Tuesday, August 30, 2005

an aggregated diamond nanorod is forever

a bunch of scientists got together and created a compound known as an aggregated diamond nanorod that has a modulus of 491 gigapascals. regular diamonds only have a modulus of 442 GPa. i don't know what a modulus is, but i gather it has something to do with toughness. i'm also guessing that GPa is short for "gigapascal", which is latin for "a billion pascals".

also, the compound has a twinkle factor of 654 megalumens on the pitfel scale, and rates an unprecedented G on the temprous standard, making it the physical representation of love. potential customers for the ADN's include sony, rumored to want "something shiny" to put in it's next-gen ps3 console.
[from physicsweb via /.]

Monday, August 29, 2005

welcome to the old future

rotary phone lovers and analogue/digital clock haters who still want to be able to know what time it is can rejoice, thanks to japan's maywadenki company. the zihotch dial phone watch is an old-timey rotary phone style device you wear on your wrist. when you want to know what time it is, you dial 1-7-7, and a woman's voice will announce the time (177 is the number you call in japan for this service over a real phone line).

insert funny line about phone/japan/geisha here

via gizmodo

firefox is awesome

i just realized that holding down control and using the scroll wheel increases or decreases font size on certain webpages (including this here blog). there's a long list of ways in which firefox is superior to internet explorer and even safari. anyway, like i said earlier, firefox is awesome. if you don't use it yet, get yr ass over to mozilla.org and...*sigh*...join the revolution.

let the name dropping commence

i'm still in a state of shock over what went down saturday night. for those not in the know, the IO 25th anniversary show/party had some pretty intense and complete technical problems (mostly related to audio) that neither of the newspapers were really willing to forgive (Chicago Tribune- "There was no excuse for what happened", sun-times: IO show suffers snafus improv can't cover)

yes the tech problems were inexcusable, but there was a lot of really great stuff happening, on-stage and off, and at some point today, i'll try to put those out there, too.

as for the name-drop contest we planned, that will trickle in throughout the day. here's the rules:

1. each animal club member can blog ONE post about EACH celebrity they interacted with.
2. a celebrity CAN appear as an accessory in a blogpost about ANOTHER celebrity.
3. posts are graded on coolness in the comments section
4. each post can have a maximum coolness of 10, a low of 0.
5. celebrity status SHOULD NOT NECESSARILY be a deciding factor in how cool a post is (in other words, a david koechner story is just as good as a mike myers story. sorry ruth!)
6. whoever has the most points at the end of the day wins.

get ready. get set. NAME DROP!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

You got a dollar?

If so, let's put our dollars together and buy a United States Basketball League team. They're selling them on ebay and they're going like hotcakes (if hot cakes are the not so exciting place that players go when they're dreams are dashed by pancakes)!

Oh, one more thing. We'll need 48,000 others to toss in a dollar. The minimum bid is $50,000.

Bono and Ravi are at it again!

Speaking of influential musicians, for the first time in what seems like an eternity of waiting, Bono and Ravi Shankar are reportedly finally both finalists in the forerunning of the same award. What award, you ask, are they fighting for? Your answer: The Nobel Peace Prize. Other finalists (these, along with Bono and Ravi, were leaked out, but the names stay secret forever and ever, written in invisible ink on invisible paper) include Pope John Paul II and Colin Powell.

In other news, The Edge and those two other guys bordering The Edge were Nobel snubbed yet again. What does a guy have to do to get a peace prize nowadays?

Friday, August 26, 2005

the countdown was real (and final)

i mentioned "the 8 year old mike balzer favorite rock group countdown" breifly in this post earlier today, and i thought i needed to clarify something.

that countdown was real. seriously.

once a week, i would poll myself on who my favorite rock group was, and would sometimes update my sister if there was a change (of which there were perhaps two). the best part is, the countdown started at 4, and the same 4 groups populated the countdown until i stopped running it in late 1986. the countdown always, always, always looked like this:

#1. Bon Jovi

#2. Stryper

#3. Poison (or Europe)

#4. Europe (or Poison)

if you think this is bad, you should see my "supertape" collection from the early 90's. (supertape is a term coined by republican pittsburgh school board hopeful and childhood bff tom "chugger" baker, and would consist of whatever hot r&b hits were on hot 106 WAMO at the time). not at all sadly, most of these tapes were lost in the great r&b-alternative-indie transmogrification that took place in 1993. i do make the solemn promise that should i ever come across a supertape, i will catalogue and document it here for all to see. it's like coming from a musical ghetto- against all odds, i discovered a taste for good music. so i wear this musical childhood like a badge- like a shameful, embarrassing badge.

unseen benefits of unemployment

unemployment has 0% work-related death rate.

lumberjacks, however, fared somewhat worse. turns out lumberjacking is the deadliest occupation in america, followed by aircracft pilots and fishermen. it also turns out that there still are lumberjacks; a fact that has until now completely escaped my notice.

deck the halls with new emusic

woot! emusic came through just in time for the upcoming seattle trip, and new discs (actual CD's) fill out the first half of this month's new tunes.

• The Kinks: "Muswell Hillbillies"
classic album. "have a cuppa tea" is, like, the best song ever written.
• Miles Davis: "Bitches Brew"
academic music. i had to work hard while listening to it, but it's worth it.
• Sufjan Stevens: "Come On Feel the Illinoise"
people have been gushing about this album for months now, and i finally got around to getting it. believe the hype. soof-yahn's got charisma in spades on this album, and the orchestration surrounding it is mind-blowing at times, inaudible at others.
• Of Montreal: "Sunlandic Twins"
ever since parting ways with most of his core crew, kevin barnes has been taking of montreal to strange new places. satanic panic in the attic seemed like a fun experiement, but it looks like he's committed to the transition, further exploring drum machines and synths on this disc. give me a couple of days to think about it, and i'll tell you how i feel.
• (the rest of) Lewis Black: "Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues"
i had to get the rest of the tracks this month, as i ran out of songs not too long after deciding to get this last month.

still got 20-odd tracks left, which i'll likely blow on singles and old long-lost tracks from high school mix tapes. as that process draws to a close, i'll fill in the blanks.

calling on you!

got a calendar? clear it. got a job? call in sick. got an excuse? no you don't. stryper is coming to town.

stryper is the band that, as you can see, dresses in yellow and black stripey costumes. they're a prototypical 80's christian hair-metal band, and held onto the #2 spot on the "8 year old mike balzer favorite rock group countdown" for forty-seven weeks in 1986 (damn you bon jovi!). their concerts feature fast, hard rock with a religious twist, and they became a crowd favorite for their signature giveaway- tossing small copies of the bible out to their fans from the stage. so if you're all out of tiny bibles, make your way to the house of blues on october 8th, position yourself within the range of lead singer michael sweet's powerful arm, and wait for the greatest stories ever miniaturized and hurled in your general direction to rain down.


