A Note to PBS

Without a hint of explanation as to why, let me just let you in on something. Over the past few months, I've been watching Barney, the big purple singing dinosaur, more times than I ever imagined I could stand before gouging out my eyes. And let me just say I've learned that sometimes, through sheer volume, you just get used to something and grow to have an understanding and, dare I say, even a liking for, but BARNEY IS NOT ONE OF THOSE!

First off, the premise is weak. Children are afraid of T-Rex's, purple or not! And to make the show work regardless, you've got to have some pretty talented child actors to make it believable, which this show has not! (No offense to the many who have tried.) Give me Haley Joel Osment (sixth sense days), one of the Olsen twins (Full House days of course), and the kid who played Webster any day. As it stands at present, the cast tends to be made up of children most resemble cardboard in both speech and movement.

Now, I suppose that's a rather cruel assumption. And without any concrete proof that statment shouldn't be said about anyone. So, instead of apologizing, I've decided to prove my beliefs are true. I've found a shining example of a typical Barney scene from a typical Barney show. I taped this scene and brought in four cardboard cutouts of celebrities. I then, stood behind each cutout and spoke for them when it was their turn, reinacting the exact same scene.

So, without further ado, let's meet the competitors


Boy 1, Girl 1, Boy 2, and Girl 2

VS



Steve Young, Captain Kirk, and Alexandra Paul and Yasmine Bleeth (of TV's Baywatch)

And away we go:

Note: The Barney Cast should be read as bland and emotionless as possible. The Cardboard Cutouts should be respectfully read with all the vim and vigor you've come to expect from someone mimicking Steve Young, Captain Kirk, Alexandra
Paul, and Yasmine Bleeth.


Boy1 (as if he'd rather be somewhere else):
Do you want to see a scary spider....?

Steve (fist full of superbowl rings thrust in the air):
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A SCARY SPIDER?!!!!!!

Girl1 (as if just nudged by the director to
speak up):
...okay?

Alexandra (completely caught up in the moment):
OKAY!

(Boy1 pulls out a paper mache' spider
without a hint of love)

(Steve pulls out a paper mache' spider and you know instantly
that he'd give up all the fame he's ever had if he could just
spend the rest of his life with this spider)

Boy2 (bored, bitchy and hungry for the
bologna sandwich and chocolate milk he
was promised):
That's...not! a sCary spiDEr.

Captain (with the authority and understanding only a television
captain can have):
That's not a scary spider. (moving his head from side to side in
utter sadness and disappointment)

Girl2 (picking dandelions):
I think....
he's kind...
of cute...
.

Yasmine (like she just one an Emmy for TV lifeguarding):
I think he's kind of cute. (cradling spider in her arms, a lone tear
falls down her cheek and leaks through the paper mache',
touching the spider's once-scary heart)

(As if electrocuted into cue they sing
the itisy bitsy spider as comatose as
possible)

(With power and know-how, they launch into the itsy bitsy
like it was a Styx power ballad)

And the scene ends.

Scene Ends, but you're left feeling it was only the beginning of
something bigger than ourselves.

YOU BE THE JUDGE.