Friday, June 30, 2006

Passing On Into The Ether

It's old-ish news, but Sleater-Kinney is breaking up. As much as I understand their decision, it's tough watching another one of my bedrock bands slip into nostalgia. They're playing Lollapalooza next month, and that should be the last chance I get to see them. Pity, because Lollapalooza costs $$$ and takes hours: minutes I don't have.

I thought i'd pass along my favorite SK experience in honor. I tracked down to DC to watch Belle & Sebastian in 2003-ish, and to my surprise, Sleater-Kinney was the opening act. Now I adore SK, especially live, as it's as close as our generation can get to hardcore activist rock that's at least moderately accessible, but opening for Belle & Sebastian? That's morbidly odd. On top of that, the show was at the Daughters of the American Revolution Hall (Seats about 3000), and the joint was sold out, filled with gentle hipsters wearing sports jackets and glasses, just trying to hold hands with their significant other while Isobel Campbel lulled their elitist angst away (that was kind of over the top, but you get the idea). Then these three angry ladies come out and play loud and furious and inspired and madcap and no one save three or four people in the theatre knew what to do with themselves (those of us in the know shook our booties). My companion Joe's gentle shrooming quickly turned frightening and he had to leave for a while. Good fucking times.

Anyway, since I'm 100% positive Sleater-Kinney themselves read this blog, thanks for the music over the years. Sorry I can't make your Chicago coup-de-gras, and best of luck in the future.

PS- if you can track it down, there's an MP3 of SK, the butchies and the gossip playing "Fortunate Son". It's goose-bump material.

Things I Have Spilled On Myself Today

• Toothpaste Water
• Frappuchino
• Motor Oil
• Coffee
• Regular Water

Daily Wikipedia 2

Bird Strike

Gross entry all around, especially:

"In the USA, remains of the bird, usually a bloody goo called snarge, are sent to the Smithsonian Institution's Feather Identification Laboratory to determine the species."


Thursday, June 29, 2006


:( :( :(

Mike Lange Fired.

*angry smiley face*

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A Toy Is A Toy

I was playing with this toy truck today and I noticed that the tires had "TRUCK TIRE" molded in them. Contrary to popular belief, children ages three and up are not stupid. For their entire three and up years of existence they have shared this planet with truck tires. Now, if you're going to take the time to embed labels into plastic, for pete's sake, at least put something clever on them. Even stupidly clever. Like a play on the words Goodyear or Michelin (May I suggest Toyyear of Toychelin?). Or just go generic and use an already existing real tire brand (May I suggest Goodyear or Michelin). Just do something. Because really there's no point in labeling tires "TRUCK TIRE". It's just another case of toymakers underestimating their audience. What makes them think that children ages three and up know the name of every truck part except the tires anyway? There are plenty of complicated parts to a truck that adults ages 18 and up couldn't locate. Why isn't the CARBURETOR labeled? How about the CRANKSHAFT? In fact, why isn't the toy just a series of labels on wheels with an even larger overall label, "TOY TRUCK", embedded onto the finished product so the children will know what the hell they are currently playing with?
Wake up and smell the revolution Tonka!

If I Had No Taste

FreeNapster is a living taste-mirror for the music snob. Try as I might not to, I have listened to the following songs today:

1. "Lucas With The Lid Off" - Lucas
2. "If I Had No Loot" - Tony Toni Tone
3. "Flava In Your Ear" - Craig Mack
4. "Flex" - Mad Cobra
5. "Swoon Units" - Digable Planets
6. "Big Poppa (sic)" - Notorious BIG
7. "Here Come the Hotstepper" - Ini Kamoze
8. "Show Biz Kids" - Steely Dan
9. "Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac
10. "That's All" - Genesis
11. "Baby I Love Your Way" - Big Mountain
12. "Dream On Dreamer" - Brand New Heavies

So, yeah, I'm kinda stuck in 1993 today. So what? It was a very good year.

Spoiler Warning (Advanced Notice)

After Superman, Shane said what is, without a doubt, the dorkiest thing I've ever heard him say. Ever. But I can't recap it for you, because it gives away some serious Superman plot details. So, I've buried the quote in a backdated post you can read here.

