Friday, March 31, 2006

Mistakes People Make

Dirt, acorns, shells, shoes, talcum powder, potatos, juice boxes, snap shots, radios, ice, Babysitters Club books, handkerchiefs, cheese, plums, dates, onion rings, sausage, lollipops, crayons, pagers, notebook paper, blank tapes, Popular Science magazines, Jude Law photos, popsicle sticks, laundry...

This is a partial list of all the things that make sense to carry in a sack if you're an ex president on the lam from being tried with war crimes/human rights violations. You'll notice that, although the list stretches to infinite lengths, sacks of money are not included. That's something you should bury and come back to later. But, that's exactly what Charles Taylor, ex-president/human rights violator or Liberia, did. He stuffed sacks full of dollars and euro bills, threw them willy-nilly into a jeep and headed down the road, as if on his way to Daytona.
So, what do this teach us?
Just because you've killed thousands of people, doesn't mean you're not an idiot.

Join in!

With the temp a steady 65+ here in Chicago, I'm officially ready to play my Spring Song, Rushes of Pure Spring by the Ladybug Transistor. I'm gonna go home and clean my blinds, and do laundry, and open all the windows. Fun!

Also, Scrubs is on iTunes!

Thursday, March 30, 2006


i'm catholic, and i forgot to give something up for lent this year. and go to church every day except christmas and easter. so guess where i'm going?


Hey everyone! The show last night was great! All was funny and funny was all. It was a laugh-filled night, with all groups bringing their A game. Just one of those magical little nights. And before our set, I took a dump and it was the first time that I noticed that the door in the men's room has this little cork board on the inside. And, over time, it's been whittled down to something much less than it was, but that something is exactly the shape of Ohio if it was combined with the southern half of Florida. I don't know why this left such a big impression on me. But, I can honestly say that I left that stall more warm and fuzzy than I've ever felt after leaving any stall and I knew that it was going to be a good night. And I owe it all to corkboard Flohio.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sketchfest TV LIVE tonight!

Be there!

i.O.'s Del Close Theatre 3541 N Clark St. Chicago, IL. Starting at 8:00. The running order:

American Dream
Animal Club
Team Submarine
The Defiant Thomas Brothers

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Conversation With A 2 Year Old Part 2

The following is from an actual conversation I had with a 2 year old today.

Him: King Kong Scary.

Me: You watched King Kong?

Him: Yeah. Scared.

Me: With your mom and dad?

Him: No.

Me: Who'd you watch it with?

Him: Robot.

Fuck you, Stefan. Fuck you, Biz.

Our friendship has now officially cost me $0.99

Thanks to those two people, I am now the proud owner of "Girl Next Door" by 37-year-old Avril Levigne and the Out Of Focus Backup Band®*. I tried to fight it, but my "Trip To NYC" playlist wouldn't be complete without it.


*Out Of Focus Backup Band is a registered trademark of Stefan Lawrence Comedy Enterprises. Used without permission.

Health Food, Schmealth Schmood

Here's a fun game I just invented called Exactly what item(s) on Taco Bell's Value Menu Will Make You Throw Up?

1. Don't eat anything all day except a large vanilla frappuccino and a cup of office coffee.
2. Go to Taco Bell at 2:30 PM
3. Order five different things from the value menu.
4. Eat them one at a time until you throw up.
5. Whatever the last thing you ate before you throw up is the winner.

Todays winner was the Spicy Chicken "Burrito". Congrats, SCB!

Le Tour

Semi-Related to the below post is the mission statement and motto of The Animal Club Touring Company:

All 50 by 2050
We Set Reasonable Goals

This is a gauntlet I threw down in 2003 to inspire us to perform in random places. I think we're up to 13 states or something like that, which is nice. The one rule I insisted on was that once we hit 49, we wait until New Years Eve 2049 to get that last state done. If possible, I'd like that show to be scheduled for 11:45 PM, which leaves a distinct possibility we won't get the last show in on time. I'd like to think that ambitious long-term goals with a generous timetable should be subject to the same disregard for practicality as our short-term goals, by which I mean, we should give ourselves every conceivable opportunity to screw it up.

Another Road Trip

The Animal Club is gaining a reputation for getting around the country in unorthodox ways. We're about to drive across country (again) for our weekend of shows in Bellingham, WA. The drive itself is fantastic; going through Montana and Idaho is pretty much a religious experience. The mountains and valleys and prairies are pure Americana, and even this hard-hearted liberal was moved to sing "This Land is Your Land" as we passed through Yellowstone.

