Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Best. Spam. Ever.

I just got a spam email from Beowulf Nicley. He tried to sell me some ciallis, then put this at the bottom of the email:

he monster, Thorin knew every passage and every turn. They climbed long
stairs, and turned and went down wide echoing ways, and turned again and
climbed yet more stairs, and yet more stairs again.
These were smooth, cut out of the living rock broad and lair; and up,
up, the dwarves went, and they met no sign of any living thing, only
furtive shadows that fled from the approach of their torches fluttering

That's right. A litterary masterpiece emailed me a section of another litterary masterpiece. Kudos, spammer. I salute you. But if I ever find out who you are, I'm going to kick your ass.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A Short Video To Spark Your Day

Check This Shit Out! Funny Funny Funny! And Crazy And Awful! But Funny!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Mister Cellophane

Scientists are closing in on an invisibility cloak. Can you believe it? Since the first time I saw Willow, I have longed for such a thing. And, as far as I can remember, there was never an invisibility cloak in Willow. Go figure.

The Resilience Of The Human Body

A 41 year old man in Lithuania took a breathalizer test and was clocked in at 18 times the legal alcohol limit. EIGHTEEN TIMES! There was 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol in his blood. 3.5 grams per liter is lethal to just about everyone in the world. Take that, you little seven year old hotshot! So, you may be able to swim from Alcatraz, but you'll have to wait another 34 years before you're able to swallow enough alcohol in one day that the reaper, respectfully and in utter disbelief, spares you.

Friday Morning And I'm Feeling Dizzy

Today, I witnessed a milestone in American healthcare. I heard someone other than Wilford Brimley seriously refer to dya-beat-eez as dya-beat-iss. And what's more, this person was a registered nurse. This, I realize, just raises more questions. Are nurses allowed to mispronounce diseases? Or has Wilford been right all this time? And who names their kid Wilford?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Movie Review

Last night I saw the funniest film of the year. It was this movie called "Baz Tries To Make A Pot Of Hard-Boiled Eggs". It started off a little slow, filling a pot with water, but then it had this Beckettian "Waiting For Boil" moment, where the main character (Baz) left to play PlayStation and forgot about the water. He noticed the smell of singed Teflon, and promptly burnt his fingers on the pot handle. Then he scalded his face with steam when he immediately filled the pot back up with water. Then came the part where Baz tried to put eggs in the new boiling water with his hands. He cracked seven of them, so the eggs were just kinda floating around flotsam/jetsam style with their empty shells laying at the bottom of the pot.

All told, the film ran for 90 minutes and ran alongside "Baz Tries To Do His Laundry". There was a nice joining of the moments when Baz ate the one good egg out of the eight he tried to make while he folded his still-wet laundry, but overall I think the pieces would work better separately.

Rumor is there's a prequel in the works called "Baz Forgets To Eat All Day And Runs Out Of Socks". Hopefully they'll cast someone else in the role of Younger Baz. I'd love to see what Jake Gyllenhaal could go with this material.

Overall Grade = B-minus.

Farewell, eMusic

If you're a regular reader here, you know my feelings on eMusic, namely that it's the greatest deal in the history of e-commerce (pre-fab eBay not withstanding). Unfortunately, the time has come to bid eMusic fare-thee-well. I've overconsumed music to the point where I haven't listened to albums I bought four or five months ago. So I'm taking some time off to get caught up.

It's kinda sad, though. If I hadn't cancelled my account, my downloads would have refreshed today, and I'd be awash in new stuff. I miss it already.


Oh well. If you're into indie, jazz, blues, classical or comedy albums, I still whole-heartedly recommend eMusic. Find your way there and try it out. You won't be disappointed.

On Grooving

I'm totally grooving right now. Can't help it. I'm at work, listening to that old Beck album, Odelay, and i can't seem to contain this sashay. Is it appropriate to let the spirit move you at work? I can't believe that it is, but as i said earlier, i just can't stop.

Two turntables and a microphone, indeed.


A seven year old child swam from Alcatraz to the San Francisco shoreline on Monday. This is an amazing feat, for sure. But, if a
seven year old boy could make it you have to wonder why five presumed hardened criminals drowned trying to escape the prison in its heyday. Do age and crime deteriorate our swwimming capabilities?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

How To Improve Shoes

Step One: Stick an iPod in them.
Step Two: There's no step two. There's no step two!