By the way, boo to blogger not letting you change the date-stamp on posts anymore. What's that all about?

Superman Returns

it was good.

moderately in love with kate bosworth.

could have done without the last thirty minutes.

moderately in love with brandon routh.

one and a half thumbs up.

go see it?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Two Of A Kind?

In our little world, there has long been running dialogue about whether Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton are, in fact, the same man or different men and what's more which is which. It's become a little easier with Paxton in Big Love now, but here's the best breakthrough in the Pullman/Paxton talks:


Yes!! Yes!! It happened! Way back in 19 hundred and 90! And it was called Brain Dead! From the guy who wrote for the original Twilight Zone!
Do I hear eerie from anyone?

We Are The Champions...Kill Crush Destroy!

I may not have graduated, but Carnegie-Mellon will always be "my" school. I spent two years there, and left for decidedly less-green pastures at Point Park. Still, I'm very proud of the work I did there, and still take a bit of pride in "my" school's accomplishments. Witness your 2006 Robot Soccer Champions, The Carnegie-Mellon Fighting Tartan Robot Soccer Players (or CMDragons '06, if you want to be particular). CMU outscored it's opponents 53-3 throughout the tournament, and this win is the school's third in the "small robot" division (including a win while I was undergradding in 1998).

On the RoboCup homepage, you'll see the stated objective of the RoboCup is to field a humanoid robot soccer team that can defeat the human World Cup champions by 2050. You know what that means- robot soccer riot in 2050. Awesome.

Monday, June 26, 2006


george bush likes to trot 9/11 out as a reason for why he acts the way he does.

watch this clip of jon stewart and try not to vomit the next time bush says "nine eleven".

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Daily Wikipedia 1

Flutie Flakes

An altogether forgettable entry, save this beautiful last line:

"Flutie Flakes is also a common derisive term used in reference to Flutie fans who display an extreme fanaticism and irrationality when it comes to Doug Flutie"

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Through The Bookingbag

Today, in one fowl swoop, I solved all the mysteries that have been plaguing me for weeks. Ever since we came back from New York, my mind has been a shambles-a wasteland devoid of any thought. I suffered from severe post-landing jet-lag brought on by massive sleep deprivation. This coupled with the fact that Ruth left last weekend. So, it was emotional and
tiring. Physically and mentally I was a train wreck of a person. And in this whirlwind of hysteria I somehow lost my driver's license, my work ID, and my gym locker key. All are vital in my day to day life and all were nowhere to be found. I had little time to search as my week was jam-packed with exhaustion. And in the rare case that I did get a chance I would run rampant through the house overturning refridgerators and breaking vases. And nothing- not a single clue.

The last I remembered seeing my license was the morning I flew in from New York, my work ID about two days later, and my gym locker key about a day after that. I felt like the exhaustion was physicalizing itself and taking things of mine and the worst part was I didn't know where exhaustion lived when it wasn't with me.

But, today I went to buy a frappucino because I needed the caffeine boost and because I knew I had extra change to throw around. But, when I reached in my bag to retrieve the change it was nowhere to be found. I searched all over, in every possible pocket and found nothing still. At this point rationality took a back seat and I shook my bag like it was some little hoodlum who just needed to be roughed up before singing like a bird. And you know what? It did. I could hear the coinbird. It was trapped some where. I searched harder and found a hole just big enough to swallow quarters, dimes, driver's licenses, work IDs, and gym locker keys. And just like that, my world became a brighter and more exciting place.

Friday, June 23, 2006

All Apologies

I owe YouTube a big apology. I won't go into specifics, because I don't want the gentle soul who helped me through the day to have their vids removed, but their dedication to a certain NBC sitcom that rhymes with Crubs makes up for yesterday's House debacle.

Bless you, anonymous contributor.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Lost Tooth

The other day, I opened a gym locker and found a white tooth-like object in the top shelfy section. The reason for its tooth-likeness was that it was in fact a tooth. Bit of dried blood and everything. Who leaves a tooth in the top shelfy thing of a locker? That was the first thought that came to me. Next I thought about poor hygiene because there hadn't been a locker room fight in the gym for I don't know how long. And finally, I thought about how weird teeth are. They're like disposable bones. No one drops a femur and discards it on the top shelfy section of a locker.