After Bellingham, we'll have some local shows and then it's back on the road to NYC, which begs the question- how will we get there this time. We've driven, trained, and flew to NYC for our previous shows there, and I feel like we should try to get another mode of transportation in there. It just seems like the right thing to do. Here's what I would consider for the next NYC trip:

• Boat
I don't think the river system cuts from Chicago to New York, but the canals of the Great Lakes Waterways would eventually get us there. The downside is that we'd have to ride in a cargo ship, and that it would take upwards of two weeks to complete the journey. And once again, we'd be on a cargo ship. Doesn't mean it isn't worth it, though.

• Hot Air Balloon
If Steve Fassett can go around the world, clearly we can go however-hundred miles it is to the Big Apple. Since we're starting in the Windy City, I'd figure we'd make pretty good time, and most air currents run West-To-East, so there's that. Since there's five of us, plus a tech person or two, I'd assume we'd have to do a hot-air balloon convoy, which would be pretty cool. Unfortunately, that would create a parking hassle when we stop at Perkins for lunch. And hot air balloons only go as fast as the wind is blowing and there's no way to steer them, so there's no guarantee we'd actually arrive in NYC.

• Forced March
Ruth's a Native-American, so maybe we should honor that with a forced march from Chicago to New York. We could cry and die along the way to make it more like the original Trail of Tears, but then we'd have to re-cast some stuff once we got there. Also, I think we'd just fly back.

• The Wrong Direction
The mode isn't as important here as the direction is. The idea is probably to fly, but to fly West until we landed in New York. It'd probably be Chicago-San Francisco, Hawaii, Tokyo, New Delhi, Frankfurt, NYC.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Loving George Mason

I don't really follow NCAA basketball so much. But, nothing sparks a random love for sport than the winnings of an underdog. And that, my friends, is what's drawn me to #11 seeded George Mason University, a tiny commuter college in Virginia who have upset their way into the Final Four by beating top-seeded University of Connecticut this weekend. Pretty amazing stuff. I haven't even watched a game yet, but I'm loving every minute of it. Just hearing about it even. It's just nice to see/hear the underdogs tear it up a bit. Kinda reminds you of this little alien:

Or the 1986 LSU team.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


i'm physically, emotionally and intellectually exhausted from my weekend in nyc. i can't seem to access my bank account anymore, i have to go straight to work from the airport at 9:30 AM, and i think it may take weeks to get back the brain power that slowly drained away over the course of four jam-packed days.

it was so worth it.

what did i do, you ask? i don't think i'll go into too much detail, but it did involve a tugboat turned into a night club, a sweet surprise stay at the hotel chelsea, a cigarette flavored hostess cupcake, two games of pool, some great beer, way too much leo sayer, and some of the coolest people in the world. thanks to everyone who sponsored this mental health weekend for me, and thanks especially to my hosts; stefan, biz and monica, and livia, and the collective and individual genius that is MEAT.

no pictures of this weekend. none needed. lots of sleep needed, though.

A Little Hasselhoff On A Sunday


Friday, March 24, 2006

A Day Without Latinos

Some nasty anti-immigration legislation is making it's way through Congress. The Senate version was sponsored by (who else) Bill Frist, while the House version was sponsored by Schmucky McAssholeton, a (what else) Republican rep from Wisconsin. In response, the latin community coordinated a Day Without Latinos in Milwaukee to show Wisconsinites what the world will be like when their spice is taken off the rack.

That makes me wish all Wisconsin's electric chairs and right-wing think tanks were run by Latinos. But they aren't. Those are run by douchebag Republicans who think they know better than everyone else. Any chance we can convince them that they aren't wanted, so they'll organize a "Day Without Douchebag Republicans"? That would be pretty refreshing.

How Pretty Is It Today?

We don't say that enough in this modern, modern world.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

American Airlines...

...gave me the whole can of coke on my flight to nyc. the whole can, i say.

it's the little things, you know?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Just to clarify...

"We all recognized that there is violence, that there is sectarian violence. But the way I look at the situation is, the Iraqis looked and decided not to go into civil war."
-George Bush-

1: of or relating to or characteristic of a sect or sects; "sectarian differences" *
2: belonging to or characteristic of a sect; "a sectarian mind"; "the negations of sectarian ideology"

1: A group of people forming a distinct unit within a larger group by virtue of certain refinements or distinctions of belief or practice.*
2: A religious body, especially one that has separated from a larger denomination.
3: A faction united by common interests or beliefs.

civil war
1: A war between factions or regions of the same country.*
2: A state of hostility or conflict between elements within an organization: “The broadcaster is in the midst of a civil war that has brought it to the brink of a complete management overhaul”

Time Issues

I know not what I have stumbled upon, but it seems I have found a loophole in the time/space continuum. Scientists may credit the whole idea to the unreliability of the Chicago's elevated train system. But no matter when I leave my house, be it an hour ahead of schedule or a half hour behind, I arrive at work fifteen minutes late. My employer is understanding in this. So, I am not in fear of being penalized, but I am in awe of it and I seem to be stuck in this odd reality each and every time I go to work. Does anyone else have one of these worm holes in their lives? Or am I alone?

