no stairs that lead to places that never were!

Perhaps most curious is the fact that the standing urinals in the men's bathrooms now have treaded mats for you to place your feet on!

Gone are the days of slipping and peeing on yourself and those around you, but gone with those days are the carefree memories of laughter and the sense of the unknown living in every trip to the men's bathroom. Would you slip and fall and pee on yourself today? Would someone else be there, too? Would they slip and fall? Would you pee on them? Would they pee on you? Would they be your friend or just some weird old man peeing on college students?

Looking back, I suppose it's good that things change.

Monday, October 17, 2005

guess who's back?

yeah, me. i left the rest of the animal club in pittsburgh to tend to matters fiscal and artistic here in chicago. among those matters is this blog, and the other blog i contribute to. i know what you're thinking...doesn't pittsburgh have the internet? actually, no. pittsburgh is a federally designated "information free zone", where the internet doesn't exist. apparently you can't determine the internet's intellectual and cultural effect without a control, so one brave city had to volunteer to be internet free to see just how far behind it can get. if there's one thing pittsburghers are famous for, it's our inability to back down from a dare. the fed knew this, so the legislation was phrased like so:

"i bet you fags can't go ten years without the internet."

and we were unable to de-acquiesce. besides, who needs the internet when you have three rivers?

could this be?

yes it is. i've discovered the worst song ever recorded. ladies and gentlemen with iTunes, click if you dare.

by the way, i discovered this song by listening to my library on random, which means i own it. i don't know how or why exactly, but i do own this song

Thursday, October 13, 2005

while the club's away...

the baz will play. the animal club is on it's way to pittsburgh, where we'll be doing a couple of shows and a master class for the theatre and journalism students at point park university. i'll be returning to chicago sunday night, specifically to blog for you. that's how dedicated i am.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

quick math

i just did some adding, and this woman has birthed more children than i've bought playstation 2 games. but i love my video games more than she loves her kids.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Arrested Development In Your Own Home

Arrested Development Season 2 dropped on DVD today and I was fortunate enough to grab the last copy from Best Buy's shelves and walking out of the store it was as if I had attached a string to my soul and it just carried me all the way home. What a great world we live in, where not even a full year after the season has ended we can own and watch any episode we so desire. Sadly, it wasn't always like that. There was a time not too long ago where a child born after Maude had ended could only smile and imagine how wonderful it must have been.

In fact, looking back into my own personal past, I remember the year of Seinfeld's last season. A panic spread over me like nothing I'd ever felt before. I had always assumed Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George would be with me forever. And when that evil label of "Final Season" was branded on Seinfeld I realized there may be a day in my life where I'm fired from my job or have a fever or a broken leg and Seinfeld wouldn't be there for me. I began taping furiously every Thursday. I'd even tape the daily repeats at 7 pm and sometimes I'd be lucky enough to find a staticky channel that played an episode at 7:30 pm and I'd tape that. Yes, that's right, Seinfeld had already been syndicated at that time, signaling that it would be played on and on even after the series finished taping. But, even the promise of syndicated reruns wasn't enough to fill the void. To think that there would be no more, it was just too much for a guy to handle. And add onto that the fact that I was about to graduate from high school. Seinfeld wouldn't even be there to see me through the first year of college. Here it had raised me up all through high school and now, as I prepared to enter the next big step of my life, it was ditching me. I felt like an orphan at the edge of the world, abandoned and forgotten. The only reminder of my life being a series of five VHS tapes-staticky reminders of the joy that had once been.

BUT NO MORE!! No child will be denied the happiness only frequent viewings of Maude could provide just because nature wouldn't let them out of the womb until after the series finished airing. In fact, no child will be denied Gidget, Major Dad, or The New Kids On The Block cartoon series. So, you can see DVD sets are a curse as well as a blessing.

Greatest Whats?

Seriously, what's with all these ridiculous Greatest Hits releases (see Hillary Duff post)? I just heard Hanson is releasing one. Look for Hanson's "20 Versions of MMMMbop" at a record store near you.

