Overheard: the john Roberts confirmation hearing

The Participants:
John Roberts, nominee for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

Sen. Arlen Specter (R- PA), Head of the Senate Judiciary Committee

Sen. Edward Kennedy (D- MA), Member of the Senate Judiciary Committee

Sen. Orin Hatch (R- UT), Member of the Senate Judiciary Committee

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D- CA), Member of the Senate Judiciary Committee

The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States


Today's transcript:
Specter:Let's get things started with a frank discussion on a topic a lot of Americans wish to, and I believe are entitled to know your opinion on Roe. Do you, Judge, feel that Roe is settled law?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Feinstein:A great many of my constituents are worried about the continuing erosion of federal regulations on commerce which strips consumers and the public at large of many rights, including bankruptcy. Could you elaborate on what you feel the constitution permits in the way of business regulation and personal bankruptcy protections?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Kennedy:Say, can we hurry this along? Daddy needs a drink.

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Hatch:Just a few more questions, Judge. Mine is a two part- First, isn't America like the awesomest country in the world? Show your work. Second, can I get a "Woop! Woop!"? Show your work.

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Lincoln's Ghost: Hey John, did you hear the one about Hillary Clinton and the prostitute?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Kennedy: what's a nigga gotta do to get a drink around here?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Lincoln's Ghost: So this prostitute is always yelling to Bill Clinton "Hey, get laid for ten bucks" and Bill's always like "that's too expensive", then one day Bill's walking with Hillary and the prostitute yells "see what five bucks will get you." Ha ha. Get it?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Lincoln's Ghost: You're not even listening to me, are you?

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Specter:One last question before we approve your lifetime nomination, Judge Roberts. Could you please explain how you would confront this issue as compared to the way you would confront other issues that would come before the court, whether you would fully and/or fairly consider the arguments, and what rules you would decide them against. Additionally, please comment on whether or not you think it would be appropriate for you to express your views in this area, as it may or may not come before the court.

Roberts:I will confront issues in this area as I would confront issues in any area that come before the court, and that would be to fully and fairly consider the arguments presented and decide them according to the rule of law. And I don't think it would be appropriate for me to express views in an area that could come before the court.

Specter:Thank you, Judge Roberts, for your forthrightness and honesty. Now let's get Kennedy his drink before he blows a gasket.

Kennedy:Wicked awesome.