Bird Flu

CNN says scientists may have figured out why bird flu doesn't spead easily among humans. Maybe because it's the bird flu? Duh.

emusic whatever

i keep buying music. i can't stop. i think i need help...

• selected tracks from The Greatest TV Themes of All Time
I picked up Cheers, Taxi, and Hill Street Blues. The best part is these are MIDI karaoke versions of the actual themes you know or love. Peep the HSB one opening this week's Sketchfest TV.

• Sufjan Stevens- Enjoy Your Rabbit
One of my favorite tracks on Illinoise is the last one, "Out of Egypt..." which is just a pattern/loop piece that evolves slowly and gracefully and very pleasantly. This album is an experiment with those type of tracks. It's great.

• Ray Charles- Genius Loves Company
Awful. Hands down the worst emusic album i've ever bought.

• Mogwai- Mr. Beast
Math rock. Mogwai never really changes. From second to second, song to song, album to album. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

• Bloc Party- Silent Alarm
Meh. It's not bad, I just don't see what all the fuss was about.

• Cat Power- The Greatest
Haven't listened to it yet. Probably won't for a while, either. Why did I buy this?

So that was last month's 65. I have no idea what to do with this month's 65. Maybe I'll get caught up on old Yo La Tengo and jazz albums.

Sketchfest TV Episode 10

Stoobe is missing! Tink runs the show from the Sketchfest TV Missing Persons Bunker, while Triplette (Chicago), The 3rd Floor (Portland), and Troop! (LA) use their sketch powers to try to lure Stoobe home. Will it work?

Available Formats:
Google Video

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

i need a vacation

good thing i have one coming up.

i'm going AWOL from just about every responsibility i have for three and a half days in NYC. such a break is desperately needed. why? well i just shared an awkward high-five with one of my day job co-workers because the extrapolated numbers on the 3110 project are trending much higher than anticipated with a statistically significant sample size.

it'd be easier to just give up and do this for the rest of my life, but if i did that, the rest of my life wouldn't be long enough to be statistically significant. because i'd kill myself. within the week.

How Am I Doing This?

I managed to lose another left glove yesterday. That brings this year's total to four. Four. Four pairs of gloves ruined because I lost one. And not just any one, not one of each so I could mix and match. I always lose the left one, which means I now have four right gloves at home that are completely useless.

In the end I blame this on Spring. If Spring could stand it's ground, I'd be fine. But no. Spring's gotta be a pussy. Fuck you, Spring.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Young Riders

I was glancing over a Best Buy flyer today and I noticed that the first season of the late TV series, Young Riders, was just released in a DVD boxed set. I don't know how many people watched this, but it was a glittery gem in the weekly lineup for my siblings and I. Never before and never since has the Pony Express been dealt in such an entertaining and gripping fashion. Cowboys and mail. It doesn't get any better than that.

We even created an imaginary rural form of Pony Express. The system consisted of laps around the house on our bikes while wearing cowboy hats, imaginary time limits, and an exchange of empty bags filled with air. I think one time we put an envelope in one of the bags, but mark my words, it was never delivered-a probable lesson in why the real pony express may have failed, but not really explaining why network execs axed the Young Riders.


Colombia plans to erect a steel statue of the ever-so-recent successful pop star, Shakira. It takes some people years and years to get a statue erected and many pass away long before someone carves them into stone. So, what does Shakira have that Abraham Lincoln, Harry Caray, and Beetle Bailey don't*?
She can dance! Oh, and she lives in a time of instant celebrity.

*Beetle may not technically be dead as he's still printed in newspapers. But, in all honesty, his relevance and humor passed on decades ago.

Goonies Q and A, pt 4

Q: Did you get all this information from the Wikipedia entry on The Goonies?

A: Yes.

Goonies Q and A, pt 3

Q: Goonies opened up at #2 in box office the year it came out. What was number 1?

A: Another wholesome adventure that drew inspiration from the boundless imagination of a child; Rambo: First Blood, pt. II.

Goonies Q and A, pt. 2

Q: I heard that Chunk was elected president. Is that true?

A: You were close, but way off. Jeff Cohen, the actor who played Chunk ran for class president of UC Berkley in 1996. His slogan was "Chunk for President" and, yes, he was victorious.

