WW?

sometime last week, shane and i sat down and started watching wrestling on purpose. it was whatever they call the wwf nowadays. it was a good matchup on paper- "the nature boy" rick flair vs. some puerto rican guy who thought things were either "cool" or "not cool". we'll call him coolio.

the match was rick flair's defense of the intercontinental championship. my first point of contention with wwf is: what's the difference between "world champion" and "intercontinental champion"? isn't the world title, by definition, an intercontinental title? and conversely, isn't an intercontinental title by definition the world title?

my second point of contention is as follows. coolio is 27 or so, with ravishingly good ethnic looks, and long, flowing curly black hair. rick flair, on the other hand, must be 70 by now, and is, for lack of a better phrase, disgustingly flabby. he's past the point where steroids can help. the picture to the right is the most flattering current shot wwe has, as it's the only action shot of the nature boy on their website. anyway, if this is what a lifetime in wrestling will bring you, count me out.

anyway, they wrestled for a while and then they got to the slapping part. this is where the wrestlers took turns backhanding the other across their chests. slap! ooh, one for the nature boy! slap! ooh, one for coolio. slap! ooh, two for the nature boy! slap! ooh, two for coolio! this continued ad nauseam for about six minutes.

i'm going to interrupt the chronological nature of this post to report that coolio's actual name is carlito, and if his wwe.com bio is any indication, his power is eating organic food. see?

i think coolio is a better name, so i'll keep calling him that. apples? do you care to comment? no? good.

back to the match. after ric and coolio slapped eachother's chests for six minutes, ric flair won by putting coolio in his signature "figure four" leg lock, which isn't really that painful. here's the kicker: ric flair cheated by shaking the bottom rope. apparently this makes the leg lock hurt more, or at all as it were, and coolio had to submit, less he risk his fruitful (pun!) wrestling career to irreversible figure four leg damage.

later, in the back room, flair was chatting with the new mean jean okerland, when coolio came out and said "that was NOT cool! that was NOT cool, man!", and then someone else came out and slapped rick flair in the chest. ric flair went out like a light, nevermind that he and coolio slapped eachother across the chest for six minutes barely six minutes ago. maybe chest slappping has a cumulative neurological effect? maybe it depresses the autonomic nervous system if it's aggresively and repeatedly administered? i don't know. anyway, ric flair is old and coolio eats organic fruit. and yes, i'm hoping rick flair reads this and in an upcoming episode of RAW or SMACKDOWN or whatever they call it, he'll attack me. that'd be great.