famous people

saturday is the big improvolympic 25th anniversary show at the chicago theatre, and the animal club has scored backstage passes. we're all volunteering to be handlers and assistants and what not, so we get to work at the show and hang out at the after party. prepare yourself for a lot of name dropping on sundays blog. maybe, if we're all good, ruth will favor us with a report of what it's like to hang out with mike myers, as she is his handler for the night.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

John Madden

The Football Hall of Fame's Senior Committee just picked two finalists for induction consideration: former Raiders coach John Madden> and former Dallas offensive tackle Rayfield Wright. They will join a pool of fifteen others for possible induction. Three to six will make it. This is the closest Madden's come and he's got the stats to back him:

Coached Raiders from 1969-1978
A 112-39-7 record
.739 winning percentage-2nd among coaches with at least 100 victories (behind only Vince Lombardi)
Won Super Bowl in 1977
Coached greats like Ken Stabler, Dave Casper, Willie Brown, and Fred Biletnikoff

This alone seems enough, in my book, to guarantee him a lasting place in the hall of football legends. That's not even mentioning his 14 Emmy awards for commentating games and his phenomenal football video games that are played by lovers and haters of football alike.

Now, I hadn't been born during his coaching tenure. So, I missed out on this charismatic man's life on the sidelines. But, for me John Madden will always be that sportscaster who uttered phrases as eloquent and picturesque as if he were painting a masterpiece with those words. I can still remember hearing his voice during one particular game. The score and the teams playing slip my mind now, but his commentary still lives inside me, part of the atmosphere of that game. It was a movie-perfect game where the rain falls and the players are soaked-hands, helmets, and jerseys. Mud has replaced grass. And there's determination in every players stride, muddy water erupting from every fresh footprint. A game where all that mattered was sticking a hard hit, finding the gap, and emerging from the mud victorious. During this, John Madden looked down on this perfect example of the essence of football, saw a player with a sun shield connected to his helmet, the raindrops running down in streams, and said, "How do you get so much wet in a thing?"
How indeed.
Best of luck to you, John Madden.

i did it

i went ahead and did it. i'm sorry.


as of right now, google has no listings for "banjofilth". that's a banjoshame. banjofilth is a great name. banjofilth is a great name. i said it twice! if i was starting a bluegrass band, i would name it banjofilth. if i was starting a boy band, i'd name it banjofilth. fuck it. if i was starting a big band, i'd name it banjofilth. i'm going to register the domain for banjofilth.co.uk right now, 'casue how cool would it be if banjofilth was british? and new wavy- kind of like franz ferdinand? how about banjofilth.ru (russia)? banjofilth.ng (niger)? banjofilth.moon (moon)? it would be the first time i'd be first at anything, and technically i'd be second, cause it was shane's idea.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Band Names

I have never been in a band, but I can imagine how hard it must be to come up with an original, catchy, and gripping name in this day and age. Here's some that are still open:

Can of Worms


Learning Spanish

Bucketful of Pete



Melbourne, Tuscaloosa, Abu Dhabi (Or any name of a city)

Names of Cities (Just pulled that one out of the last suggestion.)


Fishstick Jack

Hurdling Treetops (Could work for an album title, too.)



FGP (Or any other madeup acronym. You can figure out the meaning after you get famous.)

Five O'Clock Shadow

Three Legs No Arms

Donkey Punch, Donkey Slap, Donkey Race, Donkey Boat (Anything with Donkey before it.)



Chop Door
Trap Suey

Flux Capacitor

Robots in the Family



Let me know if you've got some others.

Forever Young

Thanks to Oreo cookies, I had been aware for a while that Alexander Hamilton was killed in a duel with Aaron Burr. What Oreo cookies left out is that Hamilton was 49! Forty-nine!! For most people, that's when you start coasting through the remaining eleven years or so of your pointless job and plan for retirement. Not Mr. Hamilton. No sir! No Acapulco for Alexander. He'd rather get a bullet lodged in his abdomen. Heck, I'm 25 years old with nothing to lose and I've yet to exchange fire in my first duel. Alexander Hamilton was a 49 year old founding father on his way to a fantastic pension plan (His face is all over the ten dollar bill, for crying out loud!). Whew, it just makes you stop and think about your life.

Where have I gone? What am I doing with my life? I'm sitting here, eating Funyons and watching Happy Days reruns when I could just as easily take a step outside into the warm rays of the sun, glove slap someone at random, and challenge them to a good old fashioned duel in my backyard at dawn. So, why don't I?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH! If only we could go back in time. Whoever said life wasn't better back then was never shot in the abdomen by Aaron Burr and died in excruciating pain a day later! And all for something seemingly insignificant! Oh, to live so young!

flaming box of stufff

whenever us sketch geeks get together, the conversation inevitably turns to how fucking awesome flaming box of stuff is. this seattle supergroup just plain rocks. their shows are highly stylized, pretty theatrical, consistantly hilarious, and ulitmately inspiring. we have the honor of playing with them in september, opening the seattle sketchfest, and we have exciting news for all our new york peeps.

about 500 people have come out to support us at our various shows in new york over the past year, and every single one of you should go to the upright citizen's brigade theatre in chelsea to see just what sketch comedy is capable of. they've got shows thursday and friday at 8, and saturday at 7:30. you will not regret it.

while we're at it, flaming box's dusty warren is great about promising me hugs. plus, his two man sketch group champagne (also featuring FBoS's troy fischenaller) is doing a show at the pit at 11:00. go to that, too.

do your civic blog duty

it may have escaped your notice like, but lots of blogs are just spam. now blogger's sort of doing something about it. the new blogger flag system lets you police the blogosphere, "flagging" spamblogs. this is like the "adopt a highway" approach to filtering spam, and already fraternities and sororities are hard at work flagging spamblogs as their way of fulfilling the "community service" clause in their charters.

little less will, little less grace

taking cnn's advice, i've turned my gaze inward, wondering aloud what my life will look like, once the staple of my entertainment diet known as "will and grace" goes off the air (apparently sometime soon- i didn't read the whole article, and don't know when the last episode is).

i can still remember the last episode of will & grace i saw. it was the one where jack was being really charactery, and karen was drunk, and will was lonely and grace was lonely, too. and by the end of the episode, they had all remained the same. did i mention that two of the characters were gay?

anyway, will & grace has touched my life in countless ways. litterally. i cannot count the ways that will & grace has touched my life, because will & grace has touched my life zero ways and you can't count to zero.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Lost and Found-a reunion after 39 years

James Lubeck drops his wallet in a harbor off of Boston in 1966 and loses his license and credit cards in the swelling ocean. Fast forward to now, 39 years and millions of mysterious kelp purchases on his credit statement later and Mr. Lubeck has been reunited with his lost cards. If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye than you must not be sensitive about credit cards.

Not James Lubeck-Just Another Man With A Wallet Tale To Tell

What's that, Saddam?

"Life is meaningless without the consideration of faith, hope, love, and inherited history in our nation."
How sweet. And this coming from a man who's on trial for mass genocide.

