My Christmas Wish

Greetings from depressed insomniac Pittsburgh, where I just spent the past two hours crying my eyes out while watching Forrest Gump. I hear you snickering. Whatever. It's a great movie. The shrimp restaurant chain is somewhat lacking, though.

Irrespective of any incredibly pathetic emotional crisis I may be having, I wanted to share with you my Christmas wish:

I wish my church would just hang a basketball hoop at the top of it's arch already.

See, I go to one of the old-world Catholic churches in Pittsburgh that was built in the early 1900's (aka: when the Catholic Church had money), and the altar is underneath a GIANT arch (I'm guessing around 75 feet tall). Since I was old enough to know what a basketball hoop was, I've fantisized about there being a basketball hoop at the peak of this arch, and that I, clad in a basketball uniform, would dribble down the aisle and play basketball right there. In church. On a 75 foot tall basketball hoop.

In some of my fantasies, it's part of an organized sports event, in others it's just me shooting some hoops. I don't think I ever missed in my fantasies, but I can't back that up. I knew this would be hard to convey in words, so I drew a diagram of what this would look like on a church bulletin. Unfortunately I don't have a scanner at my parent's house, so it wasn't that helpful. Also, I drew this diagram during mass, during Christmas mass, no less. Then I showed it to my sisters, and made them laugh in the middle of Christmas mass. I was sure this was the worst thing any of the Balzer children did during church, until later when Marissa told me she said "Fuck" and "Jesus Christ" during the service.

The fact that I've yet to burst into flame at church is proof positive that God both exists and is merciful. On that note, to my Christian friends, have a very Merry Christmas. To Jewish friends a happy Chanukkah. To my non-denominational friends, a Happy Holiday season, and to my one black friend who actually celebrates Kwaanza, I'm sorry your holiday is the butt of so many jokes, but come on.

NOTE: Again to all my Jewish friends: I don't really know how to spell Chanukkah, but I'm pretty sure I got it right. Still, the Firefox spell checker suggested "Chauncey", so if I'm off, I'm also sorry.