Wednesday, June 29, 2005

i have a bad feeling about this...

slashdot reports that mr. jamie reed, copeland's newly elected representative in britain's house of commons gave a pleasant introductory speech at assembly, where he politely thanked his colleagues for the opportunity to debate, paid tribute to his predecessor, claimed himself to be a jedi, talked about copeland's beauty and the important needs of his constituents, while every single other representative in assembly mumbled to eachother, "did he just call himself a jedi?"

in fairness, mr. reed merely subscribes to the "jedi religion" that gained internet fame a few years with a massive emailing and write in campaign for the australian census. also in fairness, even though i don't know any of the specifics of the jedi religion, i can say with 100% certainty that it can't be any stupider than scientology

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Helicopter Love

Dear CBS,

Recently, I was flipping through the TV Guide and, for the first time, in what must be years, I didn't see AirWolf listed. Is this a mistake or have you canceled the best body of work that Jan Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine ever did together? Shame on you if you pulled the plug and, if you didn't, then shame on TV Guide for not publishing the show times (In that case, would you be so kind as to put this letter into the TV Guide addressed envelope I have provided?)! The story of Stringfellow Hawke isn't just the story of a helicopter pilot for the CIA-just like AirWolf wasn't just a helicopter. It was a helicopter with missiles and machine guns!! In fact, here's a brief synopsis:
"A top-secret division of the CIA known as 'The Firm' has built a hi-tech, weapons-laden new helicopter called 'Airwolf', but after the chopper's test flight, the craft's twisted creator, Dr. Moffet, turns the lethal firepower onto the flight tower, before taking off in the chopper with his two co-pilots to Libya. Archangel, the head of the division who built Airwolf, is badly wounded in the assault but not out of the game, and calls upon ace combat pilot Stringfellow Hawke to take the task of bringing back Airwolf from Libya, where Moffet is using it to destroy for his own sadistic pleasure. Hawke nowadays is a recluse, living only with his dog Tet in a cabin in the mountains, since his brother St. John's disappearance in the Vietnam War..."
Sounds like America to me. Pure, unadulterated America! And that's just the pilot episode (And I have never been so adamant of anything as I am when I say that pun was NOT intended!). CBS, I beg of you-look into the eyes of this stellar cast and tell me you don't believe in them. I don't think you can. I don't think anyone can.

That man has a business suit and a patch, damn it! He's dapper! And mysterious!! You can't buy that kind of costuming!!!!

A Concerned Viewer

happy archduke assassiversary!

can you believe it's been 91 years since archduke ferdinand and his lovely wife susan were assassinated? man, where does the time go?

i wanted to give them something, but i was afraid to get the gift wrong- you know how you get gold on your fiftieth and silver on your twenty-fifth and what not? so i consulted the internet, and found this year-by-year guide to anniversary gifts. unfortunately, they only go up to sixty, so i had to do some math and come up with combinations that would fulfill my gift requirement. here are some of the choices:

1. an origami bracelet decorated with diamonds and pearls in the shape of bullets (60 [diamonds]+ 30 [pearls] +1 [paper])
2. 10 pots and a certificate of authenticity (9 [pottery] x 10 + 1 [paper])
3.. a flight of 17 stairs with a heated wrought-iron bar bent to resemble neon, spelling out the phrase "this way to the POWDA KEG! (5 [wood] x 17 + 6 [iron])
4. an elaborate teddy with a steel plated chastity belt, pearls in the shape of an arrow pointing towards the nether regions, elephant tusks over each breast, and copper racing stripes (40[ivory] + 13[lace] + 11[steel] + 7[copper] + 30 [pearls]
5. a piece of reef coral with steel beams and sapphires all jammed up in it (35 [coral or jade] + 45 [sapphires] + 11 [steel])

anyone else want to pitch in?

bad news, mike tornetta

avril leveen (i don't care how you spell it) is engaged! to some guy from sum 41 or blink 182 or smokestack 765 or some other pop punk band that starts with a word and ends with a number.

this is big news for several reasons. obviously, there's the inevitable "private" sex tape that'll make it's way to blankets manned by asian ladies in the new york subway system by labor day, but more importantly, if they conceive, the child could be that foretold in the prophecy recorded in 1976 by foghat bassist craig mac gregor

"and lo
from the north lands a vixen
of pure face
overly reliant on the third finger

and lo
from the great mecca
a man of modest renown
hair towering to the skies

begat a child
with the power to undo
all that we have done

the sun shall set in the east
the rain shall fall from the ground
the river's flow and the ocean's tide
the desert's rain and the beggar's pride

what child is this
the clock tolls nigh
at last it seems
rock and roll has died"

so, that's something to look forward to. i know that's not much comfort to those of you (mike tornetta) who fancied yourselves avril's betrothed, but i don't know how to finish this sentence in a way that makes you feel better. i guess if you want to land a hot, barely legal, barely punk musician, you'll have to yourself be a hot, barely legal, barely punk musician. that said, i'd like to be the first in the blogosphere to wish avril and her sk8er boi the best of luck with their short, short marriage.

