A Diving Threat

Graceful or freaky as shit, pigs are now diving just like us. And in Melbourne there's one, Miss Piggy, who threatened to break the world record. How challenging is it to break the existing pig diving record? In Melbourne's Herald Sun, Tom Vandeleur, Miss Piggy's owner and coach, said, "No matter what happens and how far she goes, she'll be the record holder." Pretty cocky aren't we, Mr. Vandeleur? Perhaps. But maybe he's right. No, I know he's right. He knows he's right. Mr. Vandeleur cockily added, "The Guinness Book of Records called me a few weeks ago and wanted to know if I was interested in setting the first one. There's no diving record for pigs anywhere." And now you know he's right, too. What a dick! Why would a pig do this kind of thing? There has to be some kind of incentive. Why pig? Why? Golden slop?

Digging deeper, I found more signs of hubris in an ABC News Online article. Mr. Vandeleur again speaks. "Ian Thorpe was most probably the tallest swimmer we've had for many, many years and he can only go a body length and a half, these pigs are going nearly five times their body length." Ian Thorpe's a pansy? This statement sent shockwaves throughout the Australian Aquatic Sports Community. Prompting Thorpe, three members of the National water polo team, and the entire Australian National Diving Team, including Olympic gold medalist, Chantelle Michell-Newbery to boycott the dive. Australia was in the midst of a diving civil war. Pig or Person?

Meanwhile at the dive site, the crowd stood in silence, eagerly waiting. Mr. Vandeleur walked Miss Piggy out to the platform, removed her velvet robe, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and a pat on the back. Miss Piggy stared intently at the platform that lay ahead of her. She nodded once and began the sprint! When she reached the end of the platform, she snorted into the wind and launched herself straight ahead in perfect form (picture a pig on a spit minus the charring and the spit). She splashed beautifully into the water! The jump was measured and...
THE RECORD OF 0 WAS SHATTERED BY METERS!!!!

The crowd was stunned. "That was it," they seemed to ask. "That was pig diving?" And so ended the pig world's first attempt to cross over into the diving world. It wasn't much, perhaps. The threat of a pig invasion in professional diving subsides once again and Australia can once again sleep well. But know this, divers. They are coming! And come they will!! For today may have just be for distance, but there will come a day when pigs will gainer. AND GAINER THEY WILL!!!!!