A Thought About James Lipton

I just watched a rerun of Inside The Actors Studio with Dave Chappelle as the guest and I'm not sure if James Lipton is capable of natural laughter. Part of me wants to believe that he can, but part of me really thinks all he does is press play on a tape recorder, open his mouth, and jiggle.

What a bust...

Damnit. When someone says Tornado Warming, they better mean there's a tornado outside. I got all fired up to be a part of history- a tornado bearing down on wrigley field during the cubs-cards series. How awesome would that have been? And by awesome, I mean catastrophic.

But yeah, it didn't even rain. The sky looked nice and green and menacing, then nothing. Not even a rumble of thunder. Boo!

TORNADO WARNING!

YES! Tornado Spotted South of Chicago! Strong storms converging over the city! Danger! Excitement! Woot!

Floyd Landis Wins! American Floyd Landis Wins The Tour De France!

And, honestly, you have to ask who cares?

In other news, Lance Armstrong walked to a 7 Eleven today and bought a cherry Slurpee, a pack of Ice Breakers gum, and a copy of the latest edition of People magazine. Rumor has it he drank the Slurpee while reading the magazine and when finished with the Slurpee he opened the pack of gum and had just one stick. He hadn't finished reading the People magazine at the time of this print.

Got Me Some Spam

I got some spam in my inbox today, not unlike any other day or any other person for that matter. But, there was one that caught my eye:
Get A Super Mutant Dick
I almost deleted it, but stopped short. What kind of super mutant dick? It was all so non-specific and even in the body of the email I could find no answers. Some mutant powers would be great for your dick. I, for one, would love my dick to have esp and perhaps even some telekinetic powers. The power of flight would also be great for my dick. I, however, would be uncomfortable if my dick had shapeshifting powers. It'd be amusing for a bit probably, but the third or fourth time my dick turned into a rabid squirrel, I think I'd be annoyed. And what about if your dick could just disappear altogether? I wouldn't want an invisible dick.
So, I'm going to delete the email and wait for a more specific super mutant dick offer.

The Things I Don't Know

Could fill wikipedia. Par example...Christopher Guest is a proper Lord Baron, specifically, the 5th Baron Haden-Guest of Sailing in the County of Essex.

While he wasn't making one of my favorite movies of all time, he was attending meetings in the House of Lords.

A piece of legislation in 1999 made his title officially powerless, barring hereditary Lords from their seats, and since his children are all adopted, the Baronship will pass to his brother when he dies. But still, a real-life Baron? How cool is that? How cool is he? How cool am I? How cool are we?

Summer of 1000 Blog Posts Update

Getting closer!

we're holding at 902 (903 including this one), and as Shane and I (by all accounts, the only people who ever post on this blog) are moving soon, we think it'll be a fun challenge to hit the grand by the time we move into our new places, that being August 4th. My math isn't all that great, and neither is my patience, so let's just say we have to average seven posts per day to get there.

The big question is can we keep the rigid pace up without losing any of the high quality, inspirational writing that drives so many of you to our comments section. I think I can safely say the answer is a resounding...most likely.

Onward and sideways!

G8 Summit

President Bush met with other world leaders in Saint Petersburg, Russia for the annual G-8 conference not too long ago. Big topic: Israel, Lebanon, and Hezbollah. At the end of the summit, they had concluded that "the violence was triggered by the capture of two Israeli soldiers by Hezbollah guerillas in a raid from Lebanon and by Hamas' rocket attacks in Gaza and the abduction of a third Israeli soldier." And, while I'm sure it's important for these guys to get together and chat, their conclusion of this week had already been reached a week ago by every major media source and every Dick, Jane, Sue, Ted, Bill, Sarah, Tim, Tina, and Ike. Good work fellas!

Other conclusions the G8 leaders have come to:
Explosions on train in Bombay were due to bombs detonated by someone who was angry.
Cigarettes can be linked to lung cancer.
Siberia gets colder in the winter. Other places (Antarctica, Minnesota) have similar outcomes.
Regarding Hitler-"Could have been nicer."
If you're looking for a half-man/half-mosquito movie, Mansquito is a safe bet.

