Friday, December 30, 2005

Conditions of Surrender

Members of the Liberal Secular Army:
Gentlepeople, we've fought a valiant battle. I would gladly have died along side each and every one of you. However, it is clear now that we can not attain victory, and we must acquiesce to our opponent. Christmas has won.

Many of us felt that this was our year, the year Christmas would finally succumb. Fate, it seems, was not with us. In light of our massive casualties, and our continued inability to gain traction against this wily adversary, it is in our best interest, and indeed the best interest of everyone in the world, that we lay down our arms and accept Christmas' terms unequivocally.

In Agreement on Cessation of Hostilities Between the LSA and Christmas, We Agree to the Following:

• Article One: The term "Happy Holidays" has been outlawed, and replaced by "Merry Christmas".
• Subarticle: Ramadan, Hanukkah, Yule and Kwanzaa have been moved to their lunar calendar equivalent in June/July to avoid conflict with Article One.
• Subarticle: New Year's Day is now March 4th, to avoid conflict with Article One.
• Article Two: The period between Thanksgiving and Christmas shall henceforth be known as "The Christmas Season"
• Article Three: Belief in Jesus Christ is to remain optional during the Christmas Season to allow non-Christians to celebrate Christmas.
• Article Four: All references to holidays aside from Christmas contained in "Christmas Songs" (complete list forthcoming) shall be removed or replaced with syllabically coherent Christmas references. Example:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
And A Happy Christmas
• Article Five: Christmas' shall henecforth be numbered like Super Bowls, making Christmas 2005 Christmas I, 2006 Christmas II, and so on, reflecting on and celebrating the year of Christmas' Official Victory.
• Subarticle: Once the roman numeral system becomes too complicated (Christmas XLIV, or the 2049), we revert to standard numerals (ie: Christmas 44)

Given the roundedness of our defeat, we feel that these conditions are fair and just. Though it breaks our hearts to admit it, our War On Christmas was in effect, futile, and we can only pray (in a figurative sense) that our children and their children don't make the same mistake.

That said, I thank you all for your service, and am legally required to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

The Secularist Media and Collected Atheists of America, commanding Office of the Army of Liberal Secularists.


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