Supreme Court Rush Week

Dear John,

Welcome to the Supreme Court of the United States of
America. We hope you'll find your seat on the bench as comforting as a Lay-Z-Boy recliner (If not, as Chief Justice you have the right to request a Lay-Z-Boy in place of your bench space). Enclosed in this welcome package you'll find:

A One Size Fits All Judge's Robe

An "I'm with Justice" Tee-Shirt To Give To A Close Friend

The First Bottle Of An Unlimited Supply Of Axe-Official Male Body Spray Of The Supreme Court (Caution: One squirt and Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be on you like a judge to flypaper)

The Complete John Grisham Library

Additionally, as Chief Justice you are also entitled to a number of other gifts/ceremonies (like the Lay-Z-Boy clause). One of which will occur the eve of your first day on the bench. This night has traditionally been called Chief Justice-Fest. For one night the entire building is yours and yours alone. You are encouraged to bring an alcoholic beverage of your choice (preferable in a paper bag) and get sloppy. Chief Justice-Fest is your time to hail yourself as the greatest supreme justice ever! Yell, scream, shout at the top of your lungs, "You suck Rehnquist! I could judge you under the table! Eat this Taft! I own this court! Kiss my ass John Jay! My gavel's better than yours!" It is also your right to stake claim and urinate on anything that you would like to keep-be it Rehnquist's desk or a framed picture of Scalia's wife. Yes, let loose. Have fun, John. Do something illegal if you want. After all, it's Chief Justice Fest.

Oh, one more thing. The morning after, it is the God-given right of the other justices to pick your drunken ass up, shave your head bald, add it to the official Giant Sack of Chief Justice Hair (A tradition started with John Jay), and then pummel you senseless with gavels and copies of the Bill of Rights. Caution: Cover your head. This will surely expose your ribs, but better to have a few cracked ribs, than a completely caved in skull. Scalia rolls his Bill of Rights around a lead pipe and odds are he's going to be upset about you peeing on his wife's picture.

Wishing you the happiest of judging,
The Supreme Court Welcoming Committee