Here's a lyrical sample of the genius behind Hanson:

You have so many relationships in this life,
But only one or two will last.
You go through all the pain and strife,
Then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.

Oh yeah. they’re gone so fast.

Oh, so hold on to the ones who really care,
In the end they’ll be the only ones there.
When you get old and start losing your hair,
Can you tell me who will still care?
Can you tell me who will still care? oh care.


Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do. oh yeah,
Mmmbop ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do bop,
Ba duba dop ba do

Oh yeah, in an mmmbop they’re gone. yeah.

Plant a seed, plant a flower,
Plant a rose, you can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows.
It’s a secret no one knows.
It’s a secret no one knows.
Oh, no one knows.

(repeat chorus twice....)

Mount Ever-So-Smaller

Holy yardsticks! We've been wrong all along! Mount Everest is actually shorter than we thought-12 feet shorter!! Wha? Why? And How? Is anyone safe? Who's to say? I know I won't be sleeping any time soon. Not until we've remeasured everything. And let's start with Manute Bol.

Monday, October 10, 2005

vote for pedro

i'm sure this has been blogged out the wazoo (now an official euphemism for "already covered"), but efren ramirez, better known as pedro from napoleon dynamite, has formed the "vote for pedro" tour, where he travels around, does a little dj'ing, and basically just hosts a party whereby you can go and hang out with him.

truth be told, if this was coming to chicago, i'd probably check it out. that's why i'm not finding out if it is coming to chicago, because there are a lot of things i should probably do instead of this. still, it's an enterprising move by mr. ramirez, and i applaud his ingenuity. who knows? it might actually be cooler than the movie!

the other reason i'm not out-and-out making fun of this is that maybe he's a really good dj. actors are just regular people with regular skills, and sometimes we forget that. when an actor tries to do something besides acting, everyone's like, "fucking actors", and i don't think that's fair. have any of you had the orgasmic experience that is trying on a pair of daniel day lewis' handmade shoes? i rest my case.

with any luck, this trend will catch on with other film characters, and we can expect the following awesomeness in the coming months:

Concertmaster and Commander, 1st Lt. Cmdr. Tom Pullings guest conducts your city's pops orchestra.
Zoltan's Night of Enlightenment, rave currated by Zoltar, the cult leader character from Dude, Where's my Car?, as played by Hal Sparks.
Romy and Michelle's High School After Party, play spin the bottle and smoke pot with Mira Sorvino (Lisa Kudrow was unavailable)
Kathy Griffin wants to Hang Out, no real event, Kathy Griffin's in town and wants to know if you want to get coffee or something.

sad attachment

i mentioned earlier that i listen to at work, and i have a sad confession to make.

i keep hoping, sometimes secretly, sometimes out loud, that station manager shelby lapre would run his pledge announcement again. when i started listening to radiopower, the plea for pledges would come on like clockwork every commercial break. it was a slightly rambling, slightly stutterting request for donations with matching funds dollar-for-dollar from an anonymous listener. there was something sweet and lispy about his voice, and i miss the way he said "bandwidth is NOT cheap". so shelby, if you're listening, please, please, please run that pledge drive clip a couple more times. I NEED IT!

how many of you know a murderer?

i do. it's an old story, dating back to 2002, but for some reason i thought i'd google jared lischner, nephew of the lesbian couple who lived next door to me growing up, and see how his sentencing went.

jared and i were friends for a couple of summers, when he would visit peg and val, who eventually went nutty, and started harassing my family (another story all together). we would do kid things, like go to the zoo, trade star wars figures, have sleepovers. you know, kids stuff.

i didn't speak with him for at least fifteen years, but then some kid from duquense university went missing, and they found his body in the river, and yada yada yada I USED TO HAVE SLEEP OVERS WITH A MURDERER!

the fact that he was convicted of second degree murder doesn't make it any easier for me. we still had first degree sleep overs. it doesn't matter that he added about 200 lbs to his 60lb nine-year old frame. i still traded him an emperor for a palpoo ewok and felt good about it.