Monday, June 27, 2005

oh for fuck's sake

scientists create zombie dogs

"thanks" to slashdot for bringing this one to my attention. and thanks to my hometown for apparently being responsible for it all. there's some irony there, you know. the best known zombie flick of all time, "night of the living dead" was co-written and directed by pittsburgh native george romero, and was set in and shot at monroeville mall (which is coincidentally a few blocks away from my sister's new house). so pittsburgh just might turn out to be the site of the first zombie holocaust. it would likely be a boon to the local economy.

*note: i couldn't decide if fuck's should be spelled "fuck's" or "fucks". they both look wrong. anyone know what the propper spelling would be in this situation?

TIME magazine screws up cliché

Rehnquist Throws Down The Gavel, But Not The Towel

cancer schmancer

apparently americans have been thinking about cancer all wrong. according to a recent study and subsequent online article, americans believe a bunch of myths about cancer like...

• surgically removing cancer causes it to spread through the body
• there's a cure, but the government and drug companies are holding it back to make money.
• cancer's color under natural light is magenta-ish
• if you have cancer and you sneeze on someone, they'll get cancer, too
• riding a cancer patient's bike would give you cancer
• doctors listen to classical music in operating rooms because it helps them relax
• cancer is deadly

when actually...

• surgically removing cancer removes cancer from your body
• there is no cure, and the government really wishes there was
• cancer's color under natural light is brown or black
• if you have cancer and sneeze on someone, they'll get aids
• riding a cancer patient's bike is a situation not likely to come up in real life
• doctors listen to classical music in operating rooms because they're elitist snobs
• actually, yeah cancer is pretty deadly.

for more information on cancer, i recommend you google cancer.

Thursday, June 23, 2005


whoa! this is the coolest thing that's happened to us in a while.

there's this internet phenomenon that has a name (at least to geeks) where you register a domain name that is a misspelling of an actual domain name (such as anyway, apparently this blog is worthwhile of such deception.

by bible thumpers, no less.

seriously! check it out:

how fucking cool is that? hail satan! (just kidding! about satan!)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Distinguished Friends Of The Same Calling

Sometimes we forget I suppose, but along with being a sketch group, we are a animal club. While we may be the only sketch group named The Animal Club (and I do stress may), there are many other Animal Clubs throughout this wide, wide world of ours. In honor of this fact, here are some Animal Clubs you can find on the web simply by googling "Animal Club".

This helpful sight has tips on how you too can make an Animal Club even if you don't live near this one. Tips like:

Decide on the Activities and Projects Your Club Will Focus
"Write down and discuss everyone's ideas. Choose the best ones." A warning: DO NOT CHOOSE THE WORST ONES! Why? Well, I'll leave that for PAWS to answer.

There are even foreign clubs- like this one from Japan. Although, I can't read it, it's cute and pink and definitely involves a bunny, a cat, and a monkey. There's even an Animal Club in faraway lands like Canada.

And googling Animal Club opens your eyes to things beyond clubs even. Take, this, for instance. Did you know that there are ANIMAL CLUB HEADCOVERS FOR YOUR GOLF CLUBS?!!! No? Well, google found not one, not two, but at least THREE different versions!

And look-ANIMAL CLUB GLUE!! Now, you can go ahead and glue those head covers together!

Let's not forget about The Animal Band. Although technically not a club, but the lead singer definitely wears a tiger suit coat-which is A-Okay in my book.

So yeah, support our fellow Animal Clubs if you can and if you happen to type too fast, no worries. There are some great entries for Animal Cloob, Clud, and Clurg.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Toot Da Da Tooooot!!!!!!

Yesterday, June 19th 2005, my niece, Alexandria Portman was born!!!!! Measuring 20 inches and weighing in at 7.5 pounds, she's a cute little bundle of happiness. I am in such awe. It's amazing to think that the next time I go home there will be a brand-new tiny, wrinkly-faced person there. I am so excited! I have yet to see her and I'm all ready in love with her!!
And after watching all the movies, I finally get to be Godfather myself! I'm going to need to get a horse head or maybe I should get the whole horse. Yes, for Alexandria the whole horse!!
Tomorrow, she'll be going home with my brother Kip, my sister-in-law Jill, and my other beautiful niece Lilly. A perfectly beautiful family in every way. And I couldn't be happier!!
The sun seems brighter when you know there's a new face feeling its warmth for the first time.

best teen girl squad yet

i heart homestar runner


san francisco's insanely great absurdist sketch outfit kasper hauser (featuring a set of identical twins who spent some time growing up in pittsburgh) have created the perfect send up of craigslist. which they call kraigslist. i thought it was funny, and think you might, too.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Hillary Duff