Tardiculus Rex

There was a cubs game last night, which meant I had to park about a mile away from io. Fine, no biggie, I do it all the time. (miles walked: 1) I worked my solid, gleeful eight hours, then made the hike back to my automobile (miles walked: 2). When I got there, I realized I forgot my keys, so I walked back to iO (miles walked: 3). My keys were nowhere to be found. I scoured the place. Then I figured I must have dropped them on the walk from my car, so I walked back up to my car (miles walked: 3), didn't find them, so I walked down the other side of the street back to io (miles walked: 4). I spent two more hours looking for my keys before I gave up hope. That left me with a car stuck on a major street during a cubs game with a one in two chance it would be towed before morning. I decided I had to find out for sure, so I walked back up to the car (miles walked: 5), saw it was not in a tow zone until street cleaning a week from yesterday, walked back to io (miles walked: 6), and tried to hail a cab. Then I realized I didn't have any cash, so it was off to the chase machine, which just so happens to be in the el stop (miles walked: 6.3). That ATM was out of order, so I tried to buy an el pass with a card (no dice), so I had to walk to the nearest chase machine (i can't justify paying five bucks to get my own money out of the bank), which was, you guessed it, a mile away (miles walked: 7.3). When I got back to iO to grab my things, i figured, to hell with it, i'll just take the el back (miles walked: 7.6), and made it home a sound four hours after I finished work (total miles walked: 7.9).

There's a happy ending, though. I called a couple of locksmiths, who all said it would be about $200 to get a key reverse-engineered, when my mom had the brilliant suggestion of calling Saturn. Saturn, the company that loves to love me, said "That'll be six dollars, please".

There's a sad ending, though. The Saturn dealership is ten miles from iO. Total distance walked in two days: 27.9.

hmm

Seems that while I was busy worrying about my new job and my big move, world war iii kind of started. Not sure why I'm bringing this up, just a bit worried about my non-chalance. Odd.

Five years ago, I turned my back on a career in foreign service for comedy. I'm tempted at this point to say that was the right decision. If I'd finished my track, I'd be a stooge for W right now, trying to calm tensions in Georgia, and hoping the Chechnians didn't get inspired by Hezbollah, and come after me, the stupid infidel trying to make the best of a bad situation. Who'd have thought poverty and self-doubt would be an attractive alternative?

note- spelling is bad, because this is a Blackberry-authored post. All apologies.

Space Trash

A Japanese Jeweler, Platinum Guild International, is offering to send vows of love into space if you buy one of their wedding platinum rings. Their vows will be put on a DVD and shot into space in a rocket. Sweet in a way. Bizarre in another. And space pollution in still another. Seriously, what's more likely:
A.) A UFO comes careening through space and catches a glimpse of the rocket. They find the DVD and pop it into their DVD player. Somehow they have a DVD player and understand Japanese. They put their DVD on the shelf with MASH seasons 1-11. God, Klinger was funny!

B.) A UFO comes careening through space when a soyuz rocket loaded with Japanese love vows come crashing through its windshield. The UFO veers out of control and slams into rockets containing Timothy Leary's and Gene Roddenberry's ashes. All aliens inside are killed.

How many aliens have to die before we stop sending random shit into space?


FYI
Wanting to leave lasting messages isn't a new idea. Up until the time of Columbus, you could put messages of love on a schooner sent to float off the edge of the earth and during the western expansion of the US in the late 1700-mid 1800s you could have your vows swallowed by a bison and set free for Native Americans to find.

This is it.

This is the last blog post I'll ever write from "my day job". Starting Monday, I work in Show Biz.

Thanks to my co-workers at IMV for giving me another perspective on life, and a a paycheck to supplement my dreams when I needed it. In a way, i'll miss Des Plaines, but in another, more accurate way, I won't.