Goonies Q and A, pt. 1

Q: You know the cast? Where are they now?
A: In Your Heart.

Followup Q: What about in the non-metaphysical sense?
Followup A: Oh. Sean Astin went on to be Sam Gangee in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but I don't know about the rest. They did pose for this picture a couple years ago, though:

Happy Goonies Day

Blogclemation #A1642:

Whereas the Goonies was the best movie ever made until you turned 12, and...

Whereas you got together with your friends and "played" Goonies in your neighborhood and...

Whereas you always wanted to be Data and...

Whereas the song commonly known as "Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper is actually called "The Goonies R Good Enough" by Cyndi Lauper and...

Whereas I just bought said song, by the relative power vested in my through the Animal Club group blog, I hereby declare today, Monday, March 20th, 2006, Goonies Day on the Animal Club Group Blog.

Sunday, March 19, 2006


Here's an update on how Sketchfest TV is doing on YouTube:

Sketchfest TV: Episode 2- 156 views
Jennifer Love Hewitt Dancing In Her Bra- 158,022 views

Yeah, but which one's funnier?

Friday, March 17, 2006


If the ratings and attendance are any indication, no one in America cares about the World Baseball Classic. And if the American team's play is any indication, neither did they. For those of use who aren't jingoists, watching America get slapped around was kinda fun.This article from South Korea's Digital Chosunilbo shines a light on the delight a nation of our might's current plight can cre-ite*.

*That was supposed to be create, but I wanted it to rhyme with light. Sorry.

EDIT! I figured it out! ...shines a light on the delight a nation of our might's current plight can incite.! YES!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

A show?!

The Animal Club apparently only performs in Chicago if the phrase Sketchfest is used. Witness our next show, a free sampler March 29th at 8:00 PM. We'll be joining three or four of the best sketch groups in Chicago as part of Sketchfest TV LIVE! Details:

Sketchfest TV LIVE!
8:00 PM, Wed. March 29th
Del Close Theatre
I.O. Chicago (Formally ImprovOlympic)
Clark & Addison

Public Service Announcement

Getting off the train today, the conductor used the intercom to say this:
"Be careful. Don't fall. You'll break your leg."
Which is great advice even if it's not always true.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

What I love about translation widgets

I ran a test phrase through the translator widget on my powerbook to see how accurate the translation was. I chose German, as that's the only language I can do more than order chicken in. Here's how things broke down or, rather, how they broke apart:

Original English:
For all the girls with the long red hair
Who make my want to try:

Thank you.
Give yourself a hand.

Translated into German
Für das Mädchen mit dem langen roten Haar
Das mich versuchen wünschen läßt:

Geben sich eine Hand.

Bad German translated back into Bad English
For the girl with the long red hair try me to require leaves:

Give themselves a hand.

and back into German
Für das Mädchen mit dem langen roten Haar versuchen Sie mich, um
Blätter zu benötigen:

Geben Sie sich eine Hand.

Finally, English-to-German-to-English-to-German-to-English
For the girl with the long red hair you try me,
in order to need pages:

Give yourselves a hand.


Like most papers, The Chicago Tribune has a daily Sudoku puzzle right along side the daily crossword. And right below them are the answers to the previous days puzzles. And I have to wonder if anybody really checks them. Crossword answers make sense to me. You can remember words or phrases that you had difficulty with. But, columns of numbers? I'm no Rain Man. If I can't figure out a Sudoku puzzle, I throw it out and wait for a new one. I don't save it to find out the answer. And if I do solve one, I certainly won't be saving that to cross reference each and every number to see if I solved it properly. So really, is a daily Sudoku answer necessary? Couldn't we save that panel for a Beetle Bailey comic:

Beetle, you can't do that in the Army!

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, STOP!

Yeah, that would be a whammie.

related, if only by poor-taste-ness

That's It

I just took a coffee break where I had to listen to some jackass talk about how much he hates David Schwimmer and how there was a guy just like him in his fraternity, and they called him "Droopy Dog", just like the cartoon character. Then he laughed uncontrollably at himself.

I'm either quitting comedy or my day job. Right now.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


On one hand, it makes sense that babies cry when they're born. On the other, you'd think there'd be more who arrive in stunned silence upon first-glimpsing a world that doesn't consist of placenta goop.

Monday, March 13, 2006

OK Everybody, On Three...1...2...3!

Happy Birthday To You!
Happy Birthday To You!
Happy Birthday, dear indirect cause of the Civil War!
Happy Birthday To You!


I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job right now, just so I'd have something to do.


