SkyMall Part Two

Part One

I just flew home to Pittsburgh for a little doctor appointment action and a lot of Super Bowl watching. As is my custom, I took time from busy in flight schedule of looking like a big shot for the girl sitting across the aisle (this consists of opening my laptop, typing like a mad man, and getting angry from time to time. it never works, because I'm usually flying Southwest, and if I really was a big shot, I probably wouldn't be) to flip through the SkyMall catalogue.

Every season brings a new SkyMall, and this was my first flight of the Winter Post-Christmas season, so I excitedly turned the pages, looking for the new stuff. I didn't have to go far. On page three was this beauty; a Phillips HeartStart Automated Defibrillator.

This defibrillator, once only available to those with...well...heart problems...is now available to the deathaphobic public for the low, low price of $1495. (that's only $45 a month!) Since it's likely very, very illegal to use price as an incentive to pick one of these up (or at the very least, in Adam Carola-esque bad taste), they've sweetened the deal with some great pack-ins; an American Red Cross First Aid Kit (pretty handy actually), Adult Practice Pads (what?), and an attractive wall mount. That's right. A wall mount. For your new defibrillator. Which you don't need. Unless you're dying. Which you might be. So you should probably get one. Definitely. You should definitely get one. And wear it all time. Just in case. Because you might die soon.

If I had an extra $8970, I'd buy one for each of my roommates. Then, I'd get custom made rubber suits, with a logo of a heart with a lightning bolt going through it. Then we'd wander the streets of Chicago with our defibrillators, looking for someone, anyone who'd just suffered sudden cardiac arrest, and then we'd mash play on a boombox, the theme to Greatest American Hero would blare out, and we'd swoop in and save the day. Then, when the person wakes up and says "Thank You", we'd say "Don't thank us. Thank SkyMall!". Then we'd mash play again, and throw smoke bombs on the ground, and escape leaving everyone to say, "SkyMall sells defibrillators?".

The second to last thing I'd like to say about this is that I cannot for the life of me imagine a person who:
a) flies Southwest Airlines and
b) has an extra $1495 to throw around

irrational fear of death is irrelevant; this is a crash cart with out a horse.

The last thing I'd like to say about this is that I have been a satisfied defibrillator customer since 2000. My St. Jude Photon has saved my life over a dozen times, and I don't want to be crass about something that has done so much for me. But Still! SkyMall?! This makes the Gandalf Sword in the Lord of the Rings section downright practical.