Monday, November 20, 2006

Five Way

Bonus points for me because that's a single-and-a-half-entendre. How so?

• This is my fifth blog post today
• This is about a gratuitous quintuple kidney transplant

Johns Hopkins scheduled a five-way kidney transplant - 5 patients, 5 donors. If this was some kind of bizarre coincidence, I'd have been okay with it. It's not every day a transplant surgeon gets to be all, "Damn, we're really getting slammed today". But they did this as, and I quote, "a demonstration to the rest of the world that this is possible if everyone wants to work together."


That's the same phony psuedo-humility athletes use when they win a title, or mid-managers use to buff up employee moral. This was a transplant unit whipping it's dick out, showing it to the rest of the transplant units across the country, and screaming, "Call me John Holmes, bitches", then coming all over their faces. As if the transplant team at St. Francis in Evanston didn't have an inferiority complex already.

Also, how did they convince the patients who needed the transplants to survive that it would be better if they got their life saving treatment at the same time as four other people? "Well, we got you a kidney, but if you can hold out for like two more days, we're gonna blow some fucking minds!"

I wonder if a rep from Guinness was there. I wonder if they have a record for simultaneous transplant surgeries. And if so, I wonder why. Can't imagine that started many bar fights.

Well, I'm off to protest Johns Hopkins for being transplant-unit bullies. If you want to join me, I'll be simultaneously smoking six packs of cigarettes, guzzling grain alcohol, not exercising, swallowing diet pills by the dozen, and sticking my hand into an industrial wood chipper in hopes of needing the world's first quintuple organ transplant (lungs, liver, heart, kidneys and hand). Not for personal glorification, mind you, but rather to show the world that it's possible if I decide to work with myself.

Four is a Round Number

Whereas three is not. Roundness, friends. That's the goal of every sketch comedy blog. Objective met.

I sure wish Shane would start writing again. Sigh.

The Way I See It

I’m not as interesting as the art I consume. Are you?

Bullet Points

• This is the 950th post in ACSCC blog history.
• This marks the first (1st) time in ACSCC blog history that all writers besides Baz have been bumped from the front page due to sheer volume
• Rumor has it Shane just bought a computer
• Rumor has it also that Mike was in some kind of parade on Saturday
• Guitar Hero beaten on easy and medium; hard is giving me fits
Best free MMORPG ever
• Sketch Comedy. Yeah.

Grammar Much?

well, at least they got the "carnage" part right.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

People. We Can Do Better.

The internet is only 1% porn.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Pain Of Worth

Since August, every other post on the AC blog has started with "Sorry we haven't been blogging..." and far be it from me to poke tradition in the eye. That said, sorry we haven't been blogging, but this time, we've got a good, no, GREAT excuse.

Guitar Hero II.

I picked up GH2 and a spare SG controller, and have since logged a solid eight hours of rocking. I hooked the game up to the Animal Club's video projector, so I'm rocking out, with an associate, in front of a 100" screen. Life may get better than this, but I don't care if I find out.

The copious amount of playing had rendered my left hand useless. It still hurts, but today I can hunt-and-peck a lil' bit better.

In summary, go get Guitar Hero II.

That is all.

Friday, November 10, 2006

For Stefan Lawrence

and maybe some other people, too

French Bread Grossness

I usually stop at a gas station on my way to work to pick up coffee and a muffin. Near the coffee machine is a freezer that contains various kinds of French Bread Pizza. The side of said freezer has little explosion graphics with descriptive words inside them, supposedly in reference to the pizzas contained therein. Some of the descriptive words:


um...chewy? Chewy. Would you ever use the word chewy to describe a pizza you were trying to sell someone?

I bought three.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Say Goodnight, Gracie

In case you haven't noticed, the fate of the GOP controlled Senate is in the hands of Burns & Allen.

Monday, November 06, 2006


move over, myspace. openhuman is here.

openhuman is an open-source voluntary database of people. you create a page about yourself, then write "confessions" and "facts" about yourself. the site also encourages you to post naked pictures of yourself. uh, so there's that.

i highly recommend doing this, though i have no idea why you'd want to. you can't view other people's pages, there's no "random human" button, there's no friend system. it's just a list of shit about yourself that the database owners make freely available to whoever wants it. i say what the hell. go for it. i did (no naked pictures yet. sorry.)

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Politics + Comedy = Power?

Feeling politically active? Have a cell plan with free weekend minutes? If so, come on down to the iO annex Saturday at noon for a phone party. Jeremy Sosenko has obtained a list of registered democrats who we will call and gently remind to vote on Tuesday. Don't worry; it's not as shady as it sounds. This is an officially sanctioned action, though by who I'm not sure. Either way, we'll meet in the third beat room and spread to my office if needed. My office has a dart board, remote control Hummer, and a putting green if you get bored. The good times start killing you* at noon, and won't stop till you get enough** (or 3:00, whichever comes first).

* - ©2004, Modest Mouse, used with Permission
** - ©1978, Michael Jackson, used without Permission