truth be told, when he was first indicated in the murder i got nauseous. physically sick. can you blame me? now that some time has gone by, it's shaping up to sound like something i should submit to "this american life". among the things i never thought i'd do, i can now add "know someone who murdered someone else" to the list the previously only included such innocent items as "picked blackberries off a bush in front of one of the windmills van gogh painted" and "owned a dachshund".

note: the pic on the right is not jared lischner, but rather some attractive girl who visited alcatraz


typos in search engines can be gun!

summary: We’re sorry. We did not find any matches for "apple in ear earbugs"

tiger woods hootie-stache update

Tiger Woods continued growing his goatee, inspired by Hootie and the Blowfish frontman Darius Rucker. Three weeks into growth, Woods has realized complete center-chin coverage, and expects mustache-to-soul-patch unity within the month. The new whiskers recently graced the cover of Modern Moustache magazine, and another facial hair periodical, Beard, is planning a spread dedicated to Tiger's new look. Asked why he was growing the facial hair, Woods said, "I've always wanted two things: win a dozen major championships, and grow a cool goatee. Now I can die knowing that I lived my life to the fullest." With that, he pulled a revolver from his golf bag, and fatally shot himself. Reports from the scene varied, but at least one journalist was heard saying, "Hmm. Makes sense."

sneak peak

a new video sketch is in the can. i hope this screen grab doesn't give too much away. sorry i forgot to de-interlace it.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

a most peculiar mash up

i've picked up this strange hobby the past few weeks. i've been playing a lot of video games, mainly because i'm depressed and like to be by myself in my room. specifically, i've been playing the only football game i have, which just so happens to be Madden 2002. i've also been listening to a lot of mice parade, which is very progressive, experimental ambient pop music.

i'm really deep into madden, where i've created a player with my name and my extact physical gifts (6'4", 240lbs, stunning good looks, 99's in accuracy, arm strength, awareness, and toughness, life-threatening heart condition), and signed him to a 5 year contract on the pittsburgh steelers.

i've taken balzer's steelers through two seasons in franchise mode, and have been to the super bowl twice, winning it once. i've won the mvp both years, and have become embarrassingly obsessed with off-season moves (signing free agents, dealing away players like jerome bettis).

mice parade explores musical themes and concepts that i didn't think i could enjoy at first- lots of focus on patterns and repitition, loops and noise, really bizarre takes on pop music.

the point of this post is that i indulge in these passions simultaneously. i obsess over a four year old football game, taking notes on the progression of my rookie defensive lineman (lake martin), worrying about wether starting him in a 3-4 is beneficial to his development, while i listen to mice parade. i'm fairly sure i am the only person on earth to have ever done this.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

this website is slow as molasses, but fun as all get-up. here's a bonus:

i was looking up the lyrics to Sufjan Stevens' "Come on Feel the Illinoise! pt 1...", and noticed two things:

1) i was right- they ARE saying "are you writing from the heart"
2) google adwords are funny. see what i mean?:

i bought six.

Oh yeah, where was I then?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Magician.

Where You Lived: China.

How You Died: Natural causes.

i thought there'd be more to it than there was. you know, "what's your favorite color?", "what's your mom's job?". Nope. Just one question ("what's your occupation?") and a "click here to see what you were." who know a job said so much about you?

Where'd You Go?

This is pretty ridiculous and pretty funny. It's a past life generator.
Apparently, I was a genius belly dancer from Iran and was decapitated. Wow. What I'd do to go back again!

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Hospital

Sometimes I think health insurance is the funniest thing around. I'll just laugh and laugh. Then, I'll have, say, a compacted wisdom tooth that spills infection into my throat and leaves me bed-ridden and switching back and forth from ridiculous fever to ridiculous shivers. Also, I'll be unable to talk or eat and swallowing fluids in general hurts like hell. On those days, I don't laugh so much. There's more sobbing, I'd say, as I contemplate digging into my gums and removing the tooth on my own with a butter knife and pliers. No anesthesia save natural pain-induced shock and no way to close the wound save skotch tape. But yeah, isn't it funny that we don't all have health insurance? What a funny nation we live in!!!

Some nations (Like the United Kingdom) whose sense of humor isn't as developed as ours and for some reason provide Healthcare for EVERY CITIZEN of their nation. What's the deal with that?