Troubled Times

Murder, suicide, death in general. How do we escape it? Hey, let's go to prison! Prison death rates are dropping like flies!!

Disbelief in Truth Finally Awarded

Check out the winner and other nominees of 2005's Flat Earth Award, given to a public figure who most vehemently denies the existence of global warming and in-so-doing calls themselves a jackass. This year's nominees include Michael Crichton and Rush Limbaugh.

Iraqi Constitutionism

Iraq's constitution has been put into stall mode yet again. It's become a common occurence whence any deadline arrives in Baghdad. How many more stalls is Iraq in for? Who knows? It's not easy to invent a constitution. We all know that. So, why don't we just give them ours? It's old anyway. We could use a new one (with fancy decals, corporate sponsors, and chrome finish). But, it's as good a place as any for a fledgling democracy like Iraq to start. We could even throw in all of our presidents for that ol' historic flavor. Well, let's keep one. Um...Quincy.

Yeah, we'll keep John Quincy Adams. They'll still get an Adams anyway and we could even throw in Alexi Lalas to sweeten the deal and take Quincy's place.

So yeah, Iraq, if you're reading, please get back to me so we can figure this whole thing out as soon as possible and get you guys coasting along in your brand-new democracy.

Home Again, Home Again. Jiggedy Jig.

So, I'm back from Ohio where I finally got to meet my new niece, Alexandria, for the first time and took part in her and her sister's baptisms. It was splendid and I mean splendid in the happiest of ways. Family, friends, good food. It's always nice to be home. In the night sky over Windsor you can actually see all seven stars in the Big Dipper.

long distance dedication

Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The night we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again


Didn't we have the beat of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We'll never lose it again
Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end


what did pat robertson say today?

a) Hey, Fergie! My shoes is on fire!
b) Blind, blind, blind. Baby hamsters have no eyes.
c) *mumble incoherently*
d) Let's assassinate the leader of a foreign nation!

i do have a friend who is himself a very good person and likes and supports pat robertson, so all apologies to him, but, to paraphrase lewis black: "in the crazy race...robertson lapped himself"

Bad Libs

a little preview of the photo gallery from our trip to the upright citizens brigade:

Tom: What is that?

Scott: It's a (noun). I'm (verb) it.

Tom: Oh. I thought it was a (noun).

Scott: (animal)

Tom: What?

Scott: (different animal)

Tom: Oh.


pittsburgh police use taser to subdue protester (quicktime- will get your blood boiling)

sketch dreams

i'm getting very sick of dreaming about sketch comedy groups. i'm not going into detail, but last night i had another long, realistic dream featuring another one of the "sketchfest circuit" sketch groups. that's three nights in a row, and now i'm getting worried.

Monday, August 22, 2005


i hate to post things from boing-boing two days in a row, but this one would not be ignored.

starlets in chadors

a boing-boing reader found (or found a link to) postcards of western actresses like liv tyler and natalie portman in "proper muslim" garb. hopefully, this cultural exchange will be bilateral, and we can expect to see nekked iranian film babes gracing the cover of maxim next month. i don't care what anyone says, behnaz jafari is fucking hot. Literally! ZING!

tickets on sale

for our upcoming road show dates. pac nw folks can buy tickets to either (or both) of our seattle dates here for only $15.

and pittsburgh fans should hurry and buy tickets for our show at the funny bone, which apparently is called "adventures in improv"? anyway, no we won't be doing any improv, and yes the tickets are $10, and yes there is a two drink minimum, and yes you can get them by calling 412-281-3130. this show will likely sell out, so buy well in advance. we're hoping to be recieved like conquering heroes, so spread the word!

sorry, but the point park shows are "private" affairs for college students and famous alumni, which means we'll have to squeeze all you yunzer AC fans into the one show at the funny bone.

and the strange part is...

it never got weird enough for me.

rip, brother

Counterfeit quarter?

to get change for the el on Saturday, i bought a vanilla frappaccino from the convenience stand inside the el stop. i took the change, and went over to the cta machine to fill my card. i put a single in= $1.00. i put a quarter in= $1.25, and another quarter= $1.50, and the final quarter =$1.50. the machine spit it back out. so i repeated procedure. no dice. Four times i tried putting this quarter into the machine. Then i looked at it. At first glance i thought it was a franc, then maybe a Canadian quarter. Nope. This quarter had the phrase "United States of America Quarter Dollar" on it, but that my friends is where the similarities end. There was no George Washington bust, no states on the back, not even the familiar eagle of the pre-state quarter days. This was clearly a counterfeit quarter. The date on the "heads" side (i'm guessing here, because i have no idea which side is heads if George Washington isn't on it) is 1919, and features what appears to be Alexander the Great standing in front of a log cabin, holding a shield and an olive branch. The "tails" side has a picture of a either a hawk or a condor in flight, with stars around it and the phrase "e pluribus unum" in between it's wings.

A forty second search on the internet has led me to believe that this is, in fact, a rare 1919 "Standing liberty" quarter, worth anywhere from $50 - $1500. so, jackpot? That would buy like 28.57 - 857.14 el rides. i guess i'll call an appraiser today, which is one of the six phrases i thought i'd never say.

sensationalism laid bare

headline of the day: lions and turkeys and bears, oh my! (Yes, you could die)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

on fear and age

i was doing the dishes tonight when i cut myself with a steak knife. this got me thinking about the things that used to scare me but don't anymore, and the inverse. here's some of the highlights:

i used to be scared of:
  • tornadoes
  • knives
  • aliens
  • matches
  • drugs
  • the marianas trench (deepest point on earth)
  • the sun enlarging and swallowing the earth
  • saying "i swear to god"
  • spilling something

  • now i'm scared of:
  • falling down steps
  • being average
  • being alone
  • wasting time
  • the amount of time i've wasted
  • plane crashes

  • i'm taking this list into therapy next week, because i think i'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 26, and i think there's a drug for that. wish me luck.

