My Favorite Thing...

...about this blog is the number of times I was able to promise we'd hit 1000 posts.

2005
2006
2007
2008

makes me not want to actually hit 1000 posts afterall...

Epic Fail

Dave Freeman, the author of "100 Things To Do Before You Die", a travel book listing places to see in your lifetime, died today.

"Freeman's relatives said he visited about half the places on his list before he died"

Visa...It's Everywhere...

Um.....

Michael Phelps just broke the record for most career Olympic gold medals five minutes ago.

Um.....

Visa just aired a commercial congratulating Michael Phelps for breaking the record for most career Olympic gold medals three minutes ago.

Morgan Freeman provided the voice over.

Yes, the 21st century has arrived.

It is possible that the 21st century arrived previously. But, this is the first Visa commercial that proved it for me.

Animal Club Nostalgia: Chinatown

I was just reminded, somehow, of a truly great moment in Animal Club history. We were in San Francisco for their sketchfest, maybe in 2005 or something like that. During an off-day, we made like tourists and did all the things tourists do in San Francisco; Cable cars, Alcatraz, Rice-A-Roni jokes, Eddie Izzard quotes, Fisherman's Wharf and finally, glorious Chinatown. While perusing wares in an exceptionally shady shop, Shane and I took a moment to take in the music. Decidedly Pan-Asian in nature, the verse was an incomprehensible smatter of foreign language in a standard 1-4-5 pop arrangement. The chorus, however, was entirely in English. And these, verbatim, are the lyrics:

"Don't mess around with me
I'm on a winning spree
Don't mess around with me
I'm on a winning spree"

Then, much as you from this post to your regular life, the singer returned to what I presume to be her native tongue.

This is the manner of thing I cling to when comparing my life to those of the engineers, doctors, lawyers and computer programmers I went to high school with.

An Short Interview With The Kool Aid Man

An Introduction.
Kool-Aid Man is the mascot for Kool-Aid, a popular drink. The character has appeared on television and print advertising as a fun-loving and jolly beverage provider, appearing to children everywhere sharing his Kool-Aid beverage, and yelling "Oh yeah!". He is a gigantic anthropomorphic pitcher, filled with Tropical Punch Kool-Aid and marked with a fingerpainted smiley face. In 2005, the Kool-Aid Man celebrated his 30th birthday.



Me: Let me just start off by saying that I love your work, Mr. Kool Aid Man.

Kool Aid Man: Please, please. Just Kool Aid.

Me: Oh. Sure. Kool Aid. I love your work, Kool Aid.

Kool Aid Man: Thank you.

Me: What would you be if you weren’t a pitcher of Kool Aid, Kool Aid?

Kool Aid Man: I don't know. Milk.

Me: Yeah?

Kool Aid Man: Oh yeah.

Me: Thank you.

A Postscipt.

In 2000, a new series of commercials were created for Kool-Aid Fierce and the actor chosen to play Kool-Aid Man was Jon Carr. Kool-Aid Man's punchline was when he jumped through the wall while everyone was saying "Oh no!!". Then he comes in and says "OH YEEEEEEAH!".

A year on...

I just decided I'm sick of this blog not hitting the 1000 post mark. I'm going to email Shane and get the gang back together for 40 more blogposts. Then, and only then, will I be able to re-close the book on this chapter of my online life.

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you know that the stories of our absence have been slightly exaggerated, but one thing we can say is true. The Animal Club, as we've known it for seven years, is wrapping it up. It's an amicable seperation. And in many ways, we're still going to be working on many projects together. I like to think of it as spreading and not seperating. And I also like to misspell seperation/seperating (separation/separating). We've got some new territory we want to explore. So, shed a tear if you must, but don't be sad for too long. We move on with fond memories and have no idea what's to come next, but it all seems pretty exciting.

We're keeping the website up to let everyone know what we're up to. It may just morph into something completely different, too. But, keep checking it. Also, we're going to have a crazy last show this summer (tba) in our birthplace, that ol' city o' steel, and were hoping to bring back all former Animal Club members and turn it into a big reunion. We'll obviously let you know about all that as it unfolds.

Biggest complete news we have in regard to this is that we're going to keep this blog going. Because, well, because we're too close to 1000 posts not to. So, please, keep coming back here.

And without further adue, orangutan boxing:

This One Time... At Space Camp...

I'm sure every blog in the world has better one-liners for this than I do; that's fine. I'm not really in a one liner mood anyway. I'm more in a Daily Show like mood, where you just show the thing you want to make fun of and let it make fun of itself. Without further ado:

Astronaut Plans To Attempt To Murder Other Astronaut For Loving Another Astronaut

But I'd really like to hear what Kathy Scientist has to say about this.

Temperatures?