Mr. Piazza

"Mike Piazza always looks to me like an actor portraying Mike Piazza."

Quote from the Chicago Tribune's Redeye paper in regard to Piazza's color commentary of Game 2 of the White/Red Sox series for ESPN.

This One Goes Out To Boston

So, Massachusetts, being the first state to legalize gay marriage, is now fighting a state law that prohibits out of state couples from legally marrying in Massachusetts. I'm sure the law made sense way back when it was made in 1913. And after that big scare from the year
before (You remember, the Marry-Out-Of-State-And-Murder-And-Rob-Or-Convert-Residents-Of-That-State-To-Satanism-For-Your-Honeymoon Tragedy of 1912?), one wonders why more states didn't adopt a similar law.

But, now that murdering, robbing, and satanic conversion of out-of-state residents for honeymoons has long since become passe, these dangers no longer pose a threat. So, I say scrap the law. It's out-of-date and if other states continue to bar basic civil rights from groups of people, then there should be a Mecca in the middle of all this hypocrisy where two people-no matter where they're from, their sexuality, or any other petty differences that mean absolutely nothing when you love someone-can get married regardless of anything.

Great Ideas Deserve Cash

And just when you think, how can I get a large check-Let's win $100,000 shall we? The Service Employees International Union is looking for ideas on how to help the economy grow, encourage existing companies to expand, and create well-paying jobs. The company believes that our country needs to strengthen its economy and compete better in the big world. The winning idea will be worth $100,000 and two runners-up will get $50,000 a piece. And, best of all SEIU president, Andrew Stern said this is geared towards ordinary Americans. "In Washington DC, we are still living in the last century in an industrial revolution. India and China are in overdrive and America is in neutral." A panel of twelve judges will look over each outline of seventy-five words or less and decide. Hurry, though. The deadline isn't until December 5th, but thinking takes time. This isn't something to cram for.

I ask only one thing. Be honest. If you win and you learned of the contest from this post, it's only fair that I should receive a cut of the prize money. I'm not saying all. $3,000 will do. Thanks.

Based On A True Story

Did you hear this? Jacquelyn Sherman, a hurricane Katrina survivor from Opelousas, LA put $20 into a slot machine at Evangeline Downs Racetrack and Casino and became an instant millionaire! Can you believe it? Hurray for Jacquelyn! Hurray for casinos! And hurray for America! It's too good to be true, and yet, IT IS TRUE- just like Seabiscuit. And, in Seabiscuit fashion, the movie could write itself, with the title easily being plucked straight out of the story:

Coming This Summer...

Jacquelyn Sherman From Opelousas Louisiana Who Put $20 Into A Slot Machine At Evangeline Downs Racetrack And Casino And Became a Millionaire

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Austin Film Festival Update

OK. Our short will be screened twice during the Austin Film Festival, both as part of The Second City Shorts program. Show times are Saturday October 22 at 10:45, and Tuesday October 25 at 7:00. Due to the Point Park and Funny Bone shows in Pittsburgh, none of us will be attending, but don't let that stop you. Feel free to let not living in Texas stop you, though.

NACA approved

The Animal Club has just joined the National Association for Campus Activities (NACA), an organization that connects college and university activity departments with performers and speakers from all across the country. We'll be appearing at the 2006 NACA National Convention in Boston in February, where we'll be booking national and regional dates for the Spring, Summer, and Fall '06 seasons.

For press kits, demos, or any other information in advance of the convention, email us at

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Through The Brain Of A Child

Today, I overheard a child say this while playing with GI Joes:

"Prepare to died!"

Celebrity News Roundup

What a day to be a celebrity! So many news, so little time...

TomKat to World: We're Preggers!
Tom Cruise is with Katie Holmes and Katie Holmes is with...CHILD! The couple is "excited", and plans to name their baby G'namthar, in honor of the leader of Tom Cruise's home planet, Mblqu. Holmes is forbidden from using western medicine while delivering the baby, so everyone is asked to use their "mind powers" to ward off any preeclampsyia that might develop. Tom Cruise is crazy!