Hey! Did ya hear?!! Hillary Duff's going to release a greatest hits album??????????????????????????????????????
Does she have hits? She did like two albums. Shouldn't there be a few more? Really even if your writing staff has run out of ideas already, aren't there still plenty of great songs already written that you can do awful covers of until you're around long enough to have a greatest hits album? Nevertheless, it's going to be called Most Wanted. In her defense, I guess they have to call it something. But why not something like:
Duff Enuf,
Hillary Duff and Her Album Devoted to Repackaging Mild Success

Something to think about until sunnier days anyway. Until then, here's a fun game. Try to think of as many Hillary Duff songs as you can and see if you have to use more than two fingers. Then, read this about a little show Hill did for our President back in January. Here's a sample:

"I'm thinking, 'Oh my gosh, is it going to be like a dinner table that I'm performing in front of? Are people going to be dressed all fancy? Am I supposed to be dressed fancy? I gotta get some clothes! What if people think I'm tacky? Oh, my God!' "
On second thought, you can probably skip reading the article, since that sums it up pretty well.

in the meantime

i know yr all drooling for either a) hospital details, b) news of new animal club shows, or c) my musings on the sketchgasm that was sketchfest nyc, but those will have to wait.

for now, this is just a simple plug for what will surely be the coolest music event in chicago this summer (suck it taste of chicago!)

the intonation music fest features only the hippest of the hipster bands, dj sets that border on preposterous (will oldham?!), and a mere $15 ticket charge. also, it is curated/produced by the music snob's online bible, pitchfork media. so be there, or lose whatever indie cred you thought you'd built up. excelsior!

* i just realized this post seems a little snide. i'm not putting it down. i already have my tickets, and yes i am afraid of losing my indie cred.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Hey!! THANK YOU EVERYONE!! Our blog stock is in the top 100! Whew!!! Number 61 BABY!! Finally. Now, we can all sit on this and hold out for the big make-believe dollars to come rolling in!!! HA HA I'm buying a ferrari! And a pony! And a race track!! Yes sir, nothing but pony versus ferrari races for me!!!


We're back in Chi-Town now!! The NYC Sketchfest was ridiculous fun and now we're all recovering in our own ways. We saw some truly amazing groups and got to hang out in the UCB Theatre-which has to be one of the most welcoming theatres I've ever set foot in. We rented a nice little van and drove all night Wednesday and into Thursday so that we could be in New York in the afternoon. Needless to say, delirium set in and quickly spread until we were all talking nonsense and/or seeing nonsense. But, it was all worth it. The UCB Theatre was just so alive with people. The beer and vodka and red bull flowed like water (but unlike water, they had a curious drunkening effect) and we chatted with new friends and people we hadn't seen in a while. That's the beauty of sketchfests, I suppose. The closeness between groups. And it's funny because half of them you haven't seen in six months or more and your last meeting was in a city foreign to both of you. But, there's an instant friendship built in those couple of meetings and it's always a pleasure to see these people again and share some laughs. So, all-night delirium included, it was an extraordinary experience!!

I guess I'll leave you with my favorite moment of the trip. It occured during that all-night cross-country ride. We stopped at a restaurant on Thursday morning, Tom got out of the van and simply stated, "We're randomly at King's and I randomly have a boner."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

apple computer to switch to sun chips...


i guess you had to be there. and a nerd.

here's what the joke is referencing, in case you aren't a nerd: link

i guess i owe you guys an explanation...

you probably noticed that i was (by far) the most prolific poster on the animal club blog, and about a month and a half ago, i went suddenly silent. since then, a lot of not so nice stuff has happened to me. i've split the time- pretty much 50/50- between moping around my house and moping around the cardiac care units at two fine chicago hospitals. i'm finally home, and expect to be for some time, which is nice. the staff at swedish covenant hospital won the award for most nurses with sons who performed in "miss saigon" on broadway, while the incredible staff at northwestern memorial won most confused expression when pizza was delivered to my icu room. the two hospitals jockied for my insurance dollars, with northwestern winning in a landslide. i will post a copy of the bill when i get it. the current betting pool ranges from $85,000-$180,000, with an outlier at $250,000 for the whole stay (14 days + 1 surgery).

seriously, i want to thank everyone who came out to see me, brought by a movie or a book, gave a call, sent a card, etc. the outpouting of support made a very difficult time much easier. and so you know, the animal club made sure not a day went by where i didn't laugh. take this picture, for example, taken on day 10 of my stay at northwestern:

it's good to have friends like this. as i become more emotionally stable, i may tell stories of an entertaining nature from my stay. in the meantime, you can read all about my "condition" here, my "device" here, and see me on the cover of my AICD manufacturer's annual report in 2000 here.

thanks again.