Monday, May 22, 2006

My Ipod

Admittedly, my life lags in technological upgrades. I prefer notebook and pen over laptop. I'm not fond of the microwave. But, I had the good fortune of stumbling upon a free Ipod recently. Yesterday I used it for the first time and I could not be happier.

I walked out of the apartment and Sufjan Stevens cooed The Upper Peninsula in my ears. And I felt as if I was entering my own feature film for the first time. Everything seemed to suddenly have more importance. The sun beamed down in perfect rays. Sufjans' underscoring matched people's shoes. It lifted me up the steps to the El stop with ease and set me down just as the train arrived.

Then, on my way home, as I left the babysitting gig I had, Belle and Sebastian met me at the door and led me to the El with Dear Catastrophe Waitress.

Entrances and exits seem so much more significant, no matter where they lead to or come from. Oh, this new technology. Oh, my ipod.

blogberry @ the NRA convention

It's not what you think, though. I'm working as a camerman for a small cable network covering the National Resturant Association's national convention. Lots of food to be had here. Lots of Dubya, though. First time in my life filming a jackass president...I wonder how many "you got the wrong NRA" jokes he'll here today. Twelve, if I have anything to do with it.

I'm writing this from the Coca-Cola "booth", which costs three times as much as the house I grew up in. There are thirty-six 42" plasma screens, a custom chopper, custom fabricated furniture, and an army of red-shirt clad hotties distributing free Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Minute Maid juices, Icees, Dasani, and litterally a dozen other beverages. So actually, the free drinks they are giving out costs three times as much as the house I grew up in. Woo hoo boo hoo sob.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Big News!

My girlfriend and I are pre-pregnant! Actually, so are you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. And my sisters. And cousins. And Ruth.

"Wait. How is that possible?" you ask, "And what does pre-pregnant mean?".

That's the brand new federal designation for any woman between her first menstration and menopause, regardless of her plans to actually ever get pregnant.

Normally I'd try to follow up the news story with a witty comment or a joke, but how the fuck could I top that?

I Live In Chicago

My house is a few city blocks away from the border with Evanston. My day job is out by O'Hare, in the township of Des Plaines. My sketch group performs three times as much on the road as we do here. Yesterday, though, I felt like I actually lived in Chicago for the first time in a long time.

My day got started nice and late- I rolled out of bed at noon, hopped on the el, and fought past hordes of Cubs fans to get to i.O. by 1. The office air was rarified for some reason- Wendy's covering for Jill this week, and Mason was in insatiably high spirits. I spent twenty minutes looking for a picture of Harrison Ford with his short-lived moustache (to no avail). Some guy was giving away cigarettes at the el stop, so everyone felt a little bit of that Christmas magic.

I rolled back home at 6, hopped in my car, and drove to the show. We performed in a weird joint, just north and west of the financial district. It was odd coming out of the theatre and there was the Sears Tower, glorious non-factor* that it is. The small crowd was appreciative. Good times.

Then I headed down to the loop to meet up with Kathy Scientist and her lot of friends for drinks at what can only be described as an oasis of mediocrity in a vast desert of excess and overthought. I didn't know I was going to see a band play last night. But I did. The lead singer was the love-child of Shane Portman (appearance) and Stefan Lawrence (dance moves). They even covered my favorite Kinks song ("Victoria"), and did a damn good job with it.

My day ended nice and late, around two AM, with Adaptation lulling me to sleep by three. Maybe it wasn't Ferris Buhler's day off (seeing as I technically worked two jobs), but it felt nice to be immersed in Chicago for once, rather than catching the odd glimpse of it in my rear-view mirror, or thought-checking it as I lay awake in the middle of the night, wondering what the hell I'm doing here.