Friday, March 10, 2006

Bush is a douche.

It's true. Whilst severing just about every other tie we have to any other country in this whole sweet little world we live in, Bush in the same breath condemned those who looked poorly on the Dubai purchase of American ports.
"I'm concerned about a broader message this issue could send to our friends and allies around the world, particularly in the Middle East. In order to win the war on terror, we have got to strengthen our relationships and friendships with moderate Arab countries in the Middle East."
Someone send this douche a list of all the countries who have, only since his election, added the US to their hate list. It's extensive and reaches past the Middle East!
I'm not rallying against the Dubai purchase. I'm not really against it, in fact. I just hate faulty leaders proclaiming that we have to make friends when he wants to, while handily making shitsteak out of the rest of our foreign relations!

Chlorine Elbow

Today, I hit my funny bone and it reminded me of the first time I hit my funny bone- which I was unaware of for some time.

I was five years old or so and my brother and I were playing catch with this beach ball by a pool. We were at the house of some of my parents friends and the guy told us that he had just put a huge dose of chlorine in the pool and not to play in the pool or touch the water. Beach ball catch was the perfect diversion. Except that beach balls are light and are easily carried away by a light breeze and are ever so gently dropped into the pool. I was freaked out, to say the least. But, my brother was older than I (still is, in fact) and you can't show fear in front of an older brother unless he, too, is afraid. And he wasn't. So, I ran to get the ball. Reached for it with little hands and pulled it near, dripping with chlorine induced water. When I ran back to my brother and threw the ball, I tripped and hit my elbow-my funny bone-and the sensation that happened afterwards freaked me the hell out!

I had never felt anything like it. It felt like my forearm was humming, but with needles? I know that doesn't make sense and it didn't at that time either. The only way I could explain it was that I had contracted chlorine poisoning. I can't tell you how many nights I laid awake and wondered if I was going to lose the use of my arm. Every time I bumped my elbow, the chlorine somehow got back into my system and hummed needles. I can't even remember when I realized chlorine poisoning wasn't real. I had heard people talk about hitting their funny bones and had even seen it happen a few times, people grabbing their elbows and squeaming-sort of like one of my chlorine poisoning episodes. And yet, I never made the connection-never thought they had chlorine poisoning or that I had hit my funny bone.


Just saw this quote in an interview with John Malkovich. Thought it was good shit.

"If you prefer to spend your time doing things that you are interested in, you have to understand you may be the only person who is."

American Payback

My fucking roommates like watching American Idol, which means the two or three times a Thursday I have to talk to them, there's a good chance they're watching it, which means I'll have to watch it, too.

This week they were kicking people off who didn't get enough votes. That's fine, but after they crush their dreams, they make them sing the song that led to their dreams being crushed again, with no hope of it changing anyone's mind.

That's cruel.

I couldn't help but think how wonderful it woud be if someone who got kicked off sang "Piss Up A Rope" by Ween.

Also, I think the show would be much better if the contestants that lost had to sign a contract saying they'd never sing again, kinda like the Little Mermaid.

Clandestine Blogging!

So, I can still post through DashBlog while Blogger is fixing their site problems. Any other mac blogspotters out there, take note.

This is semi-related.

The almighty google owns blogger, and they also own google video, which I am currently uploading videos to. The verification process is a long one, so I thought I'd look around google video for a bit and see what else is there. When I got to the main page, google automatically put "bo diaz" into the search field. Now I know two things for a fact. One, I've never used google video before, and two I was just about to type "Bo Diaz" into the seach field. Can it be that google's search technology is so advanced that it knows what I want to search for before I search for it? If so, welcome to the future, bitch. If not, I wonder what's going on there.

And for the record, Bo Biaz was a baseball player for the Cincinatti Reds in the '80s.


Blogger isn't working! I snuck this one past the guards. Let's see if it works.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Blue Flash

This is pretty old, but pretty awesome nonetheless. And it must be seen to be believed.

Some dude in rural Indiana a) liked roller coasters, b) had a lot of time on his hands, and c) was knowledgeable about steel manipulation, so he built a roller coaster in his backyard. It's called the Blue Flash and it goes upside down and everything.

You can see a video of it here, and WNYC's The Next Big Thing (kinda like an NYC version of This American Life), did a segment from here.

Enjoy the ingenuity!


I've been thinking about Jansport lately. They have that lifetime guarantee deal with all their bags, which is really incredible. But, what would happen if everyone in the world bought a Jansport bag? That'd be like 12,000,000,000,063 (rough estimate of world's human population) bags! And if none of those ever needed replacing, than Jansport factories would have nothing to do, save the occasional person who wants two bags. Of course there's always more babies on the way, but who buys there newborn a bookbag? So, there'd be at least a 4-5 year gap in bookbag purchasing.

