no rivers will do it

so weezer front"man" rivers cuomo has been celibate for two and a half years now. congrats and all, but you're still a year and a half shy of my still continuing record. so where's my cnn article? does the fact that my celibacy is entirely externally-imposed have something to do with it? i get it now; a guy choses not to get laid and it's news. a guy can't get laid and it's not.

come to think of it, a cnn article about my inability to get laid would be pretty embarrassing.

also come to think of it, this pretty much is an article about my inability to get laid and it is embarrassing, and most of the people i know read this, so...

i had all kinds of sex last night.