I'd try to write something profound about life going on, about two years gone, about the relationships i've made and what they all added up to, but those would be crocodile words. I don't feel any sense of apprehension, or of remorse, anything, really. Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday and Monday is the beginning of the next phase of my life. I guess that just doesn't mean what it used to.

Technical Difficulties

Hey!

Apparently, we have a website. I kinda stopped working on it a while ago, but that doesn't matter now, because it vanished, along with the website of our hosting provider. Is this a case of slipping away in the middle of the digital night? Our best men are on the case. In the meantime, just know that the site is down, and our mail server is down, too, which means if you want to get in touch with us, your best bet is to use a non-theanimalclub.com email address.

We'll let you know when we pick up the pieces.

Regards,

Animal Club Technical Prowess

Nufjan!

Mellon Collie and the Infinate Sadness

That was the last album I bought the day of it's release...until today. Sufjan Stevens' The Avalanche came out today, and I actually plopped $14 down on it at the Skokie Village Best Buy. I figure it'll be good for Sufjan to have a strong showing at the big boxes.

Upon first listen, The Avalanche is just as dense and impressive as Illinoise, which means I'll be "discovering" songs from this album well into 2007. The three alternate versions of Chicago don't disapoint, but aren't quite as good as the original. In other words, he made the right call. And peep that Chevy Avalanche in the cover art! Anyway, I recommend it. Good listen.

Also purchased from Best Buy- Season One of House, MD, starting former British sketch standout, Hugh Laurie.

Crossroads

There comes a time in every head of hair's life when you are faced with a very important question:
Do we keep growing or let ourselves be cut?
And if only our hair was capable of making decisions, we wouldn't have to do it for them. Alas, this is not the case and I find myself at this particular crossroads. And I'm a little unsure. A common misconception about long hair is that we keep it growing because we're too lazy to cut it. And that's not necessarily true. I will admit that a good quarter of an inch survived and flourished due to laziness. But, most of what I have is out of pure curiosity. I just wanted to see what would happen. And I must say that I've liked the results. I also must say that lately I've been leaning towards the clippers.
Half of me loves the hair. Not for much more than I like the way it feels. I like pulling it back and having it climb out the back of a bandana. Makes me kinda feel free.
Half of me wants a change. It's summer and long hair brings about longer sweat. ?
So yeah, like I was saying, lately I have been leaning towards a trim. But, today on my home from work I was bobbing my head to Built To Spill, kind of caught up in the thrill of all that is Distopian Dream Girl, and a man's frantic motions caught the corner of my eye as the train was coming to a stop. He was saying something, but all I heard was Built To Spill. He looked really happy and extended his arm out in an exuberant thumbs up. He started saying something else and I figured I should take the ear phones off. "There's so few of us left." My first thoughts were that he didn't look Hungarian and he wasn't standing like he was pigeon-toed. Then, he reached behind his head and showed me his ponytail. It was a perfect length ponytail. Not too long. And he didn't look scary. Just a happy guy with a ponytail who was proud of me. Kind of like my long-lost-long-haired father or something. At the very least a long-haired second cousin. But, it kind of left me feeling warm. I don't know why. But, it did.
And now, I'm back to square one.

New Linkage

Comedy geeks ought to know The Apiary, NYC's "underground" "alt-comedy" "blog", and by extention, they should know The Bastion, the new Chicago "underground" "alt-comedy" "blog", in which the fourth post features whipsers spoken by...me, and they were nice enough to include AC on their young but growing "Sketch/Performance" list.

Makes me think we ought to do a show or something to back that up.

A Confession

I'm currently wearing a pair of hospital-issue grippy socks, as pictured to the right. They are pretty damn comfortable, but I'm only wearing them because I have run out of real socks.

I wonder why I haven't worn these before? Damn, they're comfortable.

...I Was As Light As The Ether.

