Monday, November 07, 2005

A Chat With Nancy Kerrigan Part 5

The following is the conclusion of a five-part (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) telephone interview with Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan that was conducted after I came across her name in a crossword puzzle.

Me: All you have to do is say yes or no. Either one is a suitable answer and I assure you that you won't be judged for your response.

Nancy: When I was six years old-

Me: Nancy-

Nancy: I'm getting to it. But, first I want to tell this story. When I was six years old, my mother and I made cookies for a Christmas gathering at our house. My mother told me I couldn't have one until the company had arrived and the party had started. Never have I wanted a cookie so bad in all my life. There were Santas and Snowmen all covered in icing and they
all seemed to be calling my name. I couldn't wait, wouldn't wait. After all, I helped make them and I was hungry from all the work. Didn't I deserve a reward? One measly cookie, mom! What a bitch! I could feel my arm reaching toward the plate and there was that nagging voice of my mother-

Me: Nancy, yes or no, would you seek revenge?

Nancy: Um-YES or NO! I don't know.

Me: Nancy, if you had a steel pipe and could prevent Tonya Harding from winning in the Olympics, would you, in retaliation for all that she did to you, bash her leg?

Nancy: I-

Me: She hurt not only you, but your chances of winning a gold medal for your country. She destroyed your dreams, all that you'd worked your entire life to gain-

Nancy: YES!!! All right! YES!! If I ran into Tonya Harding in another Olympics, I would seek revenge! I would bash her legs in and then tear them from her body and shove them up her ass!!! Not all the way though. I'd want her disembodied legs to stick out of her ass-skates laced on tight, so that I could push her out onto the ice-her torso pointing skyward, her
body stuck in a permanent human 'L' -and watch her sow-cow, watch her lutz! AND LAUGH!! AND LAUGH!! AND LAUGH!! AND LAUGH!!! (Maniacal Figure Skater cackle ensues.)AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH-

ME: Thanks for you time, Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan. I wish you nothing but the best.

And with that, I set the phone on the receiver and got back to my life. Perhaps someday I'll run across her name in another Chicago Trib crossword puzzle and think fondly of this lovely chat we had together. Perhaps I'll see the letter "L" and think fondly of Tonya Harding. The world's filled with perhapses I suppose.


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