scratch my back with a hacksaw

YES #1: the nhl is back, and rule changes will make it a faster, more open game!

YES #2: the penguins won the draft lotery and will take sidney crosby with the first pick!

the neutral zone trap dominated late-nineties/early-aughts pretty much ruined hockey for those of us raised on lemiuex and co's fast moving up and down style (even rick kehoe's left wing lock was exciting compared to that shit the devils used to win a bazillion stanley cups), and some of the rule changes in the cba/competitive balance agreement will do much to remedy this. they finally killed the center red line, so two-line passes are fair game, the offensive zones are bigger and goalie's pads are going to be smaller. (since the pens have the best young goalie in the league in marc-andrey fleury, i say that's fine). honestly, if these things weren't taken care of with the salary cap i wouldn't care quite as much, but now i'm pumped for hockey to come back.

on top of that, the pens have drafted in the past three years fleury(#1 overall), winger yevgeni malkin (#2 overall) and now the best prospect since eric lindros, possilbly since lemieux himself, sidney crosby. lemieux says he's still going to play next year, the new CBA will let the pens spend a little bit of money on retaining their young talent and bringing in some mid- to high-tier free agents, and things are all of the sudden looking up for the one sports team i really cared about growing up. (no offense to the steelers, but having the greatest player in the history of the game ripping shit up right in front of you is just something walter abercrombie and delton hall can't compete with. and don't me started on the fucking pirates.)

so that said, i'll leave you with this. pens announcer mike lange is like the myron cope of hockey. his voice is a little idiosyncratic and his expressions are often non-sensical, conveying the proper emotion (celebration) but without using words that make much sense. so when the pens would score, langue would scream "heeeeeeee shoots and scores...(name of player) gets it past (name of goalie) (nonsense saying). here's a short list of some of his best:

1. he beat him like a rented mule
2. call arnold slick from turtle creek (pronounced "crick" like a proper pittsburgher)
3. she wants to sell my monkey
4. get in the fast lane grandma, the bingo game is ready to roll
5. look out loretta
6. (if the goal seals the deal) ladies and gentlemen, elvis has just left the building