Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Dinner of Champions

So, we now have a new audio recording from Osama Bin Laden. And tension's rising in Iran and Palestine and Israel are rekindling their hatred officially. I think it's time for all these hot heads and anyone else threatening world destruction to sit down and figure this whole thing out. Seriously, have a nice meal or something. How about Denny's? Georgie, Osama you guys like Denny's?

Setting: The smoking section of a Denny's.

George Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Tony Blair, Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (President of Iran), Mahmoud Abbas (Leader of Palestine), Moshe Katsav (President of Israel), and George Maxwell Richards (President of Trinidad and Tobago) who just happened to be eating in the same Denny's all sit at a table preparing to order

George W.B.: I know what I'm gonna get. Don't even need a menu. Just need that Grand Slam Buffet. How 'bout you, Osama?

Osama B.L.: I can't decide. Moons Over My Hammy or just french fries with gravy.

George W.B.: That's not even a question, Osama. Moons Over My Hammy. This is Denny's. You can get fries with gravy at any local diner.

Osama B.L.: That's what you think.

(All at the table laugh, except Kim J.I.)

(Cut to fifteen minutes later. All have food.)

George W.B. (to Kim J.I.): What's the matter, Jong? Can I call you Jong? You been sad as a sad dog all day.

Kim J.I.: My name is Kim. Nothing's the matter.

George W.B.M: You need a pair of chopsticks?

Kim J.I.: No.

Tony B.: It's only eggs and bacon, anyway. It shouldn't be too hard to use a fork.

Kim J.I.: I know how to use a fork.

George W.B.: Good. You know, I'm always getting confused. Which stick's the right stick and which one's the left?

(Kim J.I.'s sits in silence, his face turning red.)

Tony B.: I'm feeling a little tension here. So, let's drop the subject and move on.

George W.B.: Good idea, Tony. Osama, I can't remember, you know how to use a fork?

Osama B.L.: Yes.

George W.B.: There you go. We got something in common here. See guys, we got something in common. Now, let's just find what we all have in common. Everyone who agrees with my plan, raise your hand.

(All raise their hands except Mahmoud Ah., who's been sculpting his mashed potatos.)

George W.B.: Ha, ha. I tricked ya'll. Now you have to do whatever I say.

Mahmoud Ah.: I didn't raise my hand.

George W.B.: See, now that's just it, Mahmoud. Get your hands out of your potatos and raise your hand like everyone else.

Mahmoud Ah.: No. I'm busy.

George W.B.: Doing what?

Mahmoud Ah.: This.

(He lifts his napkin and reveals a mashed potato-made nuclear missile. All at the table gasp in surprise.)

Tony B.: Mahmoud, eat your mashed potatos like everyone else.

Mahmoud Ah.: George didn't eat his.

George W.B.: Yes, I did.

Mahmoud Ab.: You're lying. I saw you covering them up with your mozzarella sticks!

George W.B.: There's too many Mahmouds here!

Tony B.: Whoa, whoa. Let's get back on track.

George W.B.: Fine. Once Mahmoud 1 eats his mashed potatos.

Mahmoud Ah.: I can keep my mashed potatos here if you can keep yours.

George W.B.: I don't like mashed potatos!

George M.R.: I'm confused. Are you talking literally or metaphorically?

George W.B.: Literally! I don't like mashed potatos! Metaphorically, I like mashed potatos, but I don't like anyone else to like mashed potatos!

Moshe K.: What about sharing your mashed potatos?

George M.R.: Literally or metaphorically?

George W.B.: Metaphorically-no. Literally-fine. Unless you've got syphilis or gangrene or somethin.

Mahmoud Ah.: Gangrene's not contagious.

George W.B.: How do you know?

Mahmoud Ah.: It's not.

George W.B.: Takes one to know one.

Mahmoud Ah.: What?

Osama B.L., Moshe K., Kim J.I.: We're confused.

George W.B.: Literally or metaphorically?

Osama B.L., Moshe K., Kim J.I.: Both.

George W.B.: So am I.

Tony B.: Right. Let's take a potty break. Say-five minutes?

(Everyone leaves the table except George M.R. who sits at the table for five then six then seven then eight then nine then ten minutes then realizes he's been stiffed with the bill.)


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