Would Jansport still honor their lifetime guarantee? There'd be have to be entire factories open soley for free repair. Meanwhile, absolutely no revenue would be coming in. What then? What then, my friends? Would the repair factories shut down? Or would they be kept open by the revenue made from the sale of 12,000,000,000,063 backpacks? Is it possible in this
world of possibilities that, in an effort to give everyone a bookbag forever, we'd destroy the possibility of a lifetime guarantee? It's enough to make 12,000,000,000,063 heads explode in what could only be called a Jansport Apocalypse. So, watch your back. The horsemen are coming not in fours but twelve trillion sixty-threes.

Simpsons Live Credits

Some people got the idea to remake The Simpsons opening credits in live action mode. It's worth a look just because.

Waking Up

I woke today to the sound of talk radio djs discussing scientists claim that the avian flu is only, at the most, six months away from striking America. Then, I read the newspaper whose top story's headline read this, "Harm and Pain", referring to a quote from Iran's representative to the US at an International Atomic Energy Agency conference. The full quote went something like this, "The United States has the power to cause harm and pain. But the United States is also susceptible to harm and pain. So, if that is the path the US wishes to choose, let the ball roll."

Um, yeah.

One of those days where you just want to pull the covers over your head and sleep until it's all over or slap government leaders* and/or bird flu or scream at the top of your lungs, get gills and swim to the deeps of the ocean and live with fish.

In Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was at some kind of entertainment themed amusement park and I was riding The "Wayans Brothers Swing Around", which was a giant helium-filled balloon that you sat on as it swung around. As the ride slowed down, if you could make it back to the launching platform without letting your feet touch the ground, you'd win a house. And the Wayans brothers were there cheering you on. I almost made it, but had to walk along a wall to get back to the platform, and Marlon said, "Awwww, Man. You ALMOST made it.".

I made none of this up.

This strange plan is random at best

I've received two calls this morning from this phone number:


Spooky, no?

The Speed of Lightning

So how fast is lightning, exactly? Well, according to this site, it's only 60% faster than a conventional hair dryer. The question remains- is lightning that slow, or are conventional hair dryers that fast?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Pitt-Louisville Game

with five minutes to go in the first half of the opening round game against louisville, pitt was winning 33-5.

with two minutes to go in the game, pitt was winning 53-43.

with thirty seconds left, pitt was winning 57-54.


The Mundane Cycle

There are times in my life where the days seem to string together into one super day that stretches along for weeks at a time. In this string there are no moments of distinction. Each day trickles into the next without a hint of excitement. Sometimes it's too much work that drags me down.
Sometimes I'm feeling creatively dry or haven't had a meaningful conversation in days. And, sadly, I know the current status of my financial state is usually a factor, too.

Regardless of the reason, this string of mundanity can seem almost suffocating. Suffocation by boredom. You try to breathe, but coinicidence prevents you from getting that much-needed gulp of
spontaneity. So you trudge on, sleep-deprived even if you've slept plenty. And it's in times like these that I'm guessing a person grabs the ol' sniper rifle and pops off a few at random from the top of a skyscraper. Me, I'll just settle for a bowl of blue moon ice cream and some inspired chat.

SketchFest TV - Episode 9

Episode 9 is packed with enthusiasm!
Times Square!
The Habit (LA)!
Trophy Dad (NYC)!
Elephant Larry (NYC)!



Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Pleasantly Punk

Do you think people are surprised by the happiness of punk rock the first time they hear it? A couple of Rancid songs just came on my iTunes, and I'll be damned if ti didn't have more "Na Na Na's" and "Woo hoo hoo"'s than your average Motown record. And it's not just barely-punk stuff like Rancid- Strung Out, NOFX, The Queers, on and on and on it goes. The kids just want to write happy, happy music, and look like this:

Obviously they use real guitars, but you get the idea.

Come on.

Kirby Puckett, an all around nice guy who did his job and was the consummate team player died last night, and the sports news of the day should be dedicated to his passing. But I guess a tribute to a guy who did things the right way just can't stand up to a new book about Barry Bonds and steroids.

The Kirby story was completely bumped from the main page of That's messed up.

Monday, March 06, 2006


By now, I'm sure you're aware of all the surprises that came out of last night's Oscar presentation. Crash won best picture over Brokeback Mountain. George Clooney nabbed best supporting actor for Syriana. Three 6 Mafia won best original song for
"It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from Hustle and Flow. But, for me, the biggest shock of all may have come from a panning shot of the audience, revealing that Mickey Rooney is still alive!!!!