Nipsy Russell Nips the Big One!
Beloved entertainer Nipsy Russell "eased on down" the "highway to heaven" where he "bought the farm" and by that I mean "died"!

Look out Loretta! Lindsay Lohan! SMASH! SMASH!
Trying to flee from an enterprising photographer, everybody's second-favorite Lohan (behind the character from Big Trouble in Little China- of was his name Lopan?) SMASHED her car into another car, creating a CAR CRASH! She was HURT in the incident and got TREATMENT at a local hospital. The driver of the other car was taken to the hospital as well, where he was treated for being STAR STRUCK! LITERALLY!

Till Death Do Us Part...NOT!
Blondes may have more fun, but sure seem to get divorced just as much. The Rumor Mill puts Jessica Simpson smack dab in the middle of Singlesville, USA, population: everyone! Simpson denied this, but she denies everything!

Fuck you, Indiana.

Seriously. More specifically, Fuck You State Senator Patricia Miller. Fuck you and your bullshit Republican nonsense.

Indiana Republicans want to outlaw assisted pregancies for lesbians and single women

PDF of draft version of bill


Let Them Ho's Fight

It starts at Midnight on Saturday in the Del Close Theatre at IO, and will likely fun forever. Aside from having the greatest name in comedy and the greatest suggestion premise ever ("Could we please have a suggestion of something hoes would fight about?"), they've got some of the funniest youngsters in the Chicago improv scene, including old Animal Club friends Andy Sloee and Mort Burke. This show is all improvised, and features a 30 minute intro video, shot by yours truly. They're not up on the schedule yet, but sometime soon they will be, so eventually check this link for info.


Paraphrased, but True

This is a parascript of a commercial that runs frequently on radio power, the progressive talk station i listen to at work. I hear this commercial four to six times a day.

ORECK GUY: I'm Old Man, owner and inventer of the Oreck vacuum. Recently, I was on a Caribbean cruise and I was introduced to the head of housekeeping. I asked him to take the Oreck Challenge. So he got his biggest, awesomest vacuum and vacuumed thoroughly, AND I MEAN THOROUGHLY. Then i took out my Oreck skinny small vacuum and then I vacuumed thoroughly, and I MEAN THOROUGHLY. I took out the thing that catches the dirt, and it was filthy. So i wrung it out and all the dirt fell on the floor. The head of housekeeping said "Hey! What are you doing?", and I said, "That's your dirt, not mine". Please buy my product, etc etc etc.

Let's take a look at what makes this ad funny.

1) A crew member on the ship recognized Old Man as the specific old man who shills for vacuum cleaners.
2) Possibly the same crew member thought, "Hey! We should probably get Jim, the head of housekeeping and this guy together! That would productive? a dream come true?"
3) The Oreck guy brings his vacuum cleaner with him on cruises.
4) The vacuum fight they had. That had to have been fun to watch.
5) If salesmanship was refereed, the Oreck guy would have gotten a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for taunting. At the very least, it had to have cost him a sale. Would you buy a vacuum off someone who deliberately and cockily threw dirt all over your floor and then blamed it on you?
6) The Oreck Guy is somehow still alive. He's like a hundred years old.

I guess that's it. I'll hear the commercial between 2 and four more times today, so if anything else strikes me, you'll be the first to know.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

So, I caught one of those little CNN banners today while the President was mumbling something ignorant. It read simply:
The FDA bans cow brains and spinal chords from all forms of feed-not just cattle.

I suppose one side of me wanted to be happy that the FDA made such a landmark decision. The other side (the larger side) wondered WHY THE HELL WERE WE FEEDING ANIMALS GROUND UP COW BRAINS AND SPINAL CHORDS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!!

Did it really, at one time, seem like a good solution? "Ah shit, we're all outta feed. Whatta we gonna do," Farmer Jed must have said. To which Farmer Jackassabilly Dickwad had to have replied, "Get a spoon. We can pull out Bessie's brains and grind up her spinal chord, too! WHOOPEEE!"

Let's think of all the farm animals we can, shall we?