I'm quite a creature of repetition. It's 2:31 AM, and I spent the last thirty minutes looking for my copy of "Raising Arizona". I can't fall asleep without a movie on, and moreover, when I get in the mood to watch a certain movie, no other movie will do. Some of the movies I rely heavily are:

• Cast Away
Duh. It's like an hour and a half of ocean noises. How could that not be peaceful? Oh yeah. The plane crash.

• Lord of the Rings
Any one will do. Pleasant, if inaccurate, British accents, awed hushes when they introduce a new set piece, you know the deal.

• Gangs of New York
Daniel Day-Lewis is dreamy. I wish to dream. Ergo, Gangs of New York.

• Arrested Development: Season Two
Trying to learn by osmosis.

• Adaptation
Don't know why, but this one works, too.

Raising Arizona has some of the best narration I've ever heard, and much of it is delivered in a gentle, hushed whisper, often describing the imagery of the main character's dreams. It's a great movie to fall asleep to. Unfortunately, my copy is a Netflix copy I've long since lost and paid for, then found again, only to lose again. Naturally, I've convinced myself I've seen it recently, and have furiously followed my trail of DVD's in the wrong cases through four rooms in my apartment, and all I'm left with is a copy of "American Beauty" without a case, a case for "Return to Me" without a movie, and yet another sleepless night.

Thankless Jobs

If you're Lassie, we can all guess what's on your mind. You want to chase and herd something. Anything. Sheep. Goats. Lettuce. Collies love the shepherding. It's naturally in their blood. And that's what Chicago is banking on. The city just hired a brigade of collies to perform what may be the most repetitive, seemingly pointless job.

See, Lake Michigan is known for more than it's limestone bottom. It's a haven for e coli which frequently hold large-scale family reunions throughout its water. You know the kind. Softball games, chit chat, and homemade pie. Oh, and diarehea enducing. Anyway, sea gull poop is one of the safest ways for e coli to travel. It's also economical and warm.

The collies are being sent on a never ending mission to chase off sea gulls from the sands of Lake Michigan beaches before they can drop a turd. Then, the collies sit, watch the sea gulls break away towards the horizon, and then watch them quickly turn around and head back to the same spot that they had planned on pooping in only seconds ago. That gives anyone wanting to swim about 2.5 seconds to make an e coli free sand castle or dip their head in the e coli-less ocean before the sea gulls come back and threaten defecation. This is the job of these brave, brave, sad, sad collies.

Durability

On the count of three let's all name the most heat/flame resistant material possible.
Ready.
One...
Two...
Three...

BIRD SHIT!!!!

Okay, let's be serious. How many of you said asbestos?

Chistmas, Birthday, Whatever.

Think of a reason to buy me a present, then buy me these. That's right. I want the official Grey's Anatomy scrub bottoms. I hear you snickering, and I could give two shits about your judgement. Grey's Anatomy is the best show on television, and scrubs are the most comfortable creation in textiles. I've made my peace with it, and so should you.

I wonder if it's okay for actual doctors to wear these scrubs to the hospital? Probably not, because just like here, everyone at hospitals pretends to not like Grey's Anatomy, but just like here, everybody watches it and LOVES IT.

Don't bother me getting the matching top; I sleep sexily bare-chested. Pecs this good need some room to breathe.

Death Sentence

This morning, a Firestone Car Service employee politely refused to fix my car. "It's no use," he said, "it's just going to break again in a few weeks. I'm sorry."

In a way, the timing couldn't be better. I'll soon be able to walk to my new job from my new apartment, and I've been meaning to start riding my bike more. Still, there's an air of loss and sadness knowing my trusty Saturn is officially on it's last legs. As such, I thought I'd pay tribute with a couple of lists; some true, if not interesting facts about Me and My Saturn.

• Price Paid - $4900 (in 1999)

• Miles (Total) - 132,000

• Miles (Mine) - 76,000

• Number of Animals Who Have Called it Home- 2 (a spider named "Chaffy" who lived in my driver's side rear view mirror, and a centipede named "Neck Crawler" who lived behind the center console)

• Number of Cross-Pennsylvania trips with ex-girlfriend- 12

• Number of midnight jaunts to Chode, Michigan - 1

• Bumper Stickers - 2. ("Kerry/Edwards in 2004" and the Human Rights Campaign logo).