    Friday, August 19, 2005

    on dreams

    my theory is that dreams are the brain's way of getting unused creativity out. most people's dreams are infinitely more abstract than their daily lives could predict or would normally permit.

    i've had some pretty interesting dream-related stuff going on lately. for one, i've been on a bunch of medications that effected my dreams- over the counter sleeping pills, nicotine patches, and anti-depressants are all said to cause intense dreaming. and that's very true, in my experience. with all three, i've had dreams that were enthusiastically abstract, but "felt" very linear and realistic. last night, for example, i dreamt a combination of theatre anxiety, death anxiety, and bachelorhood anxiety all at once, in a fragmented but chronological style that gave me a sense of creative accomplishment when i woke up.

    the dream started in a basement cabaret somewhere in new york city, where the animal club was supposed to be doing a show. only three of us showed up (me, ruth, and shane), so becky poole from MEAT pitched in and helped out. we did an improvised sketch where we sung a tribute to george w bush, and i remembered looking at becky as if to say "this is where we cross and stare sadly out into the house", and we executed the cross. the sketch bombed, and i felt embarrassed.

    the dream seesawed effortlessly to my parent's basement in pittsburgh, where i was hanging out with the biggest crush of my middle school adolescence, andrea arkin. our "date" was going well, when the best friend of my middle school adolescence, chugger baker, litterally fell down the steps and onto the couch we were sitting on (i'd like to note that the furniture was from my early childhood- bright blue couch, fuzzy green carpet even though the people were all current age). chugger immediately began firing broadside quips at us, and he was KILLING! andrea was being rocked by laughter, and i tried to get in there and use my "comedy" skills, but nothin' doing. chugger had one upped me. shame.

    the scene shifted to ocean city maryland, where chugger, andrea, me, becky, ruth, shane, my parents and sisters, and my dad's friend john behrens were all enjoying vacation together. chugger was still on fire, andrea was smitten, and mike tornetta showed up with our guitars. we went to an open mike night at a beach club, where mike and i played an original song that went over really well. john behrens, who played guitar in the 70's for pittsburgh band fresh blueberry pancake, was so impressed with our work that he gave us all his gear, including the hohner headless guitar that served as his main axe in the 80's cover band the imports.

    that's when i dreamt that some kind of evil mastermind used a tazer to knock out and kidnap andrea. i don't remember how that part resolved. maybe it didn't. the next thing i remember is us (including a rescued andrea) heading back to pittsburgh the conversion van my dad sold in 1997, and the future laid bare filled me with a mix of loneliness, shame and promise.

    and that's when i woke up. all in all, i think martin luther king's dream was better.

    AC XL 200!

    this post marks the 200th blogpost on theanimalclub.blogspot.com. in the four months we've been around, we've taken approximately two months off due to hospitalizations, and our staff of five writers has, for all intents and purposes, been whittled down to two. still, the ambitious summer of a thousand blog posts initiative has reaped benefits, if only in quantitative measures. here's some stats on the first 200 posts of our little blog.

  • last post that wasn't by baz or thunderbelly: mike tornetta's "20 questions with tom, shane and ruth" on April 13th, 2005.

  • most consecutive posts by one author: 15 by baz from april 8 through april 10

  • number of unfinished posts over two months old, still saved as drafts: 3

  • longest gap between baz posts: 43 days (april 25-june 7)

  • more stats to follow

  • i just needed to make this post #200, but have something else to say
  • for tom

    here's a link to a little thing i came across on boing-boing. it's an internet gallery of nyc artist Mark Chamberlain's "gay batman" series. it's old news, dating all the way back to may, but i know for a fact that tom doesn't know about it yet, and once he does, his life will likely be fulfilled. i fully expect to see a full size print hanging in his living room in two months time.


    it's taken


    how old am i? 4? i read a sentence on a message board, and this phrase made chocolate milk squirt out of my nose:

    poodle burgers.

    i kept reading it until the words themselves made no sense to me. it was still funny.

    poodle burgers.

    i should feel bad. my niece is a poodle. i eat hamburgers. why is this phrase funny?

    poodle burgers.

    oh. there. it's not funny anymore. whew! that was close!

    Thursday, August 18, 2005

    Holy Hell!!

    There's two others.

    To Ohio I Go

    Well, I'm off to Ohio tonight. I'm going home to dunk my new god daughter underwater. I'm not too sure how baptisms go really. I think the last one I was at was my own and I was a little too distracted at the time to remember the formalities. Wait, that's not true. I've got two younger sisters. So, I must have been to at least two others. I don't remember them well though. Maybe I was sitting behind some broad-shouldered giant. Who knows?
    Regardless, I'm excited as all to meet my new little niece, Alexandria. So, I'll disappear from the world wide web for a bit, but when I come back on Sunday it'll be with a smile on my face and a bounce in my typing.

    Wesley Craven-can I call him Wesley?

    Wes Craven's Red Eye opens soon in theatres everywhere. Let's take a look at some past Craven features.
    The Hills Have Eyes 1 and 2, A Nightmare On Elm Street and New Nightmare, Vampire in Brooklyn, Scream 1 2 and 3, and, last but not, least-
    Wes Craven's
    Music of the Heart


    Bulgarian archeologists struck gold! 5,000 year old gold to be exact, crafted into 15,000 miniature golden rings in what is now believed to be the site of ancient Troy. The mini rings were so exquisitely crafted that the point where the ring is welded together is actually invisible to a normal microscope. So, maybe The Littles were real after all:

    Leaps and Bounds

    True Story: In an effort to fight terrorism, the British have turned to Mother Nature. Foxes have a remarkably keen sense of smell. So, scientists had been training them to sniff out bombs. The foxes, however, also consulted Mother Nature, who in turn, gave them sharp teeth to bite their trainers until they were put back into their cages where they promptly bit their way to freedom. GO NATURE!

    happy birthday, e=mc2!

    This month, we "celebrate" the 100th anniversary of albert einstein's famous equation "e=mc2". simply put, this equation says that an object's potential energy is equal to the object's mass times the speed of light squared.

    but what does this have to do with comedy, you ask? well, the animal club has a select group of sketches which, for whatever reasons, will never see the light of day. tornetta is fond of the phrase "you'll have to pry the keys to the gate of okay from my cold, dead hands". one such sketch is something i wrote in the fall of 2002, a piece about a boy band called e=mc4, and starring the four greatest scientific minds of the 20th century (einstein, neils bors, robert openheimer and stephen hawking). the punch (if you could call it that) was that stephen hawking was the "bass guy" that does the "girl, i'm so sorry for hurting you" monologue that's in the middle of every decent boy band song. i'm still holding out hope that one day we'll be REAL hard up for material and this thing will get pushed through. either that or i'll kill tornetta and take the keys to the gate of okay, also letting loose our secret weapon- a character known only as "gaycula".

    story courtesy of slashdot

    good bands with animal names

    the animal collective
    andrew bird
    cat power
    mice parade
    the mountain goats
    reindeer section
    the unicorns

    we're living in a media-crazed world

    and i am a media-crazed girl. for those of you not in the know, madonna took a nasty spill off her horse at her 47th birthday party, cracing a couple ribs and breaking her collarbone. we're two days into madonna's horse-gate, and it's still a big story- 710 stories on google news. the media is catching this story from all sorts of fun angles, so i thought i'd try a couple of other madonna and horse related google news searches to see how far the rabbit hole goes. here are my results:

    madonna blows horse = 0 stories
    horse blows madonna = 0 stories
    madonna horse oral sex = 1 story
    madonna horse husband is bad director = 2 stories

    pictured to the right: madonna does a headstand.

    summit big on the horizon

    *editor's note: this post contains no humor.

    later today, the website will be getting it's first update since late june. there will be somewhere around THREE features, a new news page, and some new friends on the links page. i'm posting this now to put some pressure on me to actually follow through. look for it around 3:00 central time. if i fail to deliver, feel free to mock and lambaste right here on theanimalclub.blogspot.com, your blog away from blog.

