Wednesday, February 08, 2006

SkyMall Part Two

Part One

I just flew home to Pittsburgh for a little doctor appointment action and a lot of Super Bowl watching. As is my custom, I took time from busy in flight schedule of looking like a big shot for the girl sitting across the aisle (this consists of opening my laptop, typing like a mad man, and getting angry from time to time. it never works, because I'm usually flying Southwest, and if I really was a big shot, I probably wouldn't be) to flip through the SkyMall catalogue.

Every season brings a new SkyMall, and this was my first flight of the Winter Post-Christmas season, so I excitedly turned the pages, looking for the new stuff. I didn't have to go far. On page three was this beauty; a Phillips HeartStart Automated Defibrillator.

This defibrillator, once only available to those with...well...heart problems...is now available to the deathaphobic public for the low, low price of $1495. (that's only $45 a month!) Since it's likely very, very illegal to use price as an incentive to pick one of these up (or at the very least, in Adam Carola-esque bad taste), they've sweetened the deal with some great pack-ins; an American Red Cross First Aid Kit (pretty handy actually), Adult Practice Pads (what?), and an attractive wall mount. That's right. A wall mount. For your new defibrillator. Which you don't need. Unless you're dying. Which you might be. So you should probably get one. Definitely. You should definitely get one. And wear it all time. Just in case. Because you might die soon.

If I had an extra $8970, I'd buy one for each of my roommates. Then, I'd get custom made rubber suits, with a logo of a heart with a lightning bolt going through it. Then we'd wander the streets of Chicago with our defibrillators, looking for someone, anyone who'd just suffered sudden cardiac arrest, and then we'd mash play on a boombox, the theme to Greatest American Hero would blare out, and we'd swoop in and save the day. Then, when the person wakes up and says "Thank You", we'd say "Don't thank us. Thank SkyMall!". Then we'd mash play again, and throw smoke bombs on the ground, and escape leaving everyone to say, "SkyMall sells defibrillators?".

The second to last thing I'd like to say about this is that I cannot for the life of me imagine a person who:
a) flies Southwest Airlines and
b) has an extra $1495 to throw around

irrational fear of death is irrelevant; this is a crash cart with out a horse.

The last thing I'd like to say about this is that I have been a satisfied defibrillator customer since 2000. My St. Jude Photon has saved my life over a dozen times, and I don't want to be crass about something that has done so much for me. But Still! SkyMall?! This makes the Gandalf Sword in the Lord of the Rings section downright practical.

3 Comments:

Blogger nowpicnic said...

dear baz, how come no one writes comments on your blog? i will start a trend.

thing a: it's funny. you try and impress people on the plane by typing away on your laptop, while i take the opposite tactic. i usually have some legitimate High Energy Particle Physicist Work to be doing, and if i whip that shit out on plane, all I get is questions from my nearby passengers. "What's that?" "That looks hard!" "Is that math? Are you studying for a math test, little girl?" So, I usually go the "I'm just reading Harry Potter like everyone else. Lay off!" route.

thing b: Those Sky Mall catalogs are on all the airlines, standard. Maybe people flying first class on ... United? American? have the cash to thrown down for the defibrillator.

thing c: I love the image of the suits and smoke bombs and the theme music. Make that come true, please?

-- kathy

5:09 PM  
Blogger baz said...

yeah, it's lonely around here. geoff comes by and says stuff sometimes, but usually it's just me yelling at a brick wall....sigh.

thanks for coming by, scientist! if i had to pick one subset of science to study, it would be high energy particle physics. that's where you smash protons, right? my favorite part would be yelling "smash! smash! smash!" as the accelerator got up to speed, then high-fiving the other scientists when the particles collided, yelling "YES! AWESOME!!".

Also, I'd try putting things like tonka trucks and forks into the accelerator. i'd name the new element Fonkamium. Or Bazium. Maybe Bazfonkium. Or just Smash.

5:32 PM  
Blogger nowpicnic said...

funny story.

one of the guys i work with got his doctorate last year, and his mom's maiden name was Funk. F.U.N.K. Funk. He wished he'd gotten his mama's name, cause then he'd be Doctor Funk, Particle Physicist.

and we do yell "smash! smash!" a lot. you've got us there.

-- k

11:53 PM  

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