Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Monday, September 25, 2006

Worst website name ever?


In case you were wondering AND too lazy to click on the link, yes, it is a Wikipedia of Cigarettes. Press "Random Page" a bunch of times. It's fun?

Reluctant Genius

I got the reluctant thing down. Now what?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ranking Doctor Shows

Most of the shows on television are about doctors. Here's a guide to help you tell the difference, in order from best to worst.

#1: House, MD.
Kind of Doctors: Mean, Brilliant, Crippled, Black, Hot, Australian
Cross between: Sherlock Holmes, Malice
Sample Scene:

PATIENT: It hurts when I...

HOUSE: Shut up. Start the patient on 90 milligrams Papscenitine Pharmicate, If she gets better-

PATIENT: I'm a man...

HOUSE: Shut. Up!! If HE gets better, I'm right. If he dies, you're right.

CAMERON: We can't just treat before we diagnose.

HOUSE: Why not?

CAMERON: Because I'm hot.

FOREMAN: And I'm black.

CHASE: And I'm Australian.

HOUSE: Sorry, I'm a cripple. Cripple beats everything, especially a hot black Australian chick. Because cripples are real. Was that over the top?

#2: Scrubs
Kind of Doctors: Funny, Shallow, Light, Black, Young, Fake
Cross Between: ER, Malcom in the Middle, The Naked Gun
Sample Scene:

JD: (voice over) I spent all night studying so I could impress Doctor Cox, and I figured even he would have to notice.

JD: Hey Dr. Cox, I-

COX: Newbie, whatsay we shimsham on the jibjab, raise a glass to our elders and toast to your ever impressive ability to not impress me no matter how, and this is the important part, hard you try because we both know it won't get you anywhere but still you need to do it, why you're like the little engine that could in the sequel, the little engine that figured it out and donated himself to a railway museum simply to avoid being filled by hobos eating pork n' beans straight outta the can for the rest of his days.

TURK: Don't listen to him, JD. I'm black.

ELLIOT: And I'm hot.

JANITOR: And I'm not a doctor.

#3: Grey's Anatomy
Kind of Doctors: Hot, Horny, Asian, Black,
Cross Between: Lifetime Original Movie, Scrubs, Sex in the City
Sample Scene:

MEREDITH: Why won't you love me?

McDREAMY: I don't? Are we back on I don't? Because I thought I did.

MEREDITH: No, last week you did, this week you don't.

McDREAMY: I need a flow chart.

BAILEY: Shouldn't you be on rounds? MOVE!

GEORGE: You know who loves you week in and week out, Meredith? Me. Aren't I cute?

IZZY: And aren't I hot?

CHRISTINA: And aren't I asian?

WEBBER, BURKE and BAILEY: And aren't we black?

(something that sounds like Sarah McLaughlan plays)

Believe it or not, there are more doctor shows on TV, but I don't like any of those, and am sick of writing this entry. If you're watching a show that doesn't look like this, it's probably Nip/Tuck, or something on the Discovery Channel. Or ER. Or the venom show on Animal Planet. But that's most of them. I think.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


...Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Yeah. Whatever.

great spam!

Like all things in life, great spam needs to be recognized. I just received a bee-yootie:

From: Acapulco
Subject: It will explode.

I didn't open it because I figured it would all be down hill from there.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Tomb Of The Unknown Drummer

I saw an infomercial for the latest Time Life "Ultimate Whatever Decade" collection the other night. This one casts a long-overdue spotlight on the pop rock hits of the 70's. Naturally, the collection itself is weak, and they played the same fifteen clips for the duration of the half hour infomercial, but something struck me.

Of those fifteen clips, nine of them had drummers pulling double duty as lead singers. Don Henley-style beards, Don Henley-style 8-beats with Don Henley-style singing over their left shoulder. And none of them were Don Henley. Makes me wonder if that was an actual trend in 70's pop- having a drummer/singer. And if so, why would we let that die? It's pretty great when a drum kit isn't buried upstage, but put down center, letting that drummer absorb the praise owed to his brethren for generations. Imagine if the trend held, and we'd have Phil Selway belting front and center falsettos during "We Suck Young Blood", or Will Champion not still playing, but now singing "The Scientist." I tell you, that would be magic.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Have you ever mistaken an empty champagne bottle for a kitty cat? I just did. Sign o' the times, huh?

They say...

...a man can not have too many blogs.

I tend to agree.

Today I'm announcing my fifth or sixth or seventh blog, depending on how you keep track. It's a luscious, sketch comedy star-laden journey into the strange world of sports we like to call:

Sports On Computer! Dot Com!

The staff is pretty much a who's who of sketch comedians who like sports, and is populated as follows:

• Me and Shane Portman (Chicago's reclusive Animal Club)
• Geoff Haggerty (NYC's incomparable Elephant Larry, currently playing at the PIT)
• Jason Durge (LA's mega-stars-in-the-making Troop!, currently playing at UCB LA)
• Cory Neely (Seattle's litterally groundbreaking Flaming Box of Stuff, who have sadly broken up)
• Dusty Warren (Also of FBoS, currently touring his one-man show All-American Push-Up Party)
• Will Nunziata (NYC's brilliant, hyper-political The Royal We)

There's a whole other section of the site that'll eventually go up- with formal articles written by some Chicago comedians you might actually recognize. So. Are you one of the seven comedians in Chicago who like sports? Are you one of the four of those seven who know how to use a computer? Then Sports On Computer is the website for you.

End Plug.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Friday, September 08, 2006



zzzzzzz.... practice!

*hits snooze bar*