*- when I moved here, I thought the Tallest Building in America would be a big deal, but as far as I can tell, no one cares about the Sears Tower. It's just as boring as it is tall, they overcharge for their observation deck, and it seems even tourists realize it's as "meh" as skyscrapers can get.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

true mobility

Welcome to the future, bitch. I'm writing this post on the el with my new blackberry 8700g. It's pretty hot shit, if I do say so myself. Though, I'm admittedly only writing this post because I can, which makes this post patently useless. Still, I think this rates right up there in terms of humor with any other post I wrote this month. Sad, huh?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

lame, lame, lame

so we've been throwing up a big lame ball on the AC group blog this month...sorry about that. maybe it's time for another declaration we can't back up...


i'm announcing the Summer of a Thousand Blogposts II. It's my solemn promise to you to:

1) put quantity ahead of quality
2) find a way to post three times a day, even if i have to get political
3) more pictures!
4) more caption contests!
5) other things?

i'm totally clutching at straws, here. let's see. what's interesting to blog about...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My New Toy

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Immigration Reform x 8

The immigration debate just got stoked again by President Bush's red-hot poker. I don't know about you, but I'm all for it. Send the National Guard. Maybe when we get this Mexican border problem fixed we can finally move into strengthening our innerstate borders.

Seriously, I can't tell you how infuriating it is to find out that some people working here in Chicago are actually from Indiana! Well, get a job there, buddy! Or don't they sell insurance in Indiana?! Don't stroll into our state expecting free handouts!

I mean you can come visit, sure. See a concert. Buy a Sears Tower shot glass. But, do not-I repeat in bold capitals-DO NOT stay here. Your revenue is appreciated, but your alien presence is not. So, get an Illinois State driver's license and move your ass here if you want to work here. I don't care if your family is stuck in Indiana. You work in Illinois, you stay in Illinois. Or stop rooting for the White Sox, Cubs, Bulls, Bears, Blackhawks, Sky (our new WNBA team), or Rush (our Arena
Football team)(Yeah, we've got a lot of sport teams, Indiana. Suck it!). And stop eating deep dish pizza! And stop watching The Untouchables-Okay you can watch The Untouchables.
But, if we're going to be jingoists, let's at least do it right, damn it!

Sure, Mike Tyson's Crazy, But...

Did you hear the one about him wanting to sing with an Irish pop group?


Is there anything sadder than Napster saying this:

"Sorry. You've listened to THE DEADBEAT CLUB by THE B-52S too many times. To listen to THE DEADBEAT CLUB again, sign up for a subscription at $9.95/mo."

maybe "Sorry. You've listened to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW by C&C MUSIC FACTORY too many times. To listen to EVERYBODY DANCE NOW again, sign up for a subscription at $9.95/mo."


On my way to work this morning, a bird with four-to-six feet of toilet paper stuck to one of it's legs flew over my head.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Why I Love Reggie Bush...

1.) "I told my agent I want to be in here in camp on time ... whatever it takes, I want to be in camp on time. I think it is important to start off on a good foot and a good note, not only with the team but the city."

2.) If he can keep his number 5 jersey, he's donating 25% of the merchandising profit made from the jersey to Katrina victims.

3.) He's one of those amazing athletes who, with every run, has the power to bring tears to your eyes with acrobatic skill nothing short of magical.

Let's Fuck With The NSA

Let's all screw with the NSA! Why? Because it's fun and absolutely free!
Here's how:

Now that we know that every call we make is being tracked in the effort to find terrorists, I think we should all start calling my friend from high school, Jake Sands. I haven't talked to Jake in years. But, we should all call his cell phone number constantly (440-272-6515). Seriously, tell all your friends to do the same. It'll get the NSA buzzing and then maybe they'll tap his phone and listen to conversations. This is when phase two kicks in.

See, every time he answers or you get an answering machine, speak in code. The code we'll use has only a few stipulations. Speak normally, like any other phone conversation you might have, but wherever punctuation would be in the text version of your speech throw in a word of phrase from these categories:
Numbers followed by "er"-ie niner, fourer
Burt Lancaster Movies
Salad Ingredients
Name Derivitives Of William-Will, Willy, Bill, Billy
A Type Of Meat Said Three Times

Here's a sample of a conversation you might have. Let's say your name is Tito. (Quick Tip: Pretend You Know Jake From High School, Too)

You: HelloCrouton JakeRed is that youFiver It's meBeefBeefBeef TitoBilly from high schoolCucumber How are youRope Of Sand

Jake: What?