That's enough for now. Out of all those, how many do you think naturally feast on cow brains and spinal chords?
Pigs might, but pigs eat anything. But, seriously, are we running out of SEEDS?!! Is there no more HAY?!! Are we really that stupid?

A New Judicial Nominee For America!!

President Bush has decided on his second nomination for Supreme Court, surprising many who doubted he'd choose a woman.

And it looks to be Harriet Miers, a 60 year-old former Dallas City Council member and Chairman of the Texas Lottery Commission. Most recently, she served as a White House aid to Mr. Bush. (How convenient!) If you look closely at that resume, you'll notice the lack of judicial experience. Although she holds a law degree from Southern Methodist University, she has never actually donned the black robe. And, strange as this may seem, it is not uncommon. In fact, 10 of the 34 appointees since 1933 came from outside the judicial system. The late Chief Justice Rehnquist being one of them. I suppose you've got to consider more than experience when selecting a Supreme Court Justice. In fact, here's some of the applicants that President Bush considered before settling on Miers:

Skip Bradford
Bagger/Stock Boy-Dominics Grocery Store

Qualities-Honest, Agile, and Once bagged milk, eggs, charcoal, and a bag
of flour in one bag without an egg breaking.

Judicial Experience-Followed the OJ Simpson trial almost religiously every night until bedtime (8 pm. He was only 7).

Limitations-Has a lot of homework to do at night.

Jimmy and Gary Carter
Siamese Twins, Lawyer/Lawyer-Johnson, Johnson & Bismark

Qualities-No pun intended, but two heads are better than one (That's a

Judicial Experience-Have met many judges and even admire one of them.

Limitations-Unclear policy whether they would count as one or two
justices. If counted as one, would the other have to close his eyes, cover
his mouth, and plug his ears?

Bette Davis
Qualities-Where to begin? Oscars? Emmys? Golden Globes? Plain ol' pinache?

Judicial Experience-Plenty of movies dealing with judges and prisons and the like.

Limitations-Mommie Dearest shows a brutally dark side of her that may not
fit with the current (or any of the past) Supreme Court. Also, she's dead.

yes, virginia, there IS crying in baseball

Thirteen. Good ole, unlucky thirteen. That's losing seasons in a row, now. Half my age, to be exact. The salad years of my life. Things used to be a boy from Greenfield (or Squirrel Hill, if you went by zip codes) would waste away his Indian Summer days with his knock-off Walkman, hanging on every trite phrase Lanny Frattare jammed into his microphone, picturing the lush green astroturf, the sun casting a gangly, angular shadow through the concrete mesh of Three Rivers Stadium, the stark clash of the School Bus Yellow Mezzanine seats and the Not-Quite-Burnt-Ochre of General Admission. Picturing his heroes playing small ball- a Jay Bell bunt here, a José Lind bouncer there, 3-6-3 double play. That's alright boys. We'll get 'em next time. The Bucco Express always runs on the fives, and who knows? With The Killer B's coming up, damn near anything is possible.

Yes sir, those were the good times. I remember where I was when Francisco Cabrera singled in Sid Bream to take the pennant in '92. I had a little 5" black and white television that hooked up to an audio cassette recorder. I'd used it mainly to record funny sketches from Saturday Night Live, studying them so as to wow the grown ups with my impression of Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush. That night, I tried to watch the game with my family, but it seemed that was bad luck. So I went downstairs, into our finished basement to watch on the 27" color console. The damn Braves kept chipping away. So up to my attic bedroom I went, rally cap on (although we were ahead), took the pennants off my wall (this one never failed me), and sat and watched Stan Belinda put men in scoring position, or as we came to know it, heartbreak station.

I got an old Hall and Oates tape out of my cassette rack. "Won't be needing this anymore", I said, a hint of bitter resentment in my voice, almost as if to say it was John Oates' fault. I carefully applied two strips of scotch tape over the copy protection tabs and popped it in. I pressed record as Francisco Cabrera came up to bat.