So, is it below zero where you blog?

I Mean It's Almost A Month Later, And I'm Still Amazed!

Holy F'ing God Damned Future Phone!

Gerald Ford : 19?? - 2006

Gerald Ford passed away yesterday. To commemorate the occasion, President Bush has ordered a National Day of Shrugging And Vague Recolection Of The Dana Carvey Sketch Where He Was Tom Brokaw Pre-Taping Death Notices For Gerald Ford.

Yes, I've been waiting a month for something worth blogging. Death of a former President? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Five Way

Bonus points for me because that's a single-and-a-half-entendre. How so?

• This is my fifth blog post today
• This is about a gratuitous quintuple kidney transplant

Johns Hopkins scheduled a five-way kidney transplant - 5 patients, 5 donors. If this was some kind of bizarre coincidence, I'd have been okay with it. It's not every day a transplant surgeon gets to be all, "Damn, we're really getting slammed today". But they did this as, and I quote, "a demonstration to the rest of the world that this is possible if everyone wants to work together."

Bullshit.

That's the same phony psuedo-humility athletes use when they win a title, or mid-managers use to buff up employee moral. This was a transplant unit whipping it's dick out, showing it to the rest of the transplant units across the country, and screaming, "Call me John Holmes, bitches", then coming all over their faces. As if the transplant team at St. Francis in Evanston didn't have an inferiority complex already.

Also, how did they convince the patients who needed the transplants to survive that it would be better if they got their life saving treatment at the same time as four other people? "Well, we got you a kidney, but if you can hold out for like two more days, we're gonna blow some fucking minds!"

I wonder if a rep from Guinness was there. I wonder if they have a record for simultaneous transplant surgeries. And if so, I wonder why. Can't imagine that started many bar fights.

Well, I'm off to protest Johns Hopkins for being transplant-unit bullies. If you want to join me, I'll be simultaneously smoking six packs of cigarettes, guzzling grain alcohol, not exercising, swallowing diet pills by the dozen, and sticking my hand into an industrial wood chipper in hopes of needing the world's first quintuple organ transplant (lungs, liver, heart, kidneys and hand). Not for personal glorification, mind you, but rather to show the world that it's possible if I decide to work with myself.

Four is a Round Number

Whereas three is not. Roundness, friends. That's the goal of every sketch comedy blog. Objective met.

I sure wish Shane would start writing again. Sigh.

The Way I See It

I’m not as interesting as the art I consume. Are you?

Bullet Points

• This is the 950th post in ACSCC blog history.
• This marks the first (1st) time in ACSCC blog history that all writers besides Baz have been bumped from the front page due to sheer volume
• Rumor has it Shane just bought a computer
• Rumor has it also that Mike was in some kind of parade on Saturday
• Guitar Hero beaten on easy and medium; hard is giving me fits
• Best free MMORPG ever
• Sketch Comedy. Yeah.

Grammar Much?

well, at least they got the "carnage" part right.

People. We Can Do Better.

The internet is only 1% porn.

Pain Of Worth

Since August, every other post on the AC blog has started with "Sorry we haven't been blogging..." and far be it from me to poke tradition in the eye. That said, sorry we haven't been blogging, but this time, we've got a good, no, GREAT excuse.

Guitar Hero II.

I picked up GH2 and a spare SG controller, and have since logged a solid eight hours of rocking. I hooked the game up to the Animal Club's video projector, so I'm rocking out, with an associate, in front of a 100" screen. Life may get better than this, but I don't care if I find out.

The copious amount of playing had rendered my left hand useless. It still hurts, but today I can hunt-and-peck a lil' bit better.

In summary, go get Guitar Hero II.

That is all.

For Stefan Lawrence

and maybe some other people, too

French Bread Grossness

I usually stop at a gas station on my way to work to pick up coffee and a muffin. Near the coffee machine is a freezer that contains various kinds of French Bread Pizza. The side of said freezer has little explosion graphics with descriptive words inside them, supposedly in reference to the pizzas contained therein. Some of the descriptive words:

Delicious!
Cheesy!
Chewy!

um...chewy? Chewy. Would you ever use the word chewy to describe a pizza you were trying to sell someone?

I bought three.

Say Goodnight, Gracie

In case you haven't noticed, the fate of the GOP controlled Senate is in the hands of Burns & Allen.

openhuman

move over, myspace. openhuman is here.

openhuman is an open-source voluntary database of people. you create a page about yourself, then write "confessions" and "facts" about yourself. the site also encourages you to post naked pictures of yourself. uh, so there's that.

i highly recommend doing this, though i have no idea why you'd want to. you can't view other people's pages, there's no "random human" button, there's no friend system. it's just a list of shit about yourself that the database owners make freely available to whoever wants it. i say what the hell. go for it. i did (no naked pictures yet. sorry.)