    Wednesday, August 17, 2005

    A Letter From Bears Training Camp To Rookie Running Back, Cedric Benson

    Dear Cedric,

    Just wanted to write and see how you're doing. Camp is good. Wish you were here, though. I know I don't know you, but I feel like I should what with us being on the same team and stuff. Last night we made smores. You ever make smores? I hope so. They're real good. We play football mostly, though. It's fun. What do you mostly do since you're not here? I hope it's fun. Hopefully you'll get everything worked out soon. I'd hate for you to miss any more fun. But, I suppose you're right about not coming to camp until you get paid properly. The millions already offered to you isn't very much and you deserve more. Cuz how can you put a price on a person? As far as I'm concerned, the whole team deserves infinity dollars. So keep fighting the fight and we'll go on being a team here at camp. Some of the guys are talking about having a pillow fight later on tonight. I don't know. Sounds kind of unruly to me. What are you gonna do tonight?

    Hugs and kisses,
    Patrick Mannelly, Offensive Tackle #65

    PS Some of the guys started singing this song with the coach's name. I thought you'd like it.
    Lovie, lovie,
    Bo bovie,
    Banana fanana,
    Fo fovie,
    Me my mo,

    News from England

    The sad, true story of a British man who stole 160 pairs of panties from drawers and clotheslines all over the little English Isles of Scilly and how his empire of underwear crumbled.

    And this...

    Moments ago, while searching for a picture of mascots, I came upon this:

    Apparently, it's an acronym for Michigan Acute Stroke Care Overview Treatment Surveillance systems. But, I thought, "why couldn't the outline of Michigan be a mascot?" Why not any state outline, for that matter? It's a great way to get past this problem that professional and collegiate teams are having with using offensive stereotypes. I'd pay good money to see a team like the Notre Dame Outline of Iowas. Who wouldn't?

    Mascot Hall of Fame

    Congratulations to the three mascots who have been inducted into the all-new Mascot Hall of Fame. The inductees were San Diego's Famous Chicken, the Phillie Phanatic, and the Phoenix Suns' Gorilla. It must be an amazing feeling. Their induction speeches may be bland as I've never seen a mascot talk, but nevertheless, you nothing can take away from this great honor. I mean they beat out fellow candidates, Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald. Pretty impressive.
    Then, you dig a little deeper and you find a pile of conspiracy in mascot land. Apparently the hall is run and founded by-du du du-DAVE RAYMOND-du du du-the original Phillie Phanatic-du du du! Shame on you Dave Raymond. No offense to the Phanatic, but you'd think old-timers like Mickey and Ronald would get the go-aheads in the inaugural year of the hall of fame. For shame. What happens if Ronald and Mickey don't make it another year? Post humus mascot induction?

    Mascots React in Horror at the News

    Old And Loving It

    Yesterday, Bobby Bragan of the minor league Fort Worth Cats became the oldest manager of a professional baseball team, beating Connie Mack (who managed his last game in 1950) by 8 days. Impressively, in the same inning of that historic game, Bragan became the oldest manager ejected from a game. The umpire, in a surprising twist, threw him out not for being too old, but for excessive arguing. Oh, those old coaches.
    Connie Mack had this to say, "...."

    i will protect your anonymity

    We're going back to anonymous comments. Switching to registered-user only comments did nothing to slow down the spambots, so we'll just grin and bear it. Besides, it's fun exercising administrator privileges. so, welcome back faceless denizens of the web- we welcome your wit with wide wopen warms*.

    *this alliteration was clearly forced. i apologize.

    that was a first

    my pen ran out of ink a few minutes ago. i tried scribbling for a while, trying to resuscitate it, and got a few extra pages out of it. then it died again, only this time, there was no bringing it back. i casually picked it up, and as i let it drop into my trash bin, i realized i had no memory of ever throwing a pen away before. could i have possibly gone 26 years without throwing a pen away? surely i'd done this before. i think i may have had mass burials for the drawer full of pens that were dead. in fact, i'm sure i've done that a few times, but i'm equally sure i've never thrown an individual pen away. 26 years and life can still suprise you.

    guess what?

    bernie mac is shilling for the public library system! his pitch comes in "urban" and "contemporary" flavors, and starts off with the most cheerful "HEY! I'm Bernie Mac!!" you could imagine. it's so exciting and happy and inspiring that it's making it harder and harder for me to hate libraries.

    sean combs changes name again

    it's just diddy now, okay? i was going to write an elaborate paragraph about how he was going to shorten diddy to just "did" next year, making him the first musician to use a past-tense verb for their name, but what happened along the way was funnier than that.

    i couldn't figure out what article of speech "did" was. my first guess was verb, but that seeemed too easy, so i thought maybe it was an adverb. then i realized i didn't know exactly what an adverb was. moreover, i wasn't sure if "did" was plain old past-tense or past-perfect, and then i realized i didn't know what past-perfect meant either, which means that if i ever came across a past-perfect adverb, i wouldn't know it.

    i started researching it, but then i noticed that the information i was seeking was appropriate curriculum for 7th grade english, and that was too just depressing to continue. i suppose years of sketch and web writing has eroded my grammar skills to bedrock, with my reliance on calculators giving me math skills to match. i had been considering going back to cmu and finishing my hisotry degree, but it would appear that a quick stop at middle school would be required first. huzzah to public education!


    i just heard that the phone number for congress is:
    1-877-762-8762 which, using letters, is 1-877-SOB-U-SOB. try it. apparently, it works. truth, again, is stranger than fiction.


    oh yeah. last night at 1:34 AM central time, i completed my master work. 100% completion in grand theft auto: san andreas. i thought that i would be a little sad to see it go, but i'm not. why? because i'm STILL NOT FINISHED!

    i've decided to take 100% complete to only mean 80% complete. i'm going to complete the things you don't need to complete so i can at last feel complete. here's what i'll be doing in my free time for the next month or so:

    1. dating and having sex with all the girlfriends
    2. finding and completing all the unique jumps
    3. doing the two triathalons
    4. finding all the flowers
    5. importing all the cars
    6. tricking out all the lowriders and street racers
    7. getting $99,999,999
    8. buying all the clothes
    9. getting all the tattoos
    10. doing the endurance races
    11. getting gold medals in all the schools

    then, and only then, 100% complete will i be.

    i realize that i have a problem. i need help. i submit to a higher power. i must call my friends and make ammends...