Also from

I swear to god, if i ever lose an arm, i am SO getting this:

The States, As Ranked By Baz

1. Montana
2. 47-way tie
49. Missouri
50. Texas

Gay Games! No! Not here!

So Chicago's hosting the quadrennial Gay Games in 2K6, and the suburban community of Crystal Lake has voted to not let the rowing event take place in their community.

One bigot at the meeting was quoted as saying "Please don't call me a bigot, because I am right there taking care of the consequences of a homosexual lifestyle." Her concern was that the event would increase the instances of AIDS in their small town community, and she has a point. Ever since Gay Games II, the opening ceremonies would include an AIDS-balloon fight (like a water balloon fight, but the balloons were filled with AIDS).

It just goes to show that if you start of a sentence with "Please don't call me a bigot, because...", you are most likely a bigot.

Anyway, a vacationing town rep who missed the vote called in to say, "let's try this one again", and a Crystal Lake minister have spoken in support of the games, so there's hope for Crystal Lake's struggling Musical Theatre Karaoke industry yet.


As some of you know, I've had an implanted defibrillator keeping me alive since 2000. It's not my favorite thing in the world to talk about, but part of my therapy in dealing with the problem is being more open about it. Truth be told, I'm more open about it now than I ever have been, but I feel like I'm at an impasse. I need a partner to help me take the next step.

Enter, the AICD patient's one-stop shop for tee shirts that scream out to everyone who reads other people's tee shirts, "Hey! I've got a life-threatening heart condition! Isn't that funny! Ha Ha Ha!", which, apparently, is a good thing.

There are dozens of designs, ranging from the delightfully irreverent ("Death. Been there. Done That. Got the T-Shirt"), to the confusing-to-everyone-who-has-a-less-than-expert-level-understanding-of-certain-rare-conditions ("Q T Cutie"), to the gross and completely untrue ("Men With Defibrillators Make Better Lovers").

After careful consideration, I've decided not to buy a tee-shirt. Instead, I'm going to design and sell my own. It will have a picture of Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy on it, and it will say "Grey's Anatomy". I think this will sell much better than any of those other ones.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


(that's most valuable gay player, btw)

So Brokeback Mountain has sparked lots of discussion on the topic of homosexual acceptance, which is good. Part of that discussion is reflected in a poll conducted by Sports Illustrated on whether pro athletes would accept a gay teamate, which is weird.

Athletes and the sports media are talking about the issue now, which is good. It did take a movie about "gay cowboys" to start the discussion, though, which is weird.

The results were heartening; in all four major sports, majorities would accept a gay teammate, which is good. After the poll, the author listed a bunch of "Quick Facts", one of which was very, very weird:

'Among baseball players, 67.8% of those who said they would rather play for the Red Sox than for the Yankees also said they would welcome a gay teammate. Of those who picked the Yankees, only 54.2% said "yes."'

I have to wonder if that was the only other questions they asked. "Would you accept a gay teammate, and if you play baseball, would you rather play for the Red Sox, or the Yankees?"

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Khragslist Updated

Sometime in the last three months, San Francisco's awesome Kasper Hauser updated Khraigslist, their brilliant send up of Craigslist. Completely addicting read.

Suggestion Box

If any other people are planning half-assed, poor-man knock-off's of the onion, i thought of a tag line:

When News Breaks, We Take It Back, Tell Them That's How It Was When We Got It, And Get Store Credit.

Also, if anyone was planning a parody of the American Heart Association website, may I suggest the "American Fart Association"?

That's right. I get paid to do comedy.

If this doesn't get you fired up

you need therapy. i know it's old news, but it's still good news. enjoy it.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Strip Oscars!

During last year's Oscars, I got a call to come upstairs and see Tom. When I knocked on the door, a naked Jayson Brooks opened it, and a 3/4 naked Bethany Paxson and 9/10 naked Mike Tornetta were sitting on the couch. Tom was nowhere to be found.

Turns out they had been playing Strip Oscars. Here's how it works:

1. Category is announced.
2. Everyone picks a winner.
3. If your pick wins, you have to get naked.
4. You stay naked unless your pick in the next category doesn't win.

MIke and Bee took to just putting the bare essentials back on after they won. I think it was to save time. Anyway, I think we're playing again this year, so if you've got a hankering for some nakedness, swing by the Animal Club House to indulge.

MENSA Question 3

(fill in the blank)
_____ is a genius.

Responsible Americans Unite!

On Thursday, the Senate voted in favor of renewing the USA Patriot Act with some minor changes, pretty much insuring that President Bush will receive the bill to sign sometime next week.