A Reasonable Projection of Actors Who Could Play Me in the Made-For-TV-Movie About My Life

Jonathan Lipniki
Bryce Beckham
Josh Byrne
Scott Wolf
Gregory Smith
Rick Lawless

related: greatest movie of all time?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Where In The Continental US Is Ruth Gamble?

For those of you missing the trademark curls and the mile-wide smile, here's an update. Ruth scored a gig with Mickey D's. She's traveling the globe (at least the US part of the globe), attending huge events (Pirates of the Caribbean 2 premiere, Lollapalooza, and NASCAR races), and riding in a pimped out RV. You know, the usual deal. All this craziness will be broadcast on this website in webisodes! So you can see her even when you're not seeing her. Last I checked the sight wasn't up yet, but be patient. So soon it will be. And if you're in the area where she is, shoot her an email at . I'm sure she'd love to hang out. She'll be back in October which is a long time to wait, but some people are definitely worth waiting that long for. We're still planning on forging ahead with the silent show that she helped develop. We'll just plug her in when she gets back.

The Rembrandts Greatest Hit(s)

The Rembrandts have released a greatest hits album. This blog has at times been a testament to my love (love being used in its more sarcastic state) for undeserving greatest hits albums. The Rembrandts album goes a little something like this.

Track 1
I'll Be There For You (Opening Credits Of Friends Version)
Track 2
I'll Be There For You (Syndicated And Shortened Friends Version)
Track 3
I'll Be There For You (Hip Hop Remix) (Featuring Timbaland)
Track 4
I'll Be There For You (Kidsong Version) (Featuring Children Shouting Out The Lyrics While The Song Plays In The Far Far Background)
Track 5
I'll Be There For You (Because Our Group Names Are Similar Sounding Version) (Featuring the Replacements)
Track 6
'll Be There For (Pronoun-Free Remix)
Track 7
I'll Be There For You-But Will You Be There For Me? (An Interesting Twist That Leaves You Thinking Version)
Track 8
I'll Be There For You (The Jeep Remix)(Featuring Engine Revs And Tire Screeches)
Track 9
I'll Be There For You (Olympic Gymnasts Version) (Featuring Your Favorite Gymnastics Moments From Over 60 Years Of Televised Olympic Competition) *Production Note-Unable To Finance Visual Component To CD And Unable to Obtain Rights To Any Actual Footage Anyway. Just Imagine Those Moments While Listening To This Track. You'll See What We Mean.
Track 10
I'll Be There For You (The Christmas Version) (Featuring Jesus, Mary, Joseph, The Three Wisemen, Some Shepherds, A Donkey, Two Sheep, And Actual Angels)
Track 11
I'll Be There For You (Millenium Version)(Featuring Real Audio Clips Of People Throughout Time Who Were There For Each Other)
Track 12
I'll Be There For You (Original Version)

Monday, June 19, 2006

Happy Birthday Queenie!

Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 80th birthday this past weekend, but her actual birth date is April 21st. Apparently that's tradition. Happy birthday, Liz! Can you tell me why the United Kingdom still has a queen? It's all very confusing to me. Also, why aren't you wearing a crown again?

Science 102

I had a random realization today. I realized that in school I may have always misunderstood the whole tomato plant science project dealy. You know, the one where you have a base group of tomato plants that you water and take care of normally and then another group that you do something different to to see what happens. Looking back from this high tower of twenty-six years, I see that I missed the whole point in the project when I, for example, decided to mix peanut butter into the soil. There is only one possible outcome of mixing peanut butter and soil together and that it instant tomato plant death. I see now that you were supposed to hypothesize something that might actually work first, not just throw any random sandwich spread into the pot. So, kids, don't do what I have done. Don't try to kill the tomato plants. Make them live, damn it! MAKE THEM LIVE!!!!