And a list of my favorite car songs throughout the years:

• "Priest's Knees" by Destroyer
This is the Official Song of Driving In the summer of 2006, Gnarles Barkley be damned. Will go down in history as the last official driving song in this car's illustrious history.

• "Woman's Realm" by Belle & Sebastian
This was the first Official Song of Driving in the Saturn way back in 1999.

• "Bring The Pain" by Method Man
"When you drink Absolut straight it burn enough to give my chest hairs a perm". I don't have chest hairs, but that line is great. Went Official when I found the CD in my room this winter.

• "The Bells Are Ringing" by They Might Be Giants
That song made me cry a lot. Official through the Home Depot Summer of 2000.

• "Victoria" by The Kinks
Went Official in the Spring of 2003, right before I decided to leave Pittsburgh.

• "Who Could Win A Rabbit" by the Animal Collective
Official for three full seasons, I could be seen cruising Clark Street, screaming like an ass along to this beautiful camp song, and through 800 listens, I still have no idea what it's about.

• Eminem's rap battles from "8 Mile"
Official for a span of a week and a half, when I reacted to "8 Mile" the way people in the 70's reacted to "Saturday Night Fever" (namely, I though I'd start freestyling).

• "Two Rights Make One Wrong" by Mogwai
This song put visions of the future into my head, all of which would come true. When I felt desperate, I'd put it one and try to conjure more visions, but it didn't happen. That's why I think I've peaked. Official from 2001 through 2005.

L'il Kim's Free! She's free!

Just thought everyone should know.

Two Week's Notice

(note: this entry is about quitting my job. For information on the 2002 film starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, see Two Weeks Notice (film))

I've done it.

In two weeks I start my full time job at iO, leaving behind, hopefully for good, the ironic joys of working in corporate america. It was a little hard telling my boss I was leaving, if by hard you mean insatiably pleasurable. Nothing against my former co-workers and/or subordinates, but the database management lifestyle was just not for me. The job managed even to suck dry my love for design and layout, as I was asked to handle the data releases but was constrained (artistically) by small-minded corporate big wigs who sought shiny colors because they were more "noticeable", and preferred me NOT to use white space. C'est la American Dream.

Anyway, gone will be my commute, my healthy pay checks and the general store I've grown to depend on for blog fodder. As a tribute to my time in this office, I present a select handful of posts inspired by and written at my desk over the past year and a half. Enjoy?

The U.O.G.
Pinter Named This Office
Prepubescents, Start Your Engines
Shiver Me Vomit
Valentine's Day
Actual Conversation With A 65-Year-Old Co-Worker

Automatic For The People

The bathroom in my soon-to-be-former office building is 100% automatic, which means it's 45% functional. The toilets are pretty reliable, but the building management saw some promise in automatic soap dispensers. So far, the urinals are batting about .750, the faucets about .500 and the soap dispensers (yes, automatic soap dispensers) are batting .000.

To Be Sung To I Dreamed A Dream

I smelled a smell of time gone by,
When I was short and my bike had four tires.
I smelled a smell that made me high.
I smelled oddly scented plastic.
Then I was young and easily persuaded,
And Beastman was dyed and covered in green fake fur.
There was no explanation to be made.
No story told of why, or how, no exposition.

But Hasbro had a plan,
With thoughts of getting rid of backstock,
And they conned a million kids,
And they ponned Beastman off as Mossman.

He fought a summer in Skeletor's pride,
But should he have fought with He-Man, I wondered...
Without backstory I didn't know which side,
And he was boring by the time autumn came!

And still this smell comes back to me,
Not once but thrice in this past week,
But these are smells that shouldn't be,
After twenty years they should have expired!

Two solutions to this mystery:
They're marketing plastic-scented perfumes,
Or for discarding contrived toys with such ease...
Nostalgia must be haunting me...