A sad day and I am tired of the hypocrisy*. What do they say again? When in Rome, do as the Romans.

So, starting today, I'm just going to make this easier for everyone and take some initiative. That being said, don't be upset if you hear the whirring of a recording device when you're talking with me. It's our responsibility to be responsible and if I say something unpatriotic, I should be the first one to report myself and ask that I please be sent somewhere awful* (like Guantanamo Bay, for instance-hint, hint for any government agents scanning this blog) where I can be maliciously prevented
from excersising human rights.

If you're like me, and would like to help our government in this Orwellian effort, here's some simple tips on how you can monitor yourself and those around you:

-Carry a tape recorder-a small concealed one is best-if one is unavailable, any old boombox with a record button will do. Use for both phone and face to face conversation. For face to face shots and unpatriotic landscapes a camera or video camera are helpful.

-Read all mail and email thoroughly (both incoming and outgoing), looking for anything suspicious and/or unpatriotic, the definition of suspicious and/or unpatriotic being anything that doesn't agree with the current facist* government's way of thinking:
ie- a dislike for the current condition in Iraq*, a feeling that the government responded poorly to Hurricane Katrina*, an anger at the state of the educational system*, the desire to see people marry who they want to*, a feeling that women should have the right to choose whether or not to have an abortion*, a general distrust in any and all things the current
president and his administration say*.
If you find yourself or anyone you're receiving email from expressing these sentiments, place an * next to the place in question. For mail, just highlight the area with a standard highlighter (I like the idea of color coding). This will make the FBI/CIA/Government Anti-Terrorist Task Force's job a little easier.

-Put all suspicious and unpatriotic audio tapes, letters, magazine articles, newspaper clippings, coupons, cds, comic books, novels, film clips, recorded TV episodes, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc into an envelope and send them to the following address:
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW Washington DC 20500

Emails can simply be forwarded to . The President's email wasn't available (probably for terror-fighting purposes), but I did find the VP's, . So, I'm guessing the President's is something like . If that doesn't work, you can send it to the VP. He should know, too.

-Last but certainly not least, if you see something that might be even in the slightest bit suspicious and unpatriotic-ie someone wearing a trench coat, someone with dred locks, or someone celebrating a religion you don't understand; and you aren't able to record it please, please call President Bush or the White House (202-456-1111 (White House Comments) or 202-456-1414 (White House Switchboard). Ask for the President.). And the time of the incident isn't an issue here.
They should know of these things as soon as they happen be it morning, noon, night, late night, early morning, or early early morning (Remember to record this conversation, too).

I strongly urge all to take part in this. It's time we helped our government instead of complain about it. Only you can stop yourself from expressing your opinions!

Sketchfest TV on PerformInk

Thanks to Rob Baker at PerformInk (Chicago's entertainment industry rag) for the nice article that came out today.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Baz and Romy and Michelle?

I just got an email from somebody I apparently went to high school with. It's reunion time. The big 1-0. It was a typical email, "hey! can you BELIEVE it's been ten years? LOL! Do you want to come to the reunion?" etc etc. I've elected not to beat around the bush, and here's the email I sent back:


It depends on how successful I am by then. I have to be a little successful, so as to impress you all, but not so successful that it's beneath me to spend time with you. Not a very big window, is it? But who knows?

You understand,


Oh what the hell...

Haven't Posted Any Pictures in a While...

So why start now?

Actually, I was looking for the cover of the last issue of Might Magazine, the precursour to the somehow more famous McSweeney's. I couldn't find it anywhere, but I did find a link to the cover story: Are Black People Cooler Than White People? by Donelle Alexander.

I'll describe what the cover looked like to you so you can picture it in your mind as you read. It was an all white cover, with a black dude on the left, a white dude on the right, both striking inquisitive poses, with the words "ARE BLACK PEOPLE COOLER THAN WHITE PEOPLE?" cascading down the middle. Actually, you can see a piece of it here.

Chivalry Gives Way To Stupidity

This morning I tried to hold a revolving door open for someone by giving it an extra push after I'd gone through. Doesn't work.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

MENSA Question 2

Using only your pencil and a sheet of paper, cure one of these:
Rheumatoid Arthritis

My Life Is Now MORE Complete

I just walked past a DHL truck, and inside was a DHL guy, rocking out to "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest! And the DHL guy was no other than...The Japanese Guy in the Indiana Jones Hat!

Just a thought...

We can't all be geniuses, but you know what? We can all still learn to recognize the point where our own particular mediocrity can take us no further.

This has been your feel-good tip of the day. Good night!