Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ranking Doctor Shows

Most of the shows on television are about doctors. Here's a guide to help you tell the difference, in order from best to worst.

#1: House, MD.
Kind of Doctors: Mean, Brilliant, Crippled, Black, Hot, Australian
Cross between: Sherlock Holmes, Malice
Sample Scene:

PATIENT: It hurts when I...

HOUSE: Shut up. Start the patient on 90 milligrams Papscenitine Pharmicate, If she gets better-

PATIENT: I'm a man...

HOUSE: Shut. Up!! If HE gets better, I'm right. If he dies, you're right.

CAMERON: We can't just treat before we diagnose.

HOUSE: Why not?

CAMERON: Because I'm hot.

FOREMAN: And I'm black.

CHASE: And I'm Australian.

HOUSE: Sorry, I'm a cripple. Cripple beats everything, especially a hot black Australian chick. Because cripples are real. Was that over the top?

#2: Scrubs
Kind of Doctors: Funny, Shallow, Light, Black, Young, Fake
Cross Between: ER, Malcom in the Middle, The Naked Gun
Sample Scene:

JD: (voice over) I spent all night studying so I could impress Doctor Cox, and I figured even he would have to notice.

JD: Hey Dr. Cox, I-

COX: Newbie, whatsay we shimsham on the jibjab, raise a glass to our elders and toast to your ever impressive ability to not impress me no matter how, and this is the important part, hard you try because we both know it won't get you anywhere but still you need to do it, why you're like the little engine that could in the sequel, the little engine that figured it out and donated himself to a railway museum simply to avoid being filled by hobos eating pork n' beans straight outta the can for the rest of his days.

TURK: Don't listen to him, JD. I'm black.

ELLIOT: And I'm hot.

JANITOR: And I'm not a doctor.

#3: Grey's Anatomy
Kind of Doctors: Hot, Horny, Asian, Black,
Cross Between: Lifetime Original Movie, Scrubs, Sex in the City
Sample Scene:

MEREDITH: Why won't you love me?

McDREAMY: I don't? Are we back on I don't? Because I thought I did.

MEREDITH: No, last week you did, this week you don't.

McDREAMY: I need a flow chart.

BAILEY: Shouldn't you be on rounds? MOVE!

GEORGE: You know who loves you week in and week out, Meredith? Me. Aren't I cute?

IZZY: And aren't I hot?

CHRISTINA: And aren't I asian?

WEBBER, BURKE and BAILEY: And aren't we black?

(something that sounds like Sarah McLaughlan plays)

Believe it or not, there are more doctor shows on TV, but I don't like any of those, and am sick of writing this entry. If you're watching a show that doesn't look like this, it's probably Nip/Tuck, or something on the Discovery Channel. Or ER. Or the venom show on Animal Planet. But that's most of them. I think.


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