Gratuitous Conflct: Round One

Here's a new feature for you, the Gratuitous Conflict Tournament. Two inanimate objects go head-to-head, with one triumphing and moving on to round 2. How does one beat the other? On the strength of their merits, of course. Let's go...

Carpet vs. Helmet
Catapult vs. Pillow
Peat Moss vs. Light Bulb
Cable Car vs. Pencil Sharpener
Window Sill vs. Flashlight
Encylopedias vs. Credenza
All-In-One Remote Control vs. Waterbed
Built-In Egg Refrigerator Egg Container vs. Monogrammed Towels


Strange Bedfellows

50 Cent and...wait for it...Apple Computer are teaming up to provide a low-cost Mac for inner city students.

Could I come up with a punch line to this delicious set up? Probably. But I'd rather sit back and let your minds run with it.

via Macrumors

Movie Review: Ronin

Just saw the 8th anniversary edition of Ronin, the movie that redefines...Ronin, I guess. Some fun stats:

• Number of car chases: 6
• Number of times I thought Malina Kanakaredes was in it: 1
• Correct guesses of "Isn't that so and so from that movie?": 1
• Incorrect guesses of "Isn't that so and so from that movie?": 14
• Number of Jean Reno Fucked Natalie Portman in The Professional jokes: 2
• Scale of 1-10, temptation to leave without seeing the end: 9
• Number of times Cake-Holding-Lady-Refrigerator-Commerical aired: 22
• Japanese History references (title included): 2
• Ronin vs. Ghost Dog: Ghost Dog
• Ronin and an army of actual Samurai vs. Ghost Dog: Ghost Dog
• Followed by: The Last Samurai
• The Last Samurai vs. Ronin: Draw

overall grade: C-


i'm fed up with YouTube.

As a professional internet procrastinator, I'm looking for real pirated content, not montages of two characters falling in love set to John Mayer. Witness YouTube's selections for one of my favorite shows, House, MD.

By my count, there are 229 clips, only 1 of which is an actual segment from the show. There's a relative abundance of foreign language clips (a dozen or so), but my german ain't quite good enough to make use of them. There are five clips of the opening credits (woo hoo), and the rest are videos about this character falling in love with that character.

Also, my searches have revealed that every television show with a female character has a montage of said character cut to "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. Grumble.

Material Possessions Update!

iPod? Broken.
PowerBook? Breaking.
PowerMac? Breaking.
Car? Broken.
Tripod? Broken.
Digital camera? Broken.
XL1? Breaking.
Sennheisser ME66? Broken.
Glidecam? Breaking.
ProTools? Broken.

Good times.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

A Well Wish, A Present If You Will

Last night, bosom buddy Joe Stile became an uncle, when Sophia Adelle sprung onto this mortal coil at 7:45 PM, at an impressive 22" long. Congratulations, Baby! Your birth has been blogged by the premiere sketch comedy blog on the internet*.

*- Seriously

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Crazy Crazy Bo Bazy

Yesterday, the entire train car that I was in was berated by a crazed man who spouted right wing bullshit from every orifice of his body with the ensuing surge threatening to burst open brand new orifices. I don't really care if someone is a republican. But this man literally screamed non-stop for twenty-five minutes, weaving a bizarre web that connected hippies, Bill and Hillary Clinton, homosexuals, the Taliban, and gang-bangers to the mafia (whom he blamed for 9/11). He then challenged the mafia to stop him from yelling. The mafia may have been in a different car because no one responded. So, this man kept on foaming. It was interesting and also annoying. Interesting because it was so stupid and annoying because it was so annoying. You can only hope that men like this are a rarity. But, sometimes it seems like crazy suits are the new fad. Flashier than cotton or polyester, but certainly less rational.

The Big Move

First, let me just say that I think Stephen Hawking is an extremely intelligent man. And that automatically doles some credibility to whatever this man says. So today, when I read that Stephen Hawking believes that in order for the human race to survive we must find a way to inhabit other planets within the next 100 years, I believe it. This man knows his stuff. He knows stuff that I don't know. I think he knows stuff that only he knows.

