From My Desk

It has been hard lately to get to a computer. Makes me realize what it must have been like for the pioneers, treading those long, unkempt paths. In the near-future I plan to own one of these gadgets (computers, not pioneers). Until then, I have realized that I am all right. I find that, while at times I crave a tap at the ol' keys, by and by I still feel complete if I don't. I'd like to have a computer, sure. But, I still sleep well at night without one. Some people would call this non-committal. I like to call it adaptable. It's a philosophy I've cultivated through a lifetime cocktail of major and minor crises. Growing up on the streets, falling into a life of crime with the Hungarian mafia, my entire family murdered, yada, yada.* Roll with the punches I suppose. Make the most of it all. Whatever "it all" may be. Currently "it all" is a lack of internet. So, for now, my contributions may seem lacking. But I will be back in full force when the time comes. In fact, our group in general has fallen along the internet wayside and somewhat on the wayside wayside, too. But, I can assure you that while we may seem to be asleep, we are merely silently plotting. And The Animal Club will be up and kicking like a drunken donkey club real soon!

*This lifetime cocktail not necessarily my own.
Mostly it's the life cocktail of fictitious crime lord, Keyser Soze.

Ding!

I just wanted to say thanks to the lady on Southwest who gave the funniest, most gleeful Safety Lecture I've ever witnessed. Some highlights:

"If this flight turns into a cruise, you might need this inflatable vest..."

"Pull the oxygen mask over your mouth. deposit 25¢ for the first three minutes..."

"We hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride..."

It started off cute and almost annoying, but I'm being completely honest when I say she had solid comedic timing, and some pretty good (read: better than Sinbad) jokes in there. I was this close to telling her that I work for iO and she might have a future. But she's my competition, and the longer she goes unnoticed, the better for me.

you say tomato...

...I say Republican traitor. I joke! I kid! You might remember me mentioning my childhood best friend turned GOP shill Tom "chugger" Baker, who has run for elected office as an elephant. He just joined the blogosphere, so let's welcome him with a proper inundation of liberal nonsense!

baby i gotcha money

Hells yeah, I'm on vacation. Sorry, yinzers, I made this visit to pgh x-trqa incognito, cause this cat's got development deals and brain matter leakin' out my fuckin' ears. Blammo!

Rolled into the 412 on thursday night, rocked some sweet nothings on the family boat thru saturday, then made nice with the roller coasters out kennywood way. Did I say blammo!

How about right now, right this second? I'm sitting in a dentist's waiting room, yo! Whiter, healthier teeth are just a blammo away- let's make that shit happen!

Later today, I'm taking this show to another doctor's office, followed by lunch (blammo), record store (blammo) and the airport (double blammo). That's what comedy star vacations are made of. And my vacations are just like my daily life- best summed up with a "blammo".

This post is done in a style meant to pay tribute to the chorus' short-lived character, Flash. I am really on vacation, though.

Pluto is the Weakest Link®...Goodbye!

Pluto Got Voted Off The Island!
Pluto fails to grab six rings in the pool, eliminated from Solar System
Roommates take vote, Pluto turns in keys to the house
Pluto loses reality show

Oldie But Goodie

Via Thomas Middleditch

Hilton: "I, like, cry when I listen to my CD"

Us, too, Paris. Us too.

Scientific Study

How Much Starbucks Coffee Does It Take To Burn Your Skin?

Hypothesis: I'd estimate it takes "Not too much" to burn oneself, and estimate the lower limits of this arbitrary amount to be in the range of 1-2ml.

Method:
1. Purchase a cup of Starbucks Americano
2. Walk with it through Wrigleyville
3. Spill progressive amounts on arm while walking
4. Notate how burning sensation relates to amount spilled.

Findings:
I was surprised by how little it takes to create a burn; my estimate of 1-2ml was in fact, very high. Turns out one molecule of Americano can generate 2nd degree burns on contact, 3rd degree if left unsmothered for longer than 6 nanoseconds.

Recommendations:
Avoid Starbucks Americano at all costs. If you must drink Americano due to dependance or elitism, wear long-sleeved sweatshirts, and protective slickers if possible.

Most Informative Article Ever

Poop On A Plane.

Hi, by the way.

Moving, Moving, Moving

Hey. Sorry it's taken so long for a new post to go up. Baz and I both moved recently. I am without a computer for a bit of time. So, my posts will be going up renegade-style from various computers across this great city. For now, here's a picture of a horse yelling at something:

Awwwwwww

What Will The Children Think?

A 30 year old Chinese man became the second successful recipient of a face transplant. received a partial face transplant after half of his face was ripped off when he tried to chase a black bear away from his cows with a stick.

Wonderful news, for sure. But, what worries me is that this story will go down in history as a testament to the wonders of medicine and not as a warning to not chase bears with sticks.

Grrrr

I just moved my car. The air conditioner blew 140˚ air into my face.

It's official.

I hate summer.