    Tuesday, August 16, 2005

    to our shame

    yesterday, on the way back from the airport, we got onto the subject of anal sex in alleyways, to which tom 2 had this nugget of awesome to add:

    "no! you'd have a baby. an alley ass baby. they're awful. trust me. i had one. they're hard to kill."

    laptops incite riot

    a schoolboard's program to sell old ibooks for $50 each turned HILARIOUS yesterday when a mob of compu-crazed suburbanites shoved old ladies to the ground and trampled baby strollers in the mad rush to get their hands on one of the four year old laptop computers.

    and this was just phase one of the sale, restricted only to school board taxpayers. in a few months, they'll do the whole thing over only this time, anyone can show up and lay down a grant and walk out with a computer. scratch that. be wheeled out while sucking their food through a straw, a trickle of blood escaping from their lips, one eye swollen shut and the other reddened from gouging, their useless legs bent in places no joint exists, a neck brace securing their now-fragile spine and a series of bags to collect their bodily wastes, with a computer.

    Add this one to the list with 'santa'.

    Alas, he isn't real. Or so says google.

    Bombs and Babies

    A scene at an airport:

    "Yeah you!"

    "You in the diaper!"


    Shots are fired. People hurt. Crying, delays in flights, and general annoyances ensue.

    This scenario, according to the Chicago Tribune is happening all too often these days as government officials find more and more names on the no-fly list belong to children under the age of two. Many can't talk or even walk and what's more appalling-most can not properly use a toilet. So, how do these babies become terrorists? We know for a fact that the parents aren't terrorists. Why? Because their names are not on the no-fly list. So, if it isn't genetics, then what is it? And how do we prevent future infants and toddlers from becoming terrorists?

    These questions are easy to ask, but the answers, I'm afraid, are not so easy to find. All we can do is speculate. And have no fear, we've got some of the best speculators right here in the US of A. Here are some possibilities for stopping infant terrorists:

    *Better Sonograms-perhaps fitted with a state-of-the-art fetal terrorist detector. this way we can cuff them and send them off to guantanamo bay the second after we cut their terrorist umbilical chords.

    *Install Metal Detectors And Video Cameras In Day Cares Across America-block tower or missile silo? you tell me.

    *Random Diaper Checks-sure, diapers are there for a reason, but are baby terrorists taking advantage of their poop catchers?

    *Fix the damn no-fly list so that babies stopped getting needlessly anal searched.

    god insulted by cnn headline

    now, abdul to face ultimate judge


    occasionally, i read the "big blogs" looking to see what's going on "under the radar", and today's fark was led off with a post originating from my hometown's nbc affiliate, wpxi. oh great, i thought, here we go again.

    here again indeed.

    a couple of western pa natives had their wedding at the drive-thru of a mcdonalds. apparently that's where they met, and apparently that's romantic. anyway, the judge legalized their union with, and i quote, "Before their friends, family, the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, I pronounce you husband and wife."

    now ask yourself; why would you invite a convicted hamburger thief to your wedding at mcdonalds? isn't that like inviting a pedophile to your kid's communion? only much worse? you might think having an authority figure like mayor mccheese there would keep the hamburglar in line, but remember that the hamburglar doesn't steal because he likes to, he steals because he needs to, and mayor mccheese's head is like the hope diamond of hamburgers. so the ceremony ended with the hambuglar strangling the honorable mccheese to death, severing his giant hamburger head with a spork, and running off into the sunset leaving a ketchup and/or blood trail for law enforcement to follow. *sigh* only in pittsburgh.

    i won't watch. i won't buy.

    further proof that translated japanese truth is funnier than native english fiction. from the latest anti-piracy psd running in japanese movie theatres:


    (Picture of girl looking sad.)
    Girl: "Movies are being stolen."
    Girl: "Our enjoyment (of movies) is being stolen."

    (Black tear appears on girl's face.)
    Girl: "Important things will be destroyed."

    Text: I want to protect movies, I want to protect our enjoyment (of movies).

    (Tear runs down girl's face, drops into water and skull appears. Fades to image of eroding film.)

    Text and voiceover: Pirate movie eradication campaign

    (Closeup of girl's eyes)

    Text: Don't watch or buy illegal downloads and pirated DVDs
    Girl: I won't watch, I won't buy (pirated movies)

    link to article
    link to quicktime movie
    via boing-boing

    are you ready for some football?

    ahhh, football. when a young man's fancy turns to face-painting and chest-thumping and disproportionate pride in an organization that doesn't know you exist.

    it may not be the norm in the comedy world, but there are two sports nuts in the animal club, those being me and shane "thunderbelly" portman. among the three and a half major sports, football is where we have the most overlap, both enjoying the hell out of espn classic's near constant running of steve sabol's "great moments in the nfl" series, and both being able to enjoy watching a football game, no matter who's playing. the trouble is that shane is from outside cleveland and i'm from pittsburgh. if we didn't have the comedy thing to throw our passion into, it's highly likely that this geographic disparity would have led us to blows by now, and i would have lost. but somehow, we're able to temper the blood feud, and even enjoyed watching the steelers-browns playoff game in 2002 together.

    still, it's my duty as a pittsburgher to kick a cleveland fan while they're down, so here's to another pathetic losing season, shane. i wonder if bernie kosar would consider coming back for the year. if not, there's always vinny testaverde, who's qb rating passing to steelers defensive backs is higher than to his own wide outs. and when tim couch parked my car for me when i went out for steak this weekend, i tipped him with one of his rookie cards, which i had been using to make motorcycle noises on my bike.

    Monday, August 15, 2005

    come on you fucking geeks


    to end global warming (seriously)- JUMP!
    to extend daylight hours (Seriously)- JUMP!
    to shift earth into a better orbit (seriously) JUMP!
    might as well JUMP! (JUMP!)

    Saturday, August 13, 2005

    An unlikely duo

    (The 2005 People's Choice Award for Best Pairing of a Washed-Up Diva and a Former Soviet President (from left to right): Whitney Houston, Mikhail Gorbachev edging out Dionne Warwick and Boris Yelstin.)

    Mikhail: I have all your albums. I love Shoop Shoop from Waiting to Exhale Soundtrack.

    Whitney: Ohhh, thanks. You're sweet. Sorry about your wall.

    Friday, August 12, 2005

    Pimento? I don't even know her.

    Last night, there was confusion in the house. Chad was pretty sure pimentos were man-made fillers for green olives. And he had some good points (every piece is the same size and they apparently taste funny). And who am I to argue anyway? I don't know what a pimento's life is like pre-olive-until now that is. Pimento is actually Spanish for 'pepper' which makes sense since that's what pimentos are-peppers. Seems like a pretty bland name. But, that's the Spanish for you or whoever named it pimento-that's them for you.


    Of all my friends and acquaintances, I think I am the most James Buchanan-like. And I don’t think that’s a self-righteous statement, if only because it’s true. Sure, Jimmy from work was given the same first name and Doug has the same last name, but who among you can deny that we share the same month of birth.? And that’s not where the similarity ends. No sir, that’s only the beginning. James Buchanan and I also share the same hair and that nineteenth century-blue-eyed-stare. And maybe more importantly, there’s obviously something inside my soul-something uncannily James Bucananish. Perhaps it’s a love for high collars or that we’ve both spent some time in Pennsylvania. But, I think it goes even deeper than that.
    True, we come from different backgrounds and our births are separated by one hundred and eighty-eight years, eleven months, and twelve days, but we’re connected by something that time and social differences can’t touch. Both of us grew up with kids who spent all their childish days dreaming of becoming firemen and police officers and doctors and nurses and what have you. James and I had bigger things on our mind. We spent nights dreaming of becoming the fifteenth president.

