FDA

This just in:

Soybeans and, thusly, soybean-based products do not make your heart any healthier as was early reported by the FDA. This doesn't mean that soybeans are unhealthy (I'm assuming they're still loaded with fiber and protein), but in the throws of the mercury-laden fish scandal of '06 and in a world where eggs are safe one day and heart destroyers the next, it makes you think the FDA's process must go something like this:

1.) Identify new product.

2.) Assume it's healthy.

3.) Pick specific assumptions for specific health benefits.

4.) Release data.

5.) Cross fingers and hope no one dies.

Here's some other FDA gambles that I've recently uncovered.

Red Dye #2
Great chemical. Helps eyesight-like manmade carrots. Good for coloring everything and perfectly harmless. Give Zip-Loc bags full of them out to Trick or Treaters for a healthy Halloween snack.

Gravel
High in fiber, low in sugar. Great for bowel troubles and strengthens infant teeth.

Asbestos
Low in cholesterol, loaded with nutrients and vitamins (niacin, potassium, and calcium-vitamins A, B, C, D, E, B12). Snort, drink, eat, or roll in it. It doesn't matter what you do with asbestos! It's gonna make you healthy regardless. Share with friends. Sleep in it. Cheese and asbestos make a great sandwich and you can even eat it while caught in a trapped inferno-ASBESTOS IS FLAME RETARDENT! Use it everywhere!