Monday, November 20, 2006

Five Way

Bonus points for me because that's a single-and-a-half-entendre. How so?

• This is my fifth blog post today
• This is about a gratuitous quintuple kidney transplant

Johns Hopkins scheduled a five-way kidney transplant - 5 patients, 5 donors. If this was some kind of bizarre coincidence, I'd have been okay with it. It's not every day a transplant surgeon gets to be all, "Damn, we're really getting slammed today". But they did this as, and I quote, "a demonstration to the rest of the world that this is possible if everyone wants to work together."


That's the same phony psuedo-humility athletes use when they win a title, or mid-managers use to buff up employee moral. This was a transplant unit whipping it's dick out, showing it to the rest of the transplant units across the country, and screaming, "Call me John Holmes, bitches", then coming all over their faces. As if the transplant team at St. Francis in Evanston didn't have an inferiority complex already.

Also, how did they convince the patients who needed the transplants to survive that it would be better if they got their life saving treatment at the same time as four other people? "Well, we got you a kidney, but if you can hold out for like two more days, we're gonna blow some fucking minds!"

I wonder if a rep from Guinness was there. I wonder if they have a record for simultaneous transplant surgeries. And if so, I wonder why. Can't imagine that started many bar fights.

Well, I'm off to protest Johns Hopkins for being transplant-unit bullies. If you want to join me, I'll be simultaneously smoking six packs of cigarettes, guzzling grain alcohol, not exercising, swallowing diet pills by the dozen, and sticking my hand into an industrial wood chipper in hopes of needing the world's first quintuple organ transplant (lungs, liver, heart, kidneys and hand). Not for personal glorification, mind you, but rather to show the world that it's possible if I decide to work with myself.


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