Politics + Comedy = Power?

Feeling politically active? Have a cell plan with free weekend minutes? If so, come on down to the iO annex Saturday at noon for a phone party. Jeremy Sosenko has obtained a list of registered democrats who we will call and gently remind to vote on Tuesday. Don't worry; it's not as shady as it sounds. This is an officially sanctioned action, though by who I'm not sure. Either way, we'll meet in the third beat room and spread to my office if needed. My office has a dart board, remote control Hummer, and a putting green if you get bored. The good times start killing you* at noon, and won't stop till you get enough** (or 3:00, whichever comes first).

* - ©2004, Modest Mouse, used with Permission
** - ©1978, Michael Jackson, used without Permission

Lying Asshat

Plugs! Plugs for Friends!

A bunch of my sketch friends are involved in a really great project headed up by the JibJab people; it's a contest where groups wrote pieces set in a jail and then went out to LA to film them with John Landis of Animal House fame, and is dubbed The Great Sketch Experiment. I'd be remiss if I showed any kind of favoritism here, so I'll just list them in random order:

Tall Cop Short Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tall Cop/Short Cop" by Elephant Larry

So You Want to be a Cop | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"So You Wanna Be A Cop" by Karla featuring members of Brick and Troop!

Tom and Tina | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

"Tom and Tina" by Train of Thought

Faith Restored

There's a crew of AT&T linemen working out behind iO right now, and they've just reaffirmed my belief in blue-collarism. An overheard conversion, verbatim to wit:

WORKER 1: So they got you doin' stuff again?

WORKER 2: Fuckin' yeah. And fucking' up here fuckin' working wires and fuckin'.

WORKER: 1: Oh yeah?

WORKER 2: Fuck yeah. Fuckin'.

AT&T. Fuckin' reach out and touch someone, you fuck.

Score 1 4 U Tube

Pavement ruins Goldie Hawn's visit on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, circa 1996:

Great Headline, Great Article

Semi-famous actress dumps on the 'Burgh. The semi-famous actress in question was Sienna Miller who I contend is more than semi-famous. She's actually famous. Nora Dunn is someone I'd describe as semi-famous actress. Or Skee-Lo, if we were talking about semi-famous rappers.

I know us simple Pittsburghers (former, even) can't compete with the Londons and New Yorks of the world, but we do have the most cole-slaw and french-fry filled sandwiches in the world.

Related: The corpse of Fred Rogers rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in Sienna Miller's general direction. On it were the words: "Don't Tread On Pittsburgh".

Also Related: The corpse of Andy Warhol rose from the grave, and exposed his bare ass in The Corpse Of Fred Rogers' general direction. On it were the words: "She's right, you know."

Video of Robotic Arm Caressing Chia Head

No Shit.

via Slashdot

Bad Video-off!

What's the worse combination of sights and sounds? YOU be the judge!

The Contender: "Shine A Little Love" by Electric Light Orchestra


The Champion: "Separate Ways" by Journey

Ho Hum

This "write post window" has been open for four hours. Seems I can't really come up with much to say. Hmmm. I guess I could tell you what Animal Club has been up to. Let's do that.

Animal Club went on a hiatus after the New York Sketchfest in June. We've been going at it for six years now, and some time off was desperately needed. We've been writing new stuff during that time, so it's not like we stopped working, we just stopped reaping the benefits of working. We've got a nice batch of new material that we'll be trying out when we wake up. We're taking out time with it because we think we have to at this point; after three years of touring and writing and performing and producing, we've kind of hit a point where we need to make a real impact with our next show. So that's that. In the meantime, we've been "hired" as "writers" for a project we're not really allowed to talk about. It's a nice affirmation, but we don't know what benefits it'll pay beyond that. As soon as we're allowed to talk about it, you'll know. Ruth is moving on to different pastures, having spent the past six months touring with McDonald's, and she's gotten more offers while on tour. Obviously we wish her the best.

Personally, I've taken up residence at iO as the director of media development and booking shows and shit like that. It keeps me very busy, but now I'm officially employed full time in showbiz, so there's that.

Tom keeps on trucking, Mike keeps on fucking, and Shane lives by himself. All in all, it's a good time to an AC member. But it's not a good time to be a blogger. Wonder why that is?

Anyway, I hope all of you are caught up now, and we'll let you know when we decide to start performing again.

Peaces!

OMFG!

Worst website name ever?

Cigarettespedia.

In case you were wondering AND too lazy to click on the link, yes, it is a Wikipedia of Cigarettes. Press "Random Page" a bunch of times. It's fun?

Reluctant Genius

I got the reluctant thing down. Now what?