The play-by-play man was from the national broadcast. I wanted so bad to hear Lanny's nasal, yet comforting wail. I still think that if he was calling the game, Orlando Merced's near-homer would have found an extra inch of altitude. There's something about a voice on the TV that wants your team to win. That's the tenth man. Mr. NBC was talking about where Barry Bonds was going to play next year. Next year? NEXT YEAR!? Whaddaya mean next year? The Pirates aren't on his list? Say it ain't so, Barry! Say it ain't so!

The at-bat was likely much shorter than I remember it. In my head, it was one of those classic 15-pitch battles, where the hurler somehow found the power of a windup though pitching from the stretch, and the batter took desperate stabs at perfectly placed sliders, just enough to get a glancing blow, just enough to get one more shot. But really it was just Stan Belinda and Francisco Cabrerra. They'd both be out of baseball before I was out of high school. Either way, I couldn't watch. I pressed and held record and play down (yes, the buttons were spring-loaded in those days), and went into my parent's bathroom across the hall, just far enough away that all the commentary became a muffled murmur, and all I could make out was the surging sound of the Fulton County Stadium crowd.

I don't remember hearing the crack of the bat. I don't remember hearing the Braves fans cheering. I don't remember the announcer's jubilant call of one of the great moments in playoff history. All I remember is somehow knowing that we lost.

"It's so, kid", Barry seemed to say as he signed the contract that killed baseball in Pittsburgh. He always was my favorite. "I bought a new boat", said Bobby Bo, "I named it Met for Life". The knife turned. "I'll stick around, if only to show you all that I never was half the player Barry Bonds was, and not one one-hundreth the player he's going to be. But hey! At least I'm white!" You always could count on Andy Van Slyke.

I lost touch with baseball over the years, but I'm not the only one. Maybe this is the crew that'll really turn it around. Maybe this is the batch of pitchers we've heard about since '96. Maybe Jason Bay is the real deal. Maybe. You know what they say. That's alright, boys. We'll get 'em next time. The Bucco Express always runs on the fives, and who knows? With Jason Bay, Rob Mackowiak and Craig Wilson coming up, damn near anything is possible.

This memoir was inspired by this statistic:
Combined Pirates Records in Ten-Year Stretches
1966-1975: 154 games over .500
1976-1985: 50 games over .500
1986-1995: 5 games over .500
1996-2005: 195 games under .500
via the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

AIM Fight!

I've decided to give instant messaging another shot. it's the only internet technology i haven't adopted and loved. in fact i hate it. how much?

my AIM name is: balzerhatesyou

i'm thinking about picking it up again. why? i have absolutely no idea. but i don't go for that AOL bloatware shit. what's the hip, trim, OS X- compatible messenger of choice nowadays? skype? is that what i should use? skype? is iChat cool enough or no?

that AIM once again is: balzerhatesyou

i'll likely never sign on again. (sound of door closing, witty away message pops up: "Fuck off, loser. I really do hate you.")

EDIT: yeah, i'm still awake. 36 hours? more? i don't know. anyway, you wouldn't believe the fits the words "messenger" and "message" gave me during the writing of this post. i couldn't for the life of me figure out why there's an "N" in the action-noun-ish version, but none in the simple-nounish version. also, i forgot what certain core articles of speech are, and bear in mind i am at work. right now. being paid to do something that quite likely requires that skill.

maybe definitely

it's maybe (definitely) because i forgot entirely to sleep last night, but the notion of a copier struck me as funny a minute ago.

heh, i snorted to myself, someone once said, "i have a thing. it would be good to have two things. i should have two of the thing. if only there was a machine..." that's weird, right?

then i realized that copiers are totally practical, completely un-ironic pieces of technology, about which nothing is amusing. unless you haven't slept in two days, in which case you find everything amusing, but also nauseating and/or painfully bright. like the pic to the right? hilarious. it looks like a robot, saying "good afternoon, randy, would you care for some documents?" get it? because it looks like it's holding it's left arm up, and there's like a tray like waiters....(fade out)

my drive home is 45 minutes long, and four and a half hours away. the odds of me testing my car's durability versus a tree or other car around 5:00 is quite high. i should probably up my insurance to include collision.