Sex joke!

The upsides of having Dalla move in are already showing. Last night, for instance, I found out that eating crunchy cereal before practicing oral sex increases your risk of contracting herpes. I couldn't verify this online, but the armchair science behind it seems logical enough; crunchy cereal can create microscopic cuts in your mouth, and if your partner has a tainted wang or cooch, it's hello valtrex.

Anyway, since I'm taking this unscientific rumor as gospel, I'll be adjusting my pre-oral sex breakfast habits starting tomorrow (which is the morning before the next time I plan to perform oral sex on a woman). Here's where I run into problems- what constitutes a crunchy cereal? I figure grape nuts, cracklin' oat bran, and kashi are out. Same for froot loops, shredded wheat and smart start. Chances are corn flakes and raisin bran are okay, but what about stuff like fruity/cocoa pebbles? They're pretty crunchy at first, but by the time you finish the bowl, they're practically gelatinous. Or rice krispies? What about other breakfast food? Eggs aren't crunchy, but english muffins are essentially glass shards with butter on them. And since I plan on eating two other meals before performing oral sex on a woman, does that mean I should measure the crunchiness of my other foods as well?

I could just play it safe and eat oatmeal three times a day, or not perform oral sex on women, but frankly I'd rather have herpes.

For actual statistics on american sex habits, check out this article