SkyMall Part Four

Part Three
Part Two
Part One

I flew back to PIttsburgh last Thursday, and you know what that means- more quality time with the American version of the Canterbury Tales, SkyMall!.

This week's featured item is actually a trifecta of consumerist excess; ladies and gentlemen, I present to you three new and different though not necessarily better ways to cook a hot dog.

Choice number 1: The Hot Dog Rotisserie Griller. For all of us who have longed for the hot dog that tastes like it was cooked in a 7-11, the long sought home hot roller system is finally here. Also included is a skewer style bun warmer, for those of us who simply can't have room temperature hot dog buns. Counting the two skewers and four hot rollers, that's six surfaces upon which you can give yourself a second degree burn! As an added bonus, you can impale yourself with the bun warmers, too! Now that's what I call progress.


Choice number 2: The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. If necessity is the mother of invention, unnecessity is the mother of the Pop Up Hot Dog Cooker, the makers of which apparently asked the question none of us have been asking: "Do hot dogs taste better if they're cooked vertically?". The answer is "I doubt I'll ever find out", as by the time I've gone through enough regular hot dog cooking mechanisms like grills, stoves, and broilers, this company will have long since gone out of business. As you can see it's basically a toaster with hot dog shaped slots and, again, a bun warmer. What is it with the bun warmers? I can't ever recall having a hot dog served on a heated bun at any point in my life. Ah well. C'est la stupid idea.


Choice number 3: The Party Maker Oven. The name implies that this item makes parties, but I'm pretty sure that the only thing coming out of it is a warmer hot dog than the one you put it. This product falls short of the personal injury possibilities offered by the Hot Dog Rotisserie Griller by placing a door over it's bun warmer, so that's one strike against it. The description states that it "practically cleans itslef", which means you still have to clean it. A more accurate phrase would be "It doesn't really clean itself, it just collects the mess in one place so you only have to clean that!", but I guess that doesn't roll off the tongue or sound like that strong a selling point. The best line in the product description, though, is this gem: "With this innovation, you can get rid of that hot dog griller and that toaster oven". That's great and all, but last i checked combining two rarely used appliances into one just creates one rarely used appliance. And what happens when someone creates a combination Party Maker Oven and, say, Waffle Iron? Then all six people that have a hot dog griller, toaster oven, and waffle iron will just buy that, and half your customer base is gone.


Believe it or not, I found six things even dumber than these hot dog cookers. Keep waiting for me to fly places and then post them here!