Me: Right
Hang up.

It's important to hang up immediately after affirmatively answering his question.
Who knows? If this goes well enough, we might even get Jake put on some kind of terrorist listing or arrested or deported. The possibilities are endless here.

Friday, May 12, 2006


sorry about the lack of blogging, everyone. i think i'm heading into one of those periods where i actually have to force myself to write. there's lots of stuff going on at work, lots of video projects, new animal club show, traveling around, etc. etc. etc.

i'll try to push through it today, but be warned- that means lackluster blog posts, even by ACGB standards. sigh. here goes.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Of Fathers And Sons And Politics

George and George W. have both recently endorsed the idea of seeing the third in the Bush clan lift his leg and mark the White House for his own. With the election still in the distance, Jeb has yet to announce a running. And that's a good thing. Because it's important to look at our nation's past presidential family ties before making a rational decision. The problems brought on by hurt fathers and vengeful sons certainly deserves some consideration.

John Quincy Adams

Living in the shadow of your father is never easy. Imagine living in the shadow of a founding father. Try as you might to make a name for yourself (go ahead, grow mutton chops, add a Quincy), but you're still going to be remembered as John Adams' son. JQ spent his entire tenure working to overturn every act passed and/or supported by his renowned father, but to no avail (or not much avail). He would later attempt to distance himself from politics altogether, co-starring in movies like Amistad.

Benjamin Harrison

His grandfather, William Henry Harrison, served the shortest amount of time as president (1 month). His tenure in the presidency and in life cut early by a bout of pneumonia which he received as a result of stubbornly delivering his inaugural address on an exceptionally rainy day.

Benjamin was elected president in 1888. But, he saved his inaugural address until the first severe thunderstorm of the year. An audience of spectators watched as he ad-libbed for hours, battling the clouds in a test of endurance. Fourteen hours later, the very last drop of rain dripped from up high and Benjamin closed his speech by pointing up to the sky and pumping his fist in memorium. The audience had all but passed out and within weeks they would all succumb to William Henry's same fate (stupid stubborn people pneumonia). But, decked in eight rain slickers (one for every year of his grandfather's unfulfilled tenure), Benjamin left unscathed and served one term.
Historians continue to argue to this day whether his vengeance was directed towards the rain or the audience.

*Most of these facts were blatantly made up in a desperate attempt to sway everyone who reads this to avoid voting in another Bush ever again!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

An Animal Club Show Comin' Up!

Hey, we finally have a gig in Chicago again that's not a Sketchfest! Thursday May 18th at 8 pm we're sharing the stage with a crew we actually met at Sketchfest (Go figure), The Cool Table. They're a spunky bunch and filled with pep (A synonym of spunk) and good cheer and they've got a regular gig at Gunther Murphy's.

But, our show will be at The Chicago Center for the Performing Arts in their
Studio Theater (777 N. Green St./312-733-6000). It's a lovely space nestled all snug-like in the South Loop. There's a full service bar available, but you don't have to be 21 to see the show. That's right! Bring little brothers, little sisters, little friends, and little grandparents! Bring whomever and whatever you want! But, first and foremost, bring yourself.
Tickets are 10 dollars and 8 dollars for students.

Cosmo Shmosmo

The latest issue of Cosmo is sitting in our bathroom. Mandy Moore is gracing the cover. But, what caught my attention is a little headline in the corner that said:

8 New Places To Have Sex

And here's the thing. I can't tell if Cosmo readers have had sex in so many places already that they're down to only eight left or if Cosmo's just being lazy. But I, personally, can think of at least fifteen right off the top of my head and I'm actually having to cut myself off for the sake of space:

-In A Space Shuttle
-On An Iceberg*
-In A Lunchbox
-Up Teddy Roosevelt's Mount Rushmore Nostril
-On Top Of Two Grizzly Bears Having Sex
-In A Barrel Headed Down Niagara Falls
-In A Weapon Of Mass Destruction*
-In The Empty Space That Was The Sphynx's Nose
-In Atlantis (Requires Deep Sea Diving Skills)* ^
-In The Center Of The Earth (Requires Sun Block)*
-On A Pile Of Honus Wagner Baseball Cards (Requires An Extremely Rare Baseball Card Collection)
-Back In Time*
-Between Two Large Slices Of Bread
-In A Beaver Dam (Mild Case Of Irony May Be Included)
-In A Time Capsule (Requires A Commitment Of At Least Twenty-Five Years)*

*May Result In Death.
^May Have Already Been Done Before. But, We Don't Know Much About The People Who Lived There Before Or During It's Sinkage.

