Thursday, December 08, 2005

Silliest Trial of the Millenium?

The Saddam trial is getting off to a comically-inane start. But is it the silliest trial of all time? You be the judge. Get it? Judge? Ha Ha.

• Michael Jackson Molests Kids (2005)
In this trial, the King of Pop is accused of doing something the general public has assumed he's been doing for dozens of years. Highlights included learning that Michael Jackson refers to white wine as "Jesus Juice", MJ hiring the Nation of Islam as his bodyguards, and moonwalking on top of his SUV after his preliminary hearing.
Silliness Factor: 5 single studded gloves
Verdict: Not Guilty

• OJ Simpson Kills his Wife, Other Guy (1995?)
The Juice was loose with his knife, carving big holes into the vital areas of ex-wife Nicole and ex-wife-boyfriend Ron Goldman. Highlights included Johnny Cochran's rhyming couplets ("If it does not fit, you must acquit") and his inspiration for Jackie Childs character on Seinfeld, Ron Goldman's Dad's Moustache, and watching District Attorney Marcia Clark turn from a school marm into a school marm with a professional stylist.
Silliness Factor: 4.4 yards per murder
Verdict: Not Guilty

• Berretta Losing His Cool (2002?)
Robert Blake played a cop or vigalante or something on a show called "Berretta" in the 70's or 80's. After eating at a resturaunt he probably couldn't afford anymore, he "forgot his gun", went back into the food place to recover it, and came back to find his wife shot in the face or head. The lone highlight of this trial was the amount of media coverage it earned; Counting Court TV coverage, Blake's camera time for the trial was double the combined length of "Berretta".
Silliness Factor: 1 Pet Cockatoo
Verdict: Not Guilty

What lessons can we cull from this retrospective? Well, Saddam would have been better off if he had worked in the entertainment field. Chosing to be a professional genocidal maniac will probably work against him; juries are much less likely to overlook his faults than if he was, say, a famous jazz guitarist. He knows this, so he's overcompensating by laying the silliness on thick and creamy. Will this strategy pay off? Only time will tell. But probably not.


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