Stephen Hawking's reasoning is, "Life on Earth is at the ever-increasing risk of being wiped out by a disaster, such as sudden global warming, nuclear war, a genetically engineered virus or other dangers we have not yet thought of." The funny thing is that two of the three are man-made and global warming could even be argued to be at least partially man-made, too. So, basically, humans need to leave Earth not because of catastrophic comets, invading aliens, or a great lion revolution, but because humans can not live together. We run the risk of nuking each other if we stay here much longer.

Here's the thing. What's moving to another planet going to change? We could still kill each other on Mars. The only reasonable solution is that we each get our own individual planets. And f you all. I call Saturn.

Just so you know: Alan Guth, a physics professor at MIT rebuts, "I would still think that an underground base, for example in Antarctica, would be easier to build than building on the moon."

Monday, June 12, 2006

Home Again

So, we're all back from New York, jet lagged and exhausted, but back nonetheless. We had a great time. Good people. Good laughs. Good good. Good. Goods all around. Greats all around even.
Thanks go out to everyone who came to the fest, the producers, the performers, and all our friends who came out and supported us. Also, special thanks go to our good friends, Kristen and Dennis, for housing us and guiding us through the city's winding subway system.

Monday, June 05, 2006

A Forward or "I don't usually do these, but..."

Erase all the answers and fill in your own. Then, forward this to everyone
you know-especially the person who forwarded it to you (send it three or
four times to that person). You'll be amazed at how much we all have in

Your Full Name: Shane Joseph Portman

DOB: 4/11/80

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip or Blue Moon

Coffee Or Tea: Coffee

Favorite Roy Scheider Television Series: Seaquest DSV


R.i.Pod 2

there's no good time for your iPod to break, but there are especially inopportune times for your iPod to break. Like today, for example.

My iPod has been on the fritz for a couple weeks- freezing, crashing, dying, but i could always give it iCPR nad bring it back to iLife. Looks like it died it's last life today, though, and I've got a train ride to NYC on Wednesday night. I've got my laptop, but you only have a 50/50 chance of getting an outlet on Amtrak, so it looks like I'll be riding a train for a combined 48 hours without music.


awesome, awesome, a thousand times awesome

Some nerds took the old "mentos + diet coke = explosion" legend, and created a belagio-esque fountain of gross soda. Super rad. Well done, nerds.

YouTube link
original video (slashdotted)

via slashdot

Saturday, June 03, 2006

100 Funniest

Two days ago, I came across Bravo's 100 Funniest Comedies on the ol' TV. And I was rather confused and maybe a little hurt even. Animal House claimed the top spot and while I suppose this can be argued, apparently the funniest movies ever were all made after the 60's. And what good fortune for all of us that a quarter (if not more) were made during our lifetime. Like Meet The Fockers. You remember Meet The Fockers? The 25th best comedy ever? Better than the original Meet The Parents (52) which of course deserved such a deep spot, too. I know how much I still talk about Meet The Parents and I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Meet The Fockers is so funny. Oh my god! It's funnier than Wayne's World (26), A Fish Called Wanda (27), Annie Hall (28), The Big Lebowski (31), Groundhog Day (32), Clerks (33), Rushmore (34), Beetlejuice (35), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (40), Austin Powers (41), Harold and Maude (42), Raising Arizona (45), American Graffiti (48), The Princess Bride (50), Dr. Strangelove (53), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (54), Young Frankenstein (56), When Harry Met Sally (60), The Pink Panther (62), Manhattan (63), This is Spinal Tap (64), Office Space (65), The Blues Brothers (69), and Ghostbusters (76). You know what else is one of the funniest movies ever? Dodgeball (37)! But, Meet the Fockers! Oh my Lord, the name is even funny! What's that, a pun or something?! So funny. Funnier than City Lights, Animal Crackers, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Odd Couple, The General, The Hudsucker Proxy, Life Of Brian, Some Like It Hot, Brain Candy, Duck Soup, The Gold Rush, The Graduate, Modern Times, Harvey, Horse Feathers, Sherlock Jr, Bullets Over Broadway, A Christmas Story, The Muppet Movie, Back To The Future, The Graduate, Grumpy Old Men, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Sunshine Boys, The Purple Rose of Cairo, Amelie, and Splash."