Well done, Philly fans.

I think Philadelphia sports fans (Bethany Paxson excepted) are the craziest, most off-base sports fans on earth. They're nuts in a totally un-amusing way, in fact a quite dangerous way, but this effort by the outfield fans of what looks like two distinct sections is to be commended:

Question: Are The Pirates A Major League Team?

Evidence for:
• Major League Baseball logo featured prominently on uniforms, stadium and related merchandise
• Play in Major League Baseball's National League Central Division

Evidence against:
• (Batting) Currently last in National League in Batting Average (.234), On Base % (.301), Stolen Bases (12), and Walks (86).
• (Pitching) Currently last in National League in losses (24), Save opportunities (7), hits given up (317), runs given up (168),
• Rank no higher than 10th in any statistical category
• Have not had a winning season since 1992.

Suggested Action:
• Move Pirates to AA (I think AAA would still be an uphill fight)

Playlist of Doom

If the hipster council gets a hold of my list of played songs on Free Napster, i'm losing the fuck out of my indie cred. This hour:

• "Oh Sherry" Steve Perry
• "Edge of Seventeen" Stevie Nicks
• "Edge of Seventeen" Karaoke
• "Edge of Seventeen" Lindsay Lohan
• "Go Your Own Way" Fleetwood Mac
• "Cats in the Cradle" Ugly Kid Joe
• "Youth Gone Wild" Skid Row
• "Cosmic Thing" (The Whole Album) The B-52's

also, i noticed that when presented the option of listening to unlimited music, i lose all desire to listen to any music. i forced myself to listen to these songs to get good value for my free service.

Edit: is there anything in this world more...
a) processed than the female vocals on "Cosmic Thing"
b) annoying than Fred Schneider's voice

Friday, May 05, 2006

Lessons I Learned Today...

You can make a two year old lose their balance and wipe out just by saying "give me five" in rapid succession every time they turn away from you.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Let's Fuck With Free Napster!

In case you didn't hear, Napster is free again. Sort of. Just give them an email address and you get to listen to any of the 2,000,000 songs they have in their catalogue up to five times a piece. On the downside, the songs are encoded in 32kbps flash, meaning they sound like AM radio.

It's obvious to me that this is a data-mining exercise. They just want to know what the kids like, and I think it's our duty to help out. Here's what I need:

Two thousand volunteers willing to sign up, listen to Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way" five times in a row, then quit.

Why? Because the next morning, a lab-coated scientist will run down a hallway with a dot-matrix print out (perferated edges, alternating green and white background), bursting into the CEO's office, "It's Fleetwood Mac!'". By the afternoon, Napster will have undergone the great "Fleetwood Macification of 2006"- featured articles, reviews, exclusive tracks, interviews with Stevie Nicks and Mick Fleetwood, rare b-sides, ticket giveaways to Napster-sponsored world tours, etc etc etc. My god, it will be beautiful.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


No cell phone? Check.
No laptop? Check.
On vacation in Carribean? Not check.

Damn, I was this close to living a Corona commercial.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Spirits In The Bathroom

When I walked into the bathroom today, a urinal fifteen feet away from me flushed, the motion sensor tripped, but there wasn't anyone standing in front of it. A spirit had urinated. Surprisingily, I wasn't scared. More sad actually. To think, these spirits are floating around, having already died, and they still have the human hangup of having to relieve themselves every couple of hours. What a drag.

A Time Well Had

Just wanted to say thanks to Elephant Larry for staying with us this weekend and putting some smiles on our faces. We had a blast! In fact we seemed to be the entire CIF closing night party. Literally. We were the only ones sitting in the cigarette/wine bar. But, it was phenomenal. Can't wait to hang out again in New York for Sketchfest NYC!