    Brook Pridemore

    A friend of ours in New York recommended this fella, Brook Pridemore. Apparently, he's a coffee shop/lounge legend in the Big Apple. I've liked what I've heard so far and he's coming to Chi-town August 17th and 18th at the Pontiac Cafe and Frank's Bar, respectively (both shows start at 8 pm). Check him out if you can.

    Thursday, August 11, 2005


    After months and months of soaring temperatures and humidity up the wazoo, we finally have some precipitation today! People are getting soaked in downpours and smiling and laughing about it all. Yes, there is hope again in Chicago. It's wet!! YEAH!!! There's genuine happiness in the city of wind today. If you're under five feet it's impossible to tell the difference between rain and the tears of joy falling from passers-by. Ah, sweet, sweet redemption. Will tomorrow bring more heat? Who knows? But, for today, at least, Chicago has rain.

    Biggest of Fishes

    Last night, I popped in Tim Burton's Big Fish. And like each time before, I was caught up in the story and, by the end, was completely moved. I went to bed with that fuzzy, floating feeling that comes from being inspired. It's just one of those films that deserves to be watched over and over if only just so you can experience all those little intricacies again-that life is what you make it. Giants can be good and dreams can be accomplished with ambition and love of life.

    Today, I awoke and read in the paper that Matthew McGrory, the gentle giant of the film, passed away at the age of 32. I can't find anything on the internet about how he passed away. But, I did find these things out about his life. He was 7' 6'' and is in the Guinness Book of World Records for world's largest feet (size 29 1/2). He was raised in West Chester, Pennsylvania and attended law school at Widener University. The Guinness nod in 1992 and, since then, he warmly embraced all that came his way. On his website, although it hasn't been updated in a while, you can feel how content and excited he was with what life's given him.

    The Big Fish Website has this to say of him:
    "Matthew McGrory is a talent who towers above the rest. His intimidating first impression is quickly dissolved upon speaking to this soft spoken individual whose heart is as distinct as his presence..."
    "Being the youngest of 4 children, Matthew's parents and siblings continue to be the inspiration and motivation for his talents and continued success. They never let Matthew get away with feeling sorry for himself due to some of his physical limitations. Instead, they encouraged and supported all of Matthew's artistic abilities. To this end, Matthew often enjoys giving back to his community through speaking at schools and children's hospitals. He encourages diversity and the idea that one can achieve whatever one sets their mind to."

    Holy Pierogi!

    Regular Old Non-Holy Pierogies

    Apparently, the second coming is under way. The savior was sighted in Ohio in a woman's burned pierogies (or at least one of them). Did she immediately call her local church? Nope. She froze it for a while and then put it up on E-Bay with a starting price of $500 because a Jesus Pierogi doesn't belong in a house in Ohio. It belongs in a museum or a church or an online casino.

    Charred food may just be the trendy way to visit this world from Heaven. After all, it wasn't so long ago that Mary appeared in a burned grilled cheese sandwich (the devout chef would only accept $28,000 for it), so why not a pierogi? But, what's the message here? What are they trying to say-these grilled cheese Marys and pierogi Jesuses? Should we stop eating potato filled pasta? Or sandwiches made with only dairy products? Both? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Madness!!! Why won't the pierogi speak?!! Speak!! What happens if we never figure out the point of these edible saviors and blessed virgins? What happens when goldenpalace.com stops buying them? And what of these holy chefs? Are they living saints? Does everything they cook turn into Jesus or Mary? If so, why aren't they at more church banquets? So many questions. What if none of these ever get answered? What then?

    I suppose we'll just have to admit that sometimes we want to believe that charred food is more than it really is. We want to believe that the burning wasn't all for naught, that it's not our fault. We didn't burn it. The Lord burned it. And just like that, guilt turns a minor cooking mishap into a miracle*. But, sometimes a burn is just a burn and we need to learn to forgive ourselves.

    *Also, sometimes people are just greedy bastards!

    Walk of Fame you say?

    If you were to take a stroll down the ol' Hollywood Walk of Fame you'd likely come across such legends as Jack Benny, Ingrid Bergman, Alec Guiness, and Lucille Ball. And then you've got Drew Carey, Michael Bolton, and Ward Bond. Yes, the Walk of Fame is a sidewalk dedicated to those who've touched us and/or changed the face of entertainment. People like Ryan Seacrest, Pat Sajak, and Leeza Gibbons. You won't, however see the names of Clint Eastwood, Julia Roberts, Robert Redford, Howard Hughes, Mel Gibson, Jane Fonda, Francis Ford Coppola, or 1/3 of the cast of 'Three Men and a Baby' (Steve Guttenberg). Now, Julia declined the offer, so there's that. But, why not all the rest? Don't any of them stack up to the impact of Leeza Gibbons? Let's take a look at how some of their careers and compare:

    -Leeza Gibbons-
    Robocop 2
    Entertainment Tonight
    Leeza Talk Show

    -Jane Fonda-
    2 Oscars
    5 Oscar Nominations
    Too Many Films and Aerobic
    Workout Videos to Even List

    -Steve Guttenberg-
    The Chicken Chronicles
    The Boys From Brazil
    Can't Stop the Music
    The Man Who Wasn't There
    Police Academy
    Police Academy 2
    Bad Medicine
    Police Academy 3
    Short Circuit
    The Bedroom Window
    Police Academy 4
    Amazon Women on the Moon
    Three Men and a Baby
    High Spirits
    Cocoon: The Return
    Don't Tell Her It's Me
    Three Men and a Little Lady
    The Big Green
    Home For The Holidays
    It Takes Two
    Zeus and Roxanne
    Casper: A Spirited Beginning
    Home Team
    P.S. Your Cat is Dead
    The Stranger
    Winter Break
    Domino One

    next day decor

    purely out of financial need, some guy decided to make all his furniture out of fed ex boxes. i think it's pretty rad. the kids at slashdot were pretty upset at the fact that FedEx got mad at the dude for violating the DMCA (digital millennia copyright act). ahh, the things geeks will do and/or argue about.

    Wednesday, August 10, 2005


    Roswell Season 3 just come out on DVD!!!! For 7 of the 8 inhabitants of the Animal Club commune this means a celebration!!! Finally, after months and months of waiting, we will learn the answers. We will know what lies in store for Max, Isabelle, Michael, Liz, Maria, Kyle, and all the other people we've grown to know and love in Roswell, New Mexico. In it's three seasons, this show never really took off and that's understandable in a way. The WB network + teen angst + aliens doesn't neccessarily sound like an equation for success. And looking at the words on their own, it seems pretty awful from my view, too. But, as fate would have it, this series found us. Mike T. and Bethany stumbled onto a couple of rerun episodes (the series aired from 1999-2002) on Sci-Fi and soon, we were all taken to it like salt to slugs.

    The first two seasons (bought with what little money was found in cushions and pockets) were watched in breakneck speed. We were addicted like kittens on crack. We laughed. We cried. We cheered and we shouted angrily. It's ridiculous how attached we became. There's been a few addictions for me in the past (Seinfeld, Early '90's SNL, Arrested Development, and flings with rerun marathons of Cheers and All in the Family), but never have I left the television set and found myself anxious and twitching, eager to know what was going to happen to my friends. Yes, my friends. Late nights were spent because it didn't feel right to leave them. We were late for work and rushed home as soon as we could. We dreamt Roswell, talked Roswell, ate Roswell. And you know what? It was worth every minute. If you haven't seen it, check it out. But, make sure you have the time to watch back to back to back to back episodes. Chad snuck a laptop computer into his work so that he could watch episodes in a storage closet.

    A Starbucks Traveler

    Winter had always been an ambitious man or so I'll say. I've never met him. But, Winter (yes, just plain Winter. simple, freezing, awesome) has set his sights on sipping coffee from every corporate owned Starbucks in the world. He knows not why, but answers the call because he must. It's his quest. His crusade and since 1997, he's been to 4,775 stores in North America and 213 ones in various other parts of the globe (Spain, England, France, and Japan to name a few). That leaves 727.

    Just think how the world has changed in those eight years since he started. Wars have been fought. Babies have been born. Miracle cures have been discovered. Scientists have made leaps and bounds. Ipods were invented and McDonalds started selling salads. You've got to wonder how much all of these owe to Winter's global coffee-trotting. Data hasn't been released yet concerning inspiration spawned from Winter's quest. But, just think what this world will be like when he's sipped that last latte. People in Dallas to Fort Lauderdale to New Delhi to Hong Kong to Sydney to Reykjavik and so many more will be united by one man who sipped Raspberry Vanilla Lattes with Soy Milk from them all (and had a piece of low fat blueberry cake from half of them). Wow. Now, there's a man on a mission. God speed, Winter, god speed.

    Speaking of beer vendors...

    Here's an article from the Sports Pickle on why we should keep a closer eye on these characters.

    Take me out to the ballgame...

    You love beer and you love baseball. And there's one person linking the two together-the local beer vendor. For too long these unsung heroes have gone unnoticed. But, no more. Two brothers, Dan and Peter Bragiel, have made a website devoted to the beer vendors of Wrigley Field. Perhaps it'll spread and we'll soon know beer vendors across the entire big league. But for now, swing by (pun,pun,pun)*, learn the names, and memorize the stats.


    GTA update

    my persuit of 100% completion in the world's greatest video game is drawing to a close. not a fortnight after fearing i'd lost my drive, a four day push has brought my completion percentage to a robust 93.05%. my remaining chores:

    1. gold medals in some schools (car, boat, bike)
    2. stadium events (blood ring, etc)
    3. courier (san fiero, las venturas)
    4. lowrider challenge
    5. vehicle missions (pimping, burglaries, taxi)

    as excited as i am about my impending accomplishment, i'm not looking forward to having nothing to look forward to. i'm also a little worried about pulling a 50 hour session and dying, then becoming the butt of leno-esque one-liners on some sketch comedy group's blog. damned if you do, damned if you don't, i suppose.

    Il Fait Chaud

    According to the US Drought Monitor, the state of Illinois, much like the rest of this nation is in an "extreme drought" situation. That's right, we have a drought monitor here in the US of A! Who knew? Seems like a pretty easy job. Get up in the morning, drive somewhere, ask the residents of said somewhere these simple questions taken from the Official US Drought Monitor Handbook:

    Do you have water?

    Has it rained?

    Once you've obtained the answers, you use this key to decipher:

    2 Negatives = DROUGHT


    dude, where's my "R"?

    what gives? i've suddenly got a nasty case of forgetting letters. i scanned thru the past couple days worth of blog-bidness, and i swear i missed an important letter in each one. the most recent example i've got is calling west nile disease "wet nile disease".

    i'm blaming this one on zoloft, which makes it side effect #5.

    odd job

    google news had a couple stories on west nile disease, and had this image attatched:

    of all the jobs i've heard of, "mosquito bite stock photography model" might be among the worst. how much could this guy (gender assumption based on arm hair and skin texture) have cleared for this shoot? $500 plus usage? damn. and since i know a hand model, i know that there are very specific body part models in the photo world- there was likely an audition where the photographer, art director and higher-ups of the company that did the shoot looked at people's forarms, and said things like, "i don't know, it just doesn't feel right, you know?", and "i'm not sure this arm says "malaria", and "i have a picture in my head of the forearm we need, and i just haven't seen it yet".


    Gerry Bucci, Forearm Model for the FirstImpression stock photography services division of InSight Media Ltd., died today of yellow fever. He was 52.

    ch-ch-ch changes!

    sorry about this, but annonymous comments are being turned off. the spambots are on to us, and i don't find spam nearly as entertaining as i used to. so from now on, i guess you have to register if you want to post a comment. sorry.

    heads up...

    to those video gamers i know well (mike tornetta) and well enough to know they love video gaming (geoff of elephant larry) and i guess myself (me)...

    south korean video games himself to death

    after 50+ consecutive hours of video games, little sleep, little food or drink, and countless in-game deaths, he suffered a real one. i'd like to have a leno-off on this subject if we can. do yr best to predict jay's inevitably lame punch line to the story with one caveat- the "koreans eat dogs" gag is off limits. ready. set. JOKE!

    six degrees of relevance ii

    1. Gates' Microsoft wins, Richter spammer pays: $7 million -to-
    2. Lost it in space: Andy's dad orders him to bed

    1. Gate's Microsoft wins, Richter Spammer pays: $7 million
    2. Andy Richter
    3. Lost it in space: Andy's dad orders him to bed

    since that was so easy, i've decided to ratchet it up, here comes six degrees of relevance +1 (connecting three stories in six steps)

    1. Spectator : Woods watching resumes -to-
    2. Jackson lawyer slates juror doubt -to-
    3. Skin Cancers Increasing in Young Adults

    1. spectator: woods watching resumes
    2. tiger woods is black
    3. michael jackson is black
    4. jackson lawyer slates juror doubt
    5. lawyers are a cancer of society
    6. skin cancers increasing in young adults.

    this is far too easy to be amusing. i'll admit i'm reaching today- i missed a dose of zoloft, and am feeling less inclined to be funny. plus, it seems like today's headlines are the same as yesterdays. i hereby forbid anyone from playing the six degrees of relevance game ever again. lame, lame, lame, lame, lame.

    Tuesday, August 